Summer is more fun when you've got a good baseball team.
Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die. -Inigo Montoya
Hello, hello, hello. Welcome back everybody to another edition of this stupid blog. I’m currently typing this 30 seconds after I just woke up because I had to get this out to you; my loyal readers. I was gonna finish last night but out of nowhere this site crashed and I thought I lost everything. If that had happened? You would not be reading issue 3 my friends. However, fortunately for you guys, or unfortunately depending on how much you like my writing, that was not the case.
The title of this entry is pretty self-explanatory. I like the Baltimore Orioles. They are very good this year. *Except last night they gave up a grand slam in the top of the 9th that made me want to jump off my roof but that’s beside the point.* They’ve been dogshit for so many years now but seeing them score runs, win games, and actually have fans show out to the stadium has made this summer that much better. I remember watching them in the playoffs in middle school and I’m hoping to do the same this year. What’s more romantic than baseball?
If you’ve got 10 minutes (or need a 10 minute break) here’s an iconic Looney Tunes short (it’s not completely random trust me):
https://www.facebook.com/80DanceClassic/videos/bugs-bunny-baseball-bugs/4480098818741527/
The Movies I Watched
The Princess Bride (1987)
The first rewatch we’ve had in this blog and what a movie to start with. This is one of my favorite movies of all time and is a must-watch in my opinion. Watch it with your family, your kids, yourself, your friends, it doesn’t matter. It’s endlessly quotable, the characters are iconic, and it is timeless. Honestly, if you’re reading this you should stop, go watch this movie, and then come back to finish reading. And then share this blog please. I want more people to read it.
André the Giant is an amazing story. Could not recommend the documentary André the Giant on HBO Max more. And since I have this platform what better use than to chronicle the drinking stories of André? Here are the top 3:
He drank 119 beers in 6 hours. 119 beers. 6 hours. That’s enough for like 15 people. But André was 7’ 4” and weight 520 pounds. He basically was 15 people. The 119 beers led him to pass out in the hotel lobby, and since he was 520 pounds his friends couldn’t move him and let him sleep
This photo:
Hysterical.
He rang up a $40,000 bar tab during the filming of The Princess Bride. There’s not much else to say about that.
Rating of how much you need to watch this movie: 10/10 (Raiders of the Lost Ark is a 10/10, The Great Gatsby (2013) is a 1/10 fuck Baz Lurhmann.)
No, But Really: Just go watch this movie and then we can talk about it. I could talk about it for hours so I don’t want to waste your time here. If you don’t like it there’s something wrong with you. It’s a classic and even though it’s clearly from a time before VFX and CGI that makes it better because it will stand the test of time. Also if you like this go watch other Rob Reiner/Christopher Guest movies they’re some of the funniest ever (This is Spinal Tap, Best In Show, etc.)
Platoon (1986)
Woah mama. Watched this one with my Dad cause we’d both never seen it which I was surprised of. Of course, we’d both obviously seen the iconic Willem Dafoe scene but other than that: nothing. That was actually one of the things that stood out to me. I just assumed that the movie ended after that scene but much to my surprise there was at least another half hour left. I think the best way to describe this movie is by telling you what my Dad said to me after we watched it. It ended, we sat there in silence for a few moments, I said “Jesus Christ”, and he said “Well….that was uplifting! Goodnight!” What I’m trying to say is: if you watch this movie right before you go to sleep make sure you have a palate cleanser at the ready in the form of a light-hearted comedy. You’ll thank me later.
Vietnam movies are a different beast. There’s been war movies forever and I’ve seen a bunch of them, but Vietnam movies always feel like the darkest. This take, along with many of my takes at times, might not seem very outlandish, but I’m gonna talk about it anyway. Movies like Full Metal Jacket, Good Morning Vietnam, Da 5 Bloods, etc.* just make you feel horrible inside as you watch them and all in different ways which is impressive. The reason is pretty obvious, but it’s because it was the first war we basically lost as the United States. It was the first war that the general public had an inside view into because it was live on the new every night with footage directly from the battlefields. It was during the 1960s when there were great cultural changes happening, especially in the anti-war movement. All in all, it demystified war to the American people. We were no longer undefeated. It made people question what the point was.
Jesus, that got a little too dark now didn’t it? Anyway, these are great movies that should be watched.
Ranking of baseball players on the 1988 Cleveland Indians based on how much I value their side plots to the movie:
Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn
Pedro Cerrano
Willie Mays Hayes
Eddie Harris
Roger Dorn
….500 miles of concrete
Jake Taylor**
Rating of good of an actor I think Willem Dafoe is based on his eyes (seriously, take a look next time): 8/10 (Spiderman is a 10/10)
No, But Really: A great microcosm of the Vietnam War experience (obviously how the fuck would I know but from what I can tell it seems legit) filled with the good, the bad, and especially the ugly of war. Don’t go in expecting to see America resting on its laurels. There are some truly polarizing characters who have you questioning who the antagonist, protagonist, hero, and villain are. Also, the battle sequences are true spectacle.
