Making A Website Is Hard
"Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, let’s get this show on the road, qumero numero uno"-Scott Rogowsky (HQ Trivia)
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I’ve been working on a website! Since 2018 I’ve tracked everything I’ve watched (movies, TV shows, documentaries, stand up comedies, etc.) and have spent the last couple years putting all of this in a spreadsheet. But, me being me, I wanted to take it a step further and make that sheet into a website. So I did just that. It took a long ass time but Version 1.0 of The Vault is now live. If you’re looking for a movie recommendation go check it out and if you do check it out and have any suggestions let me know because I want to make it as awesome as I can. You can organize/filter by genre, subgenre, title, etc. and I know it’s not perfect but it’s always a work in progress.
Here’s a link for anyone interested.
Writing this blog during class is tough. I’m trying to take notes while I write this but frankly, this takes precedent over my notes on Cost Benefit Analysis. I’d much rather write about a documentary on a live phone game show than write notes about the political economy that influences popular media. Every Wednesday, because I’m and idiot (sorry Mom) and don’t write this earlier in the week, all I do during my classes is write. What can I say? It’s just part of the job.
Football is back and I couldn’t be happier. Do you know what I did from 1:00pm-11:30pm on Sunday? I watched football. We had 5(!) TVs going at one time and, frankly, I don’t think I can go back. I was tricking myself into thinking I was in a sports bar and even as I watched my Washington Redskins/Football Team/Commanders struggle against the lowly Arizona Cardinals I could not have been more excited for this season.
I love my film classes but one of things we always have to do is watch all of these old fucking movies. The amount of times I’ve had to watch The Great Train Robbery (1903) or A Trip to the Moon (1902) is too many to count. Now, don’t get me wrong, these films are super important and definitely have their place in film history but in the year of our lord 2023 do you blame me for wanting to watch something with sound? But that’s where video speed comes in handy. I can’t watch a movie with sound on 2x speed but you know what I can do with a silent film? Watch it as fast as I can make it. Speeding stuff up comes in handy more than I can say and I couldn’t recommend it more. Youtube videos, podcasts, silent films, and much more. I’m telling you, if you’re in a time crunch but want/need to get through something: speed that bitch up.
Onto the blog.
P.S. Oh yeah, I’m also gonna be posting my weekly recommendations every week for movies/docs that I like and you may want to watch. I don’t know what streaming services they’re on and I can’t guarantee you’ll like all of them but, then again, you’ll never know if you like something until you try.
Movie count for the year: 123
Doc count for the year: 41
Movies
12 Angry Men (1957)
Remember when everyone wore suits everywhere? Thank god I wasn’t alive for that. Every time I watch an old movie I feel uncomfortable for the characters/actors even if they don’t look uncomfortable themselves. Shit, guys like Humphrey Bogart, Henry Fonda, and James Stewart were probably wearing suits when they came out of the womb. Can you picture a guy like Frank Sinatra wearing a t-shirt and jeans? No, no you can’t. Whenever I think about this my mind always goes to this moment from Jerry Seinfeld’s show Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee where he and an older comedian drive past an airport. I can’t find the exact moment but essentially Seinfeld and the other comedian drive past people dressed in sweats or pajamas entering an airport and talk shit about them. Seinfeld reminisces and asks the other comedian if he remembers when people actually cared about what they looked and dressed up to go on a plane. And I can’t be more serious about this: that sounds like the worst thing I could ever do. I can’t even fathom how uncomfortable I’d be on an airplane in a suit. Airplanes are already cramped, the legroom is nonexistent, and these things called crying babies exist, why the fuck would I want to make my life worse by wearing a three piece suit? I’ll stick with my sweats thank you very much.
Ranking of movies with numbers in the title:
Ocean’s 11 (12 & 13): One of my favorite movies of all time. The other 2 are hit or miss but I still like them a lot.
10 Things I Hate About You: One of the best high school/rom-com movies of all time. I miss you Heath Ledger.
Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels: Supremely underrated and has not been seen by enough people. It’s hilarious that Jason Statham has just been doing this same character for the last 25 years but goddamn if it doesn’t work then I don’t know what does.
