It's Called Cornhole Not Bags
"I get ideas coming at me all day. I can't control 'em. I can't even fight 'em if I want to. So I say 'em in here, and that way I never forget 'em.”-Night Shift (1982) --Me every Wednesday
*Author note: This post is wayyyy too long for email so open it in your browser to get the full experience*
Another Wednesday, another day of writing this blog during all of my classes.
Welcome back to the blog! If it’s your first time here keep on reading and think about subscribing.
Where to begin? I mean I gotta start with my Baltimore Orioles and Washington Redskins/Football Team/Commanders. The O’s have been red hot all summer and clinched their first spot on the playoffs since 2016. I could not be more excited. I remember watching those ALDS series against the Detroit Tigers back in Middle School and remember Edwin Encarnación tearing my heart out in the Wild Card Series in 2016. I fucking hate Ubaldo Jiménez. Why the fuck would we put our worst starter in as a reliever in the playoffs? HE HAD A 5.44 ERA THAT YEAR!
Sorry, sorry I’ll get back on track.
I love this team and I’m pumped to watch them in the playoffs for the first time in 7 years. Hey, John Angelos1 maybe think about not being a horrible owner, not leaving Camden Yards, and paying all of our amazing young players? But I digress.
Oh you liked that footnote? It only took me more than 2 months but I think I figured out how to use Substack. They won’t know what hit them.
My Washington Commanders are also off to a great start. Sam Howell looks like a competent QB and our defense is full of studs. Are we going to get murdered by the Bills this week? Most likely. But if we put up a fight then the season is fully on. If we’d lost to the Broncos last week then the season would be over, tank for Caleb Williams, and go 1-16. But we’re back baby. Let’s fucking go. HTTR.
Olivia Rodrigo rocks. I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve been listening to her new album Guts all week and I truly think that she went 12/12 (maybe 11/12) in terms of hits. Her freshman album was amazing but anyone thinking she’d have a sophomore slump could not have been more wrong. I actually think I like this album more? Will that get me crucified by her fans? I don’t really care I’m standing by my take.
I was late to my first class today because I was playing cornhole. You read that correctly. For my sports econ class we have a semester long cornhole league that we all have to put money in a pot for. The winner gets something like $300 so you can imagine how cutthroat it is. I’ve never really known why some people (mid Westerners) call cornhole “bags”. Same thing with soda being called “pop”. Just call it by the real name. Why do you guys have to make things so complicated?
Onto the blog.
Before we start though, I just want to remind anyone who’s may be looking for a movie rec to go check out The Vault. It’s got everything I’ve watched since 2018 on it and you can filter by genre, sub genre, etc. to find a good option for your next movie night.
Also,
Here are my recommendations for the week if you’re looking for something to watch.
^I’m just gonna update that same post every week by the way. Oh, and I also update the recommendation sheet on The Vault so you can check it out there as well.
Guys, this is a pretty long one so get ready.
Movie count for the year: 129
Doc count for the year: 42
Movies
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016)
If you read my blog entry on Scarface then you already know that I’m a fan of Lonely Island. When I think of middle school they are definitely one of the things I think of. I can’t tell you how many times me and my friends watched their music videos and listened to their music on repeat. We probably (definitely) didn’t understand everything they were talking about or the references they were making but all I know is that shit was fucking funny. I’d heard good things about Popstar and I can second those statements. This blog is mockumentary heavy this week (you’ll see what I’m talking about later) but both of the ones I watched this week pass the test. I just gotta say that The Lonely Island, which consists of Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, and Jorma Taccone, are (is?) amazing. I don’t know if any of you have seen their other movie, Hot Rod, but you should cause it’s one of the most underrated comedies of the 2000s in my opinion.