*Yea, yea and Apocalypse Now and The Deer Hunter. I haven’t seen them yet. Sue me.
**I don’t give a shit if you end up with Rene Russo. Show me more of the baseball and team shenanigans goddammit.
Superman Returns (2006)
This movie really felt like a spiritual sequel to the Superman movies of the 70s and 80s with Christopher Reeves albeit with more modern special effects. I’ll be honest I only really watched this movie because The Ringer included in in their “50 Best Superhero Movies of All Time” list that I’m gonna link right here because it’s a cool list.*
https://superheroes.theringer.com/?_ga=2.171831008.1146928446.1611584337-1448966296.1605367589
Superman Returns is at #39 on that list. After watching it I’ve seen 45/50 of the movies on the list. This is a great stat that shows that I have no life.
Christopher Reeves is on the short list of best portrayals of a superhero of all time. When I think of Superman my mind immediately goes to him and probably will forever. Couple things: did you know that he refused a body suit and instead bulked up so he’d look more like Superman? That’s dope. And this was before the era of Superhero celebrity trainers who can help Chris Hemsworth look like a fucking mountain. Another thing: did you know Christopher Reeves and Robin Williams were like best friends? They were roommates at Juilliard. I think that’s so cool. Another one I just found out cause I heard it on a podcast the other day: Rob Lowe went to school with Chris Penn, Sean Penn, Robert Downey Jr., Charlie Sheen, and Emilio Estevez. Uh…what the fuck? Can you imagine going to high school with a bunch of A-List actors? That’s unreal. Back to Superman. One thing I will say about Superman Returns is that the casting was pretty damn good. Brendan Routh makes a great Superman/Clark Kent and Kevin Spacey makes a great Lex Luthor. But it shows how great the 1978 version is that I kept thinking of Christopher Reeves and Gene Hackman** as I was watching.
Ranking of places I’d want to go to be alone:
The movie theater
A nice field or park
In front of a sports game or movie or TV show of some kind
The Batcave
The Fortress of Solitude
That’s the whole list. The Batcave obviously beats the Fortress of Solitude. That shit lowkey sucks. It’s in the middle of the arctic, made of super pointy crystals, and is filled with the voice of a checked out Marlon Brando.*** That’s gonna be a no from me dawg.
Rating of how believable the actor playing Lex Luthor is as a bald: 9/10. (Gene Hackman is a 7/10, Jesse Eisenberg is a 2/10.) It helps that Hackman and Spacey are/were basically bald already.
No, But Really: This movie wants to be the original 1978 version so bad but decides to go over the top with it. It’s a solid Superman story that doesn’t quite match up with the OG but gives it a good try. Also, after the first half hour it felt like there was all gas, no brakes. It was all action, all the time, which made it feel like a comic book in all the right ways. Definitely could have been a half hour shorter though.
*I love The Ringer. If you like pop culture anything you should read it. They also have some great podcasts.
**I just found out that my Mom hates Gene Hackman. Oh yea, and Harvey Keitel. I’m sorry Mom but you’ve got to figure that out.
***You gotta read about Marlon Brando filming Superman (1978). My guy got paid 3.7 mil just for being in it, was on set for 12 days, had 19 minutes of screen time, AND got 11.75% of the film’s profits so he got around 19 million total. Reeves got paid $250,000. Bonkers.
The King’s Man (2021)
This one has been on my list since it came out in 2021. I was a fan of the previous Kingsman movies with Taron Egerton* and Colin Firth** and this one seemed right up my alley. Something I’ve made abundantly clear is that I love history, and this movie is chock full of it. It’s set in World War I, which is a setting I feel is rarely used in movies for some reason but is always awesome to see when it is used (1917, Wonder Woman, etc.). I also love revisionist history movies like Inglourious Basterds which use real-life people/events but change the history books along the way. So it took me almost 3 years to watch it and…it’s enjoyable.