21 Jump Street: One of the best comedies of the 2010s bar none.
8 Mile: Does anyone remember the Eminem Oscars performance a few years ago? That was awesome.
2001: A Space Odyssey:
Sixteen Candles: Can I read you off John Hughes’ 1983-1990? Mr. Mom, Vacation, Sixteen Candles, The Breakfast Club, Weird Science, Pretty in Pink, Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, Planes, Trains, and Automobiles, Uncle Buck, Home Alone. G.O.A.T.
48 Hrs.: Jack Cates might be the most likable racist, white cop of all time. If you don’t watch this movie just go watch Eddie Murphy’s Torchy’s scene. All-timer.
Four Weddings and a Funeral: Andie Mcdowell aside this movie is amazing. I wish I looked like 90s Hugh Grant.
50 First Dates: I like Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore.* Sue me.
Rating of how many women are in the movie: 0/10 (There’s not a single woman in the movie it’s insane. Just 12 white dudes)
No, But Really: This movie is great for anyone who enjoys older movies and are trying to cross off all of the “best” or “most important” movies of all time off their watchlists. There is some great filmmaking in here and the acting is superb. It feels like a play more than a movie (which makes sense because that’s exactly what is was/is). It’ll have you thinking about the legal process and how shitty some lawyers can be.
*The Wedding Singer is better though.
Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)
What a combination of movies this week. I went from watching a black and white, 1950s, legal drama one day to a bright, animated, Disney princess movie the next. But that’s what I do. I’d actually been meaning to watch this since it came out in 2021. Every year I look at the new movies coming out and mark down the ones I want to see in theaters. Now, I never get to all of them because life gets in the way (or I hear that they suck so I decide not to spend $15 on a fucking movie ticket) but I keep them on the list so I can watch them eventually. I’ve been slowing knocking off those 2021 stragglers this year just so I don’t have to look at that part of my watchlist anymore. I’ve already done The Kingsman and The Many Saints of Newark but I’ve still got 6 left so we’ll see if I can get those done before the year is out.* While we’re on the subject of my watchlist, if you saw how detailed it is then you’d think I was a crazy person. Here’s a sneak peek:
For context, this sheet is 14 pages long and I add to it everyday because people always give me movies that “Dude, you HAVE to watch.” Those are the worst. The “Trust me dude. This movie is insane we NEED to watch it” people. And before you come at me, I’m well past the point where I’m fully aware I am one of those people. Shit, I’m probably the worst type of person. I have a fucking movie blog for God’s sake.
I miss classic Disney animation.
Note: I’m not sure if I’ve talked about this before in the blog but I could write about it forever and if you’ve gotten this far let’s assume you’ll keep reading.
I wasn’t around when the Disney Renaissance happened** but I watched those movies on repeat as I grew up and watched all of the classic Disney animated films on repeat as well. I distinctly remember having a VHS collection of old Disney movies before we transitioned to DVDs and then watching those DVDs on our portable DVD player when we went on long car rides or planes.*** Nowadays there are still great Disney animated movies, but man, I miss the hand drawn style. Everything looks like Pixar (whose movies I love by the way) and that’s fine, but there was something about the classic style that I think elevates Disney movies. Why do you think all of these unique animated styles (Spider-Man: Spiderverse films, Puss in Boots: The Last Wish, TMNT: Mutant Mayhem) are so successful? BECAUSE THEY’RE DIFFERENT AND UNIQUE. Pixar has it’s style. Disney, go back to yours please. It’s been 14 years since Princess and the Frog (the last 2D animated Disney movie), there’s still time to give it another try.
Author’s Note: I wanted to talk about the Disney Vault here but ran out of time. It will definitely be discussed in future blogs because the whole concept is probably crazy to anyone my age and I’ve got a lot to say about it.
Disney Princess Sidekick Scouting Report as if the Princesses are QBs:
The 7 Dwarfs: The OG sidekicks. I had to lump them together because they’re a package deal but if I had to pick one I’d have to pick Grumpy (for obvious reasons).**** They’re the inaugural members of the Hall of Fame and it’s impossible to nitpick their spot at the top. These 7 guys are gritty as hell (they work in a mine) and will be able to protect your QB like no other.