As I mentioned above, when I think of Lonely Island I think of middle school. Specifically, for some reason, I think about the time my friends and I chose not to tell the after school program that we were going to a basketball game because then we’d have to get a chaperone and we wouldn’t be able to do whatever we wanted. At the time I felt like I was a fucking criminal. I was terrified of getting in trouble (usually still am) and I was probably against the plan. If I were to compare myself to a member of Danny Ocean’s team from Ocean’s 11 I would be Livingston Dell A.K.A the hacker nerd who freaks out the entire movie. This guy:
I don’t want to be that guy.
Anyway, we went to the gym and sat in the bleachers but I don’t even think we really watched the game. Can you blame us? It was private middle school basketball. The score was probably 16-10. Long story short, the lady who ran ASP either saw us or found us, I can’t remember, and we got a detention. This consisted of the three of us sitting in the dean of students’ office for lunch one day alone. We were supposed to be completely quiet. I don’t know why I remember this part but there was this sound machine in his office and my friend was messing with it when we supposed to be totally silent. He was making it play white noise, whale noises, jungle noises, etc. I was freaking the fuck out and trying to get him to stop without making a noise because I was a little baby. The dean wasn’t even in the room. There was no one to get us in trouble! I’d like to think I’m not as much of a loser anymore but I definitely still am.
Ranking of the best mockumentaries2:
Best In Show: Not much more to say about this then to tell you all to stop what you’re doing, finish reading this blog, subscribe, share it with your friends, and then go watch this movie.
The Rutles: 1 of 2 Beatles adjacent movies on this ranking and the more “mockumentary” of the 2.
What We Do In the Shadows: Personally I think the show is better and is one of the best comedies on TV right now but it had to come from somewhere.
Borat: See my description of Best In Show.
This is Spinal Tap: Ours go up to 11.
Surf’s Up: A controversial pick? Maybe to some, but this movie is only 70 min long and makes up for it with a ton of laughs. Chicken Joe might be one of the funniest cartoon characters of the 2000s.3
7 Days in Hell/Tour De Pharmacy: I’m combining these two because you should go watch both. They’re both made by Andy Samberg and are fucking hilarious.
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping: See above or below
Theater Camp: See my entry on it later in the blog
A Hard Day’s Night: Yet another controversial pick and not one I thought of right away but if you’re into The Beatles4 this is their best movie.
Rating of Conner4Real’s rapping compared to other movie rappers: 6/10 (Every character from Straight Outta Compton is a 9/10, B Rabbit in 8 Mile is a 10/10, Donkey Kong from Super Mario Bros. is a 3/10).
No, But Really: If you’re into mockumentaries and want to laugh then you’ll probably like this movie. The songs are legitimately hilarious and made me feel like a stupid middle schooler again which was awesome. It’s Lonely Island to the core but also has a lot of heart along with the laughs. It’s also still very relevant with what’s going on with music today even though it’s from 2016.
The Fighter (2010)
I love a good sports underdog movie. There have been countless underdog stories since Rocky5 but what makes this one more of a unique spin on the sub-genre is that The Fighter is based on a true story. I’ve never really been a huge watcher of the fighting sports (boxing, MMA, WWE, etc.) but goddamn are the movies based around the sports are entertaining as hell. If you’ve been reading the blog for a while you know I binged all the worthwhile Rocky movies6 and all of the Creed movies this summer and they’re great, but The Fighter feels more like a film if that makes sense. I’d rewatch the Rocky and Creed movies if I’m looking for popcorn flick but I’d rewatch The Fighter if I’m looking for a higher tier rewatch.
I never know how to feel about Mark Wahlberg. Boogie Nights? Great. Ted and Ted 2? Hilarious. The Italian Job? You know your boy loves a great heist movie. The Departed? All timer. The Other Guys? Hilarious. Basically I’m all in on 1997-2015 Mark Wahlberg. Hell, I’m all in on Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch too (Except for all the fucked up shit he did back in the 90s before he was an actor). But since 2015 Wahlberg’s been all miss for me. Some shitty Transformers movies, Daddy’s Home (1 and 2), Spenser Confidential, etc. He’s kind of turned into a self acclaimed superhero but he doesn’t realize that Tom Cruise our only superhero actor.7 Maybe he’ll revert back to ‘normal’ Mark Wahlberg but after seeing his daily schedule I fear he might be too far gone:
I mean, this is just insanity. Does this schedule work? Sure it does, Wahlberg is jacked. But this is alienlike. Wait, is Mark Wahlberg an alien? If he is, then maybe he and Tom Cruise are from the same planet where everyone is 5’6’’ but says they’re 5’9’’, everyone refuses to age, and they’re all a little (a lot?) weird in the head. Who’s to say?