Trench warfare is fucked up. I mean there’s a reason it’s been pretty much phased out of war. The stories out of World War I are horrifying and you can read up on them if you want. I’m not really sure where I’m going with this take but now it’s out there. Now I can talk about Rasputin. Do you know about this guy? No? Okay, well here you go. Rasputin was the priest of Tsar Nicholas II of Russia. He treated their son who had hemophilia and became something of a celebrity. But he was also a very shitty guy who did some horrible things that’ll let you guys look up on your own. But the most interesting thing about Rasputin, and what I’m sure you guys know about him is how he died. Basically, this guy was a supervillain who had supposed healing powers he used on Nicholas’ son. But, also, he was like Wolverine and wouldn’t die. Look at these stats:
Someone stabbed him: he survived
Someone poisoned him: he survived
Immediately after the poisoning he was shot: he survived
Immediately after being shot he sprang back up and tried to fight and was shot again: he was pretty much dead at this point
Then he was thrown in an ice cold river: he died
TL:DR: Rasputin was a horrible guy who has a really cool assassination story (if those are even possible)
I mean look at this scary motherfucker.
Ranking of songs about 20th century Russian priests of pre-communist Russia:
Rasputin by Boney M.***
Rating of scared I am of Ralph Fiennes**** based on a role: 5/10 (Harry Potter is a 10/10, In Bruges is a 9/10, The Menu is a 10/10, The Grand Budapest Hotel is a 2/10).
No, But Really: At the end of the day this movie is not what I was expecting and feels like a completely different movie for a half hour. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but it’s just a different vibe as a whole compared to the other Kingsman movies. Regardless, I enjoyed the movie for the action, the comedy, but mainly for the historical aspect of it.
*Who is amazing in everything he does I might add. Tetris was really enjoyable, Rocketman, Sing. I could go on.
**Who is also amazing. But not as amazing as Hugh Grant.
***What a song. Shit goes hard in the basement during parties.
****I found out how to pronounce this dude’s name like 2 years ago. If you’re name is Rayf Finez THEN SPELL YOU’RE NAME LIKE IT. Prick.
The Many Saints of Newark (2021)
Another that has been on my list since 2021 when it came out. I watched The Sopranos during lockdown so naturally I was pumped for this movie. I also love gangster movies so this was right up my alley. There were a lot of stars aligning with this movie for me. Then Warner Bros. decided to be fucking assholes and put all of their planned theatrical releases onto HBO Max. Now, I understand why they did it of course. Covid was still in full swing, theaters were in shambles, etc. but still, fuck that. The real reason I was angry was really because my Mom was, and still is, doing the thing where she’ll only get HBO for a month when her and my Dad are watching a show or a new season of a show.* Whatever, it took my almost 3 years to watch this movie. And…it was alright.
The Sopranos is one of the best shows of all time. I’m not being original with that take but figured I’d say it anyway. Now, I want to talk about it but I’m huge on not spoiling things so I won’t. I’ve avoided a lot of spoilers for shows that I haven’t watched yet, and believe me there are some freaking all timers I haven’t seen yet. Thank you to all of my friends who have suffered through me putting my fingers in my ears and making loud noises as they try to talk about Breaking Bad or Succession. You’re all doing God’s work. So what can I say about The Sopranos? IDK maybe I’ll talk about them again in a later post. There are definitely a lot of rankings I could do with that show.
Ranking of shows I’ve been saying I’m gonna watch “this summer”:
Breaking Bad
Succession
The Wire
Peaky Blinders
Better Call Saul
Veep
Entourage
Curb Your Enthusiasm
I’M ONLY ONE MAN. Don’t get on my case I’m working on it. Mom get Netflix back so I can watch Breaking Bad.
Rating of movies based on TV Shows: 7.3/10 (South Park: Bigger, Longer, Uncut is a 10/10, Chip and Dale: Rescue Rangers is a 8.4/10, The Fugitive is a 9.4/10, The Last Airbender is a 0/10)**
No, But Really: If you like The Sopranos you’ll probably like this. It’s very different, don’t get me wrong, but it’s still got that vibe for sure. At times it feels incomplete and like they’re setting up for sequels but I’m not sure that will ever happen. Also there’s a lot of easter eggs for Sopranos fans which is always fun but a slippery slope that sometimes ends up as overbearing fan service. Great soundtrack though.
*Right now I’m trying to give them suggestions for shows so they have to keep it longer. If anyone has any suggestions please hit my line I need to get through a lot more shit on my watchlist.
**There’s a lot of great adaptations actually. 21 Jump Street, The Naked Gun, Jackass (technically I guess), Mission: Impossible, Star Trek, The Simpsons Movie. I could go on.
Back In Theaters
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem (2023)
Man are Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cool. I don’t know what it is about them but seeing those 4 different colored masks beat up a bunch of bad guys is always awesome to watch. My favorite thing to do, and I’m sure I’m not alone, is arguing with my friends on which turtle each of us is. Now, I’ve always been Donatello to both myself and my friends. Is that because I’m a nerd who has a movie blog? Very possible. Could it be because I always have to figure out how to fix the wifi or figure out how to hook up the TV so we can play XBox or watch football? Yes. It’s also probably because I was always the nerdy kid growing up. I wasn’t a "leader” like Leo, super angry and badass like Raph (although if you ask my friends now they’ll probably disagree on the angry part of that), and I wasn’t a goofball like Mikey. But even the nerdiest turtle is cooler than you so if you think identifying as Donny is lame then you can go fuck yourself. Shredder-looking ass.