Mushu: If Eddie Murphy voices your animated character there’s a very high chance it’s gonna be one of the best. He’s currently batting 1.000 with Donkey and Mushu. You can’t go wrong. He’s gonna brighten up the locker room but isn’t just a class clown and has the skills to be All-Pro.
Sebastian: I have to take Sebastian over Flounder. Flounder is lowkey kind of a bitch and a whiner but Sebastian is actually cool. He also sings “Kiss the Girl” which slaps. Finally, he’s elusive and can create space (evident by his ability to escape the chef trying to cook him) which are great skills to have in a teammate.
Pascal: Definitely lesser known than some of the others on this list but severely underrated. First off, he’s a chameleon which is awesome because chameleons are awesome. He’s also ride or die for Rapunzel and is someone you’d want in the trenches protecting your QB.
Tuk Tuk: Tuk Tuk is a newcomer but a strong contender for the all-time list. Raya’s giant-ass armadillo sidekick has a lot of promise and could rise in the ranks as time goes on. A rookie of the year candidate for sure.
Jaq and Gus: This duo is a package deal like the 7 Dwarfs. Gus is objectively way better (and less annoying) than Jaq but he’d be nothing without him. Every mouse duo needs a leader***** and Jaq fills that role well and they complement each other like no other sidekick on this list.
Lumière: Belle is lacking in sidekicks but Lumière fills in here as more of a coach than a teammate. Think Jiminy Cricket from Pinocchio. Sure, both him and Lumière take the backseat to the head guys but they’re pulling all the strings in the background and controlling the flow of the game.
Olaf: One of the funniest characters on this list and the one with a great song which always helps. Obviously his draft ranking falls a bit because of his being a snowman and you can’t trust him in the heat but he was still a lock to make the list because his intangibles are undeniable.
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Rating of how much I like a cartoon baby character from a movie/TV show: 6/10 (The Boss Baby is a 5/10, Stewie Griffin is a 10/10, Jack-Jack is a 10/10, Maggie Simpson is a 7/10, Baby Groot is a 10/10, Baby Yoda is a 10/10, Caillou is a -∞/10). Goddamn there’s a lot of great baby characters from cartoons. Except Caillou. Caillou fucking sucks.
No, But Really: I really enjoyed this movie and I’m sure I would’ve loved it as a kid. Definitely a movie you can put on with the family and have a good time. I’ve never been the biggest fan of Awkwafina but she’s not too bad in this one for me to be annoyed. Raya is also a badass so for anyone looking for a different take on the Disney princess here’s your movie.
*Spoiler alert: I won’t so don’t hold your breath.
**Started in 1989 with The Little Mermaid and ended in 1999 with Tarzan.
***Take me back.
****Yet another character from pop culture that I get compared to. If you’re keeping track of the blog that’s now Oscar the Grouch, Eeyore, and Grumpy. I’m sensing a trend. Should I be worried?
*****Hubie and Bertie from Looney Tunes, Pinky and the Brain from Pinky and the Brain, Bernard and Bianca from The Rescuers.
Movies I Watched for Class That I Don’t Want To Talk About And You Don’t Want To Read About (Trust Me)
Battleship Potemkin (1925)
Do you really want to read about a 100 year old Russian movie about the first Russian Revolution of 1905?
No?
I thought so.
Actually, one thing I’ll say is that this is undeniably a very influential film, particularly the final scene with the Odessa steps. Skip the italicized part if you don’t want to be bored.
*Here’s where I put my film nerd hat on. I sincerely apologize.*
You see, the Odessa step sequence utilizes the concept of dialectical montage which was revolutionary at the time but is commonplace today. The director of Battleship Potemkin, Sergey Eisenstein, is actually credited with inventing dialectical montage. Basically, it’s when the juxtaposition of 2 shots that each represent conflict are paired together. The effect of the shots being put together is to make an abstract concept tangible to the audience.
If you’ve seen The Untouchables or The Naked Gun: 33 1/3* then you’ll know what I’m talking about when I talk about the Odessa Steps..
I found this video while doing research. You’re welcome for the short film history lesson.
I just realized that I’ve tricked myself into talking about this movie and making you read about it. Sorry about that.
*Never in my life did I think I’d mention these three movies in the same sentence.
Docs
Glitch: The Rise and Fall of HQ Trivia (2023)
This doc is all about, you guessed it, the rise and fall of HQ trivia. The era of HQ was absolutely electric. Everyday at 9 pm everyone stopped what they were doing and tried their luck. I don’t know how many times I tried to win but I can confidently say that I never did. And I bet you didn’t either. Loser.
Internet crazes like HQ are crazy. Remember planking? Remember Flappy Bird?Remember flash mobs? Remember the Harlem Shake?* The Harlem Shake craze was in 2013!** You know what? I’m just gonna list off some more crazes. Remember Pokemon Go?*** Remember the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge? Remember Gangnam Style? Actually, my experience with Gangnam Style is hilarious, (or at least I think so and don’t tell me if it’s not). So it was 2012, I’m in 5th grade, and my family goes to Ireland in September. The trip was awesome and since my sister and I were the only kids who went we were treated like goddamn royalty. I still hold this trip over my cousins’ heads cause they’re still salty they didn’t come. Sucks to be them.
Ireland is awesome. We saw like 35 rainbows in one day during the trip. We saw my last living relative in Ireland. I had so much meat, cheese, bread, and shepherd’s pie that my stomach almost exploded. My sister and I weren’t really allowed to have soda but we found out that if we ordered lemonade they’d serve us 7UP. I shit you not, as soon as I learned this, I ordered lemonade with every meal for this sole reason. If there’s 3 things I wish I was able to do on the trip they’d be:
1. Get the full experience of the Guinness factory
2. Try a ton of different Irish beers
3. Golf with my Dad
In that order.
Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah. Gangnam Style. So, we’re in Ireland for 7-10 days or something and I come back to school. I walk into the trailer that was also my classroom and all I see are my friends doing the Gangnam style dance. And when I say everyone was doing it I mean that everyone was doing it. Everyday. Constantly. But since I had no technology or access to the outside world while I was Ireland I had absolutely no idea what they were doing. It was like I landed on an alien planet. I tried asking and they all looked at me as if I was crazy. I mean how could I not know about the South Korean artist Psy and his world famous song/dance? Did I live under a rock? Evidently I did. It took me a couple days but obviously I learned what it was, watched the music video a few hundred times****, and did the dance with them. Everyday. Constantly.
Ranking of Game Shows:
Jeopardy: Can’t argue with this one. Am I very good at it? Not really. Is it iconic? Yes. R.I.P. Alex Trebek. Fuck cancer.
The Price is Right: The G.O.A.T of daytime television when you stayed home sick from school. Watch this, then Family Feud, Maury, and then some soap operas to cap it all off. R.I.P Bob Barker.
Legends of the Hidden Temple: I remember watching this on this tiny TV in our kitchen before school when I was super little. It was fucking awesome. Nickelodeon on channel 32 for the win. Bonus: Here’s a great video on the show.
Wheel of Fortune: Can’t go wrong with my guy Pat and my girl Vanna. Plus their proud Marylanders so I’ve gotta put them on the list. Gonna miss Pat after this season.*****
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: I never watched this one that much either but another one that can’t be denied. Go watch Slumdog Millionaire. R.I.P Regis.
Deal or No Deal: I’m not gonna lie I have no idea how this show works and have never seen it. All I know is that the Deal or No Deal game at Chuck E. Cheese was awesome cause you could win a ton of tickets (but never did).
Double Dare: I never watched it (it’s before my time) but I’ve seen reruns of it and it looks like everything I would’ve wanted to do when I was a teenager.
Squid Game: Technically not a ‘real’ game show, but go watch this show if you haven’t already. And make sure you watch it in Korean with subtitles cause the dubbing is trash.
Family Feud: If you ever want to laugh your ass off just go watch best Family Feud moments. I shit you not me and friends watched a 40 min video of them yesterday when we made/ate dinner. Hysterical.
Quiz Show: Go watch the movie. 1994 was such an awesome year for movies.
No, But Really: This doc really exposes how brutal it can be to work in tech, especially fledgling companies run by young people. It’s also great for anyone who participated in the HQ craze which I’m sure is many of you reading this.
*I know for a fact that I downloaded multiple Harlem Shake apps on my parents’ iPad back when it was huge. What was I doing?
**God I’m old.
***Take me back to 2016. Please.
****4.8 BILLION views as I write this. I remember how crazy it was to see it hit 1 billion. What a simpler time. Take me back. Please.
*****41 years is a long fucking time to host a show. But making $14 million a year is pretty solid. Oh, and they only film for 48 days a year. That’s $312,500 an episode if you were wondering.
BS High (2023)
If any of you aren’t familiar with this story let me give you the quick, quick, quick rundown. Some random day in August 2021, ESPN showed a high school football game that had IMG Academy playing Bishop Sycamore. IMG Academy is the most famous and prestigious prep academy in the country and produces NFL stars essentially every year. Now, I didn’t watch the game, but very quickly the internet began blowing up because of the school IMG was playing. You know why? Because Bishop Sycamore is not a real school. They don’t have a campus, they don’t have a football team, and they don’t exist at all. The players on the team weren’t on the roster, they were grown adults, and the coach wasn’t even really a coach. This documentary details the whole story, from start to finish, and the mad man (I don’t say that lightly) who organized the whole thing.
Do you guys know Ponzi Schemes are called what they’re called? See, they were originally called “Rob Peter to pay Paul” schemes but sounds way too clunky so they named it after this guy Charles Ponzi. Ponzi was an Italian businessman in 1920 who realized that he could buy these things called IRCs (International Reply Coupons) in one country and redeem them in another country at a higher exchange rate. He started a company and promised his investors 50% interest on their investments in 90 days. Over the course of 8 months he raked in $15 million ($220 million in 2023). Eventually he was caught and by the time he died in 1949 he had just $75 to pay for his funeral. It’s better to burn out then to fade away.
If you want an actual smart person telling you about it here’s a shortish video on it all:
Ranking of Ponzi Schemes/Con Artists and what they got out of it:
Bernie Madoff: $20 Billion and 150 years in prison.
Charles Ponzi: See above.
Billy Ray Valentine and Louis Winthrope III:
Enough money to bankrupt the Dukes
One of my favorite movies of all time inTrading Places
Eddie Murphy as he was rocketing his way to becoming the biggest star in the world
Frank Abagnale:
Around $2.5 million,
A movie called Catch Me If You Can that you all should watch,
Got to be portrayed by Leonardo DiCaprio
Jordan Belfort:
Something like $200 million from his investors
A movie called The Wolf of Wall Street that you should all watch**
Countless college dudes wanting to be him. As I type this one of my best friends has a Stratton Oakmont flag hanging up in his room. I wouldn’t trust him with $5
Henry Gondorff and Johnny Hooker:
$500,000 in 1936 ($10,526,978.42 in 2022),
A movie called The Sting that is one of my favorites of all time
A collab between Paul Newman and Robert Redford
Paul McCartney and Michael Jackson in the Say Say Say video:
What looks like a purse full of cash
A #1 Billboard Hot 100 hit for 6 weeks
Paul McCartney’s last #1 Billboard Hot 100 song*
Harry “The Hat” Gittes:
Free drinks from Sam
Aome money off of Norm and Coach
A nickname purely based on the fact that he wears a fedora.***
The Wizard of Oz:
He didn’t get shit
All he did was give away a diploma, a heart clock, and ‘courage’
The Emerald City is pretty nice though
Oh yeah, and go watch The Wizard of Oz. Duh.
Albert Haynesworth:
A 7 year-$100 million deal from the Redskins,
Played 20 games,
One of the worst free agent deals of all time. Have I mentioned I hate Dan Snyder before?
No, But Really: Even if you’re not familiar with the story of Bishop Sycamore I think you’d enjoy this doc. I’m telling you, go watch this even if it’s just to go see how crazy the head coach and guy behind the whole thing was.
*I’ve seen this video exactly one time and I think about it probably once a week. My mind is so goddamn weird.
**Also played by Leo
***Let’s play a game and see if anyone, especially anyone born after 1990, gets this reference
-Fuck Dan Snyder
—Commies are 1-0
—-The Wheel™ is live
——Respect Flag Football centers
My memories of our Ireland trip are forever altered.