*Author’s note: I didn’t get to talk about Christian Bale but don’t worry, he’ll be subject of discussion in later posts*
Ranking of Boston guys I’d want on my side in a bar fight:
Robert McCall (The Equalizer): Undefeated record. Can’t argue with stats.
Micky Ward (The Fighter): A great boxer who paves roads in his spare time.
That’s gritty as hell and he deserves a spot on the list.
Frank Galvin (The Verdict): We’ve seen how he can throw a nasty right hook8 and he spends a lot of time in bars so you know he’s got experience.
Will Hunting (Good Will Hunting): I’m imagining some Sherlock Holmes type shit where he can see what his opponent is going to do before he does it. He also gets in multiple fights in the movie showing that he’s not afraid to get his hands dirty.
James Coughlin (The Town): A definite wild card but loyal till the end and wouldn’t put up with any shit.
Billy Costigan (The Departed): A total stud and I need Leo on my squad. He’s hot tempered and isn’t afraid to get into bar fights.
Sergeant Dignam (The Departed): A fiery temper and not afraid to play with the big guys despite his lack of size. His personality makes up for his lack in height.
Ted (Ted): One of the best shit talkers of all time. He might not be much help during the fight but he’d play mind games like no one else.
Tom Brady (Ted 2): He’s Tom Brady. People would never willingly fight Tom Brady in Boston. He’s Jesus.
Chuckie Sullivan (Good Will Hunting): He’s loyal to the end and works construction so you know he’s tough.
Ranking of Boston Guys I would never want on my side in a bar fight:
Mark Zuckerberg (The Social Network): To be clear: this is not black belt Mark Zuckerberg that we know today. This is loser Mark Zuckerberg who looks like he’s shatter like glass if you touched him.
Colin Sullivan (The Departed): Go watch The Departed and you’ll know why he’s on this list.9
Dicky Eckland (The Fighter): I’d want second half of the movie Dicky on my first list but Dicky from the first half of the movie I wouldn’t touch with a 10 foot pole.
No, But Really: This movie is fantastic. The performances from Christian Bale and Mark Wahlberg are top tier, they’re mother (Melissa Leo) is great, and the story is not just a cookie cutter sports underdog story. There’s more character than typical sports movies and the awards speak for themselves (Best Supporting Actor for Bale and Best Supporting Actress for Leo).10
Night Shift (1982)
They really don’t make them like this anymore. I had no idea what this movie was about going into it other than the fact that it had Michael Keaton in it (who I love)11 and that he worked in a morgue. I would not have guessed that him and Henry Winkler would become pimps and run the morgue they work in as a brothel. I mean, that just sounds like a madlib. Some producers in the 80s, with cocaine covering their desk just threw darts at a board. First dart: location. Morgue. Second dart: actor(s). Henry Winkler and Michael Keaton. Third dart: conflict. They become pimps. Boom, there you go. Now go get Ron Howard to direct it and it’ll make $21 million in 1982.
The early 80s were wild.
Going into this movie I assumed (naturally) that his character would be The Fonz. You know, one of the coolest characters from television history who can get a jukebox to play just by punching it?
That was not the case. At this point Happy Days was still running but was a shell of its former self since an infamous episode from 1977. If you’ve ever heard of something jumping the shark and don’t know where it came from then I’m about to tell you exactly where it started. So Henry Winkler happened to be a great water skier and the writers of Happy Days needed an idea for an episode. When they found out that Winkler was a good water skier they decided to take advantage of it with the season 512 episode “Hollywood: Part 3”. I don’t know anything else about the episode other than the fact that they had Winkler (The Fonz) jump over a shark off a ramp on water skis. It didn’t kill the show (it ran for 6 more seasons) but that scene birthed the phrase “jumping the shark” which means that a show is desperate for a ratings boost so they try to pull off a twist or stunt that inevitably leads to a decline in the quality and ratings of the show. Anyway, I don’t know if anyone my age thinks of Henry Winkler as ‘cool’. I think of him as the loser head coach of the South Central Louisiana State Mud Dogs in Water Boy or the loser dad from Click, or the loser dad from Holes. It’s wild that Winkler went from the coolest guy in TV to the prototypical loser character. That’s called range folks. I’ve heard that he’s great in Barry too.
Ranking of the people mentioned in The Chanukah Song by Adam Sandler to make a starting basketball squad:
James Caan: Sonny from The Godfather. He’s scrappy in the paint but might have some foul trouble. He also can’t throw a real punch.13
Arthur Fonzerelli: See above. Not the tallest guy but he’s gotta be a silky smooth handler. Definitely point guard material.
Paul Newman: One of the coolest guys ever. I have no qualms putting him in my starting 5.
Harrison Ford: He barely sneaks on the team because he’s only 1/4 Jewish (not too shabby) but having Han Solo and Indiana Jones on your starting 5 is a no brainer.
Tom Cruise’s agent: If he can somehow siphon just a little bit of Tom Cruise’s craziness and drive then he’ll be a great addition to the starting 5.
My team is tiny but we’d dominate small ball. We’ve got a lot of heart and we’d stick strictly to the fundamentals.
First off the bench:
OJ Simpson: Not a Jew but he ran for 2,000 yards in a 14 game season. He deserves a spot on the team. I think I’d be able to trust him to shoot some daggers late in the game to put the nail in the coffin.
No, But Really: This movie is honestly fucking hilarious. Keaton is batting 1.000 and the premise is wild but works in the end. Truly a 1980s comedy to the core and one that does not get the shine that other classics do. Oh, and try to find a young Kevin Costner cameo when you watch.
Theater Camp (2023)
Ladies and gentlemen, comedies have changed. If you didn’t know that already then you were probably living under a rock. The best comedies from recent years look more like Booksmart than Old School. This evolution of comedies is obviously not universal, but if you look around there’s not many mid-budget comedies ruling the box office anymore. It’s been almost 10 years since a Judd Apatow comedy was at the top of the box office and there’s a new wave of comedic actors filling the shoes of guys (and girls) like Jason Segel, Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Kristen Wiig, Amy Rudolph, Will Ferrell, etc. Now, these comedies may not be for everyone. There are still broad comedic moments, but, overall, the general public may not enjoy Theater Camp or Booksmart like they enjoy Step Brothers or The 40-Year Old Virgin. But that’s totally fine because everyone likes different things. That’s what makes movies so great: there’s something out there for everyone. Fuck I love movies.
Mockumentaries must be really fucking hard to make. I mean, I know that movies in general are tough to make, but making a documentary about something that is fake is like an inception for the documentary genre. You have to make the audience believe that what they’re watching is actually a documentary but you also have to make it really funny. I don’t really know where I’m going with this and am going to keep typing till I come up with something. Let’s see, I already talked about Castle Rock Entertainment (you’ll see what I’m talking about in the next section) but I haven’t really talked about the GOAT of mockumentaries: Christopher Guest. Do I really want to talk about him though? Maybe I could talk about his wife Jamie Lee Curtis and how great she is?14 Fuck it, maybe I’ll just talk about how weird camps are. I don’t know, I can’t really think of something good. Let’s move onto the rankings.
Ranking of tropes in camp movies and the best use of it:
Trope: The rival camp that is always wealthier and ‘better’ than the main camp
Best Use: Meatballs15
Trope: The annual dance
Best Use: The Parent Trap the 1961 version of course
Trope: Counselors hating their jobs
Best Use: Wet Hot American Summer16
Trope: A dancing montage with a super hot Patrick Swayze
Best Use: Dirty Dancing
Trope: A crazy guy in a hockey mask killing everyone
Best Use: Friday the 13th
Trope: Everyone singing all the time
Best Use: Camp Rock
Trope: Everyone digging holes the entire movie
Best Use: Holes17
Trope: Both families having 12 kids
Best Use: Cheaper By the Dozen 2
Trope: One of the Wes Anderson movies I still haven’t seen18
Best Use: Moonrise Kingdom
Rating of how weird I think theater camp is as a concept: 8/10 (Space camp is a 9/10, Sleepaway is a 4/10, Day camp is a 2/10, Film camp is a 10/1019)
No, But Really: I personally thought this movie was hilarious. I’m a sucker for mockumentaries and while they can be hit or miss I think this one hits the spot. It’s funny, heart warming, and has some great characters. If you liked Booksmart, are a theater kid, or just like the theater in general, then there’s a solid chance you’ll like this movie.
City Slickers (1991)
They truly do not make them like this anymore. I mean, when was the last time you saw guys who looked like this:
As some of the biggest movie stars in Hollywood? City Slickers was the 5th(!) highest grossing movie of the year.20 Can I give some props to Daniel Stern for a second? Dude was in 2 of the highest grossing movies of the year. And one of them came out in 1990! I miss the days (like I was alive) when a comedy about 3 middle aged guys going on a cattle drive could gross more than $100 million dollars domestically. Shit, I miss the days (I was -10 years old when this movie came out) when studios were happy with $100 million box office for a comedy. Now it’s all about making 4 movies a year, spending $250 million on each, and hoping for $1.5 billion to $2 billion. Sigh. Old man (I had my first legal drink a year ago) yells at clouds.
I didn’t even talk about how this movie won an Oscar which is absolutely fucking bonkers. Jack Palance got his makeup Oscar 40 years after he got nominated for Shane. Oh yeah, and he did one-armed pushups on stage for some reason. He was 73. Oh, and Billy Crystal was hosting. I miss (my parents hadn’t even met yet) when the Oscars meant something to people.
I would like to tell you guys about Castle Rock Entertainment. Oh you know, just the company responsible for movies likeWhen Harry Met Sally21, Misery, The Shawshank Redemption, A Few Good Men, In the Line of Fire, Little Big League22, The Green Mile, Best in Show, and Michael Clayton. Oh yeah, and this little show called Seinfeld. Is Rob Reiner the smartest guy in Hollywood? He co-founded Castle Rock, directed some absolutely iconic movies23, and is now worth more than $200 million. I also learned recently that he was on All In the Family and his character’s name was Meathead? Who would’ve fucking thought this guy:
Would be worth a fifth of a billion? Also, mad respect to the name. Trust me, I’ve got experience in the meat-based nickname department. While I’m talking about Castle Rock you know I have to mention Seinfeld. I take back what I said earlier. Jerry Seinfeld and Larry David are the smartest guys in Hollywood. They made a show about nothing, the name of the show could not be more unoriginal, and it’s one of the funniest shows ever. Oh yeah, and they get $40-$60 million every year in residuals for Seinfeld. That’s a pretty solid deal if you ask me.
Ranking of movies I think of when I think of Jimmy Durante24:
I can’t decide if I want to give you guys context or not.
…
I’ll leave that up to you.
….
Ah, fuck it I’ll just do it.
…
I lied. I don’t want to ruin the movies.
Frosty the Snowman
Joker
City Slickers
Never in a million years did I think I’d mention those 3 movies in the same sentence but here we are. Honestly, not the worst movie night of all time. Start with Frosty25, get dark with it with Joker, and then get your mind right with City Slickers.
Rating of how crazy it was that Billy Crystal was an A+ movie star: 7/10 (Michael J. Fox is a 5/10, Danny Devito is a 6/10, Brad Pitt is