Following in the footsteps of the Spider-Verse movies and Puss in Boots: The Last Wish,* Mutant Mayhem uses a style that one of the people I saw this movie with said “Looks like they wanted it seem like they weren’t trying so hard that it’s clear they were trying really hard.” And honestly, that’s a pretty good assessment. But in a good way! Take chances on animation for the love of god. That goes for every studio by the way. I love Pixar movies and I love a good Disney movies, but I’m afraid they’re gonna fall behind the curve as more movies like the ones I mentioned above are released. Cause people like creativity, especially when there are good movies that come along with that creativity.
Mount Rushmore of TMNT (bring up your arguments in the comments)
Donatello
Leonardo
Raphael
Michaelangelo
That’s it. That’s the list.
Ranking of songs made specifically for movies:
Ninja Rap by Vanilla Ice (TMNT II: The Secret of the Ooze)**
The Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News (Back to the Future)
Every Kenny Loggins one
Danger Zone (Top Gun)
I’m Alright (Caddyshack)
Shallows by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper (A Star is Born)***
Eye of the Tiger by Survivor (Rocky III)
Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Jr. (Ghostbusters)
Lose Yourself by Eminem (8 Mile)
Stayin’ Alive by The Beegees**** (Saturday Night Fever)
Fight the Power by Public Enemy (Do The Right Thing)
Holiday Road by Lindsey Buckingham (Vacation)
Rating of rats with human characteristics: Splinter 8/10 (Remy from Ratatouille is a 10/10, Dr. Ratigan from The Great Mouse Detective is a 1/10*****)
No, but really: This, along with the OG TMNT from 1990 are far and away the best TMNT movies. This felt fresh, modern, and the teenage mutant ninja turtles actually felt like teenagers which was awesome. I would totally go see a sequel. Also the soundtrack is amazing.
*One of the best animated movies of the last 5 years. Seriously watch this one it’s amazing. Unreal animation and a truly evil villain.
**What a time to be alive. I mean I’m just guessing, this came out 10 years before I was born.
***This song bangs. If you’re afraid to let loose and sing along to this there’s probably something wrong with you. You also probably didn’t like Barbie. I still haven’t seen A Star is Born yet. Sorry.
****Great documentary about the Beegees called The Beegees: How Can You Mend A Broken Heart that I could not recommend more highly. They’re story is really interesting.
*****This movie is bonkers. Like truly terrifying for a child. One of the first movies to use computer generated animation though so that’s cool. Also a very solid movie overall. Would recommend.
The Docs I Watched
I’m back on my bullshit and grinding through 30 for 30s. I fucking love these things. I can watch them paying attention but even better is that I can put them on in the background as I’m doing something (cleaning my room, making lunch/dinner, building a lego Millennium Falcon, working out, etc.). They also combine some of favorite things: movies, sports, and history. I mean, what’s not to like.
I’ll keep this short though because I’m writing this out of continuity and based on how long that TMNT entry is I’m sure this is gonna be another long post. Sorry!
Year of the Scab (2017)
A documentary about my beloved football team previously known as the Washington Football Team previously known as the Washington Redskins. All about the replacement players who came in during the 1987 strike-shortened season.
Elway to Marino (2013)
This one is all about the 1983 NFL Draft that changed the NFL forever. Honestly the biggest takeaways I took from this were:
The draft used to be held in the morning?!
The first round only took 3 hours?!
Just how small potatoes the draft used to be*
The Two Bills (2018)
This one is all about the relationship between Bill Parcells and Bill Belichick from the 1970s all the way through the 2000s. Shows a side of Belichick that is not usually on display.
Doc & Darryl (2016)
This one was kind of a flyer by me cause I didn’t know as much about the subject matter as I did about the other ones. But, anyway, it’s all about Darryl Strawberry (sweet name) and Dwight ‘Doc’ Gooden. The ups and a the numerous downs of their careers.
42 to 1 (2018)
Another one I didn’t know too much about was aware of. All about James ‘Buster’ Douglas being a 42-1 underdog in a fight against Mike Tyson and winning. For context the biggest upset in the Kentucky Derby was a 25-1 underdog. 42-1 is insane.
*Very similar thing I always notice when rewatching Jerry Maguire. Just hilarious how much all that shit has changed.
-Fuck Dan Snyder
—Share this with your friends
—-Get ready for Unforgiven, among others, next week
——I swear I’ll start getting these out earlier in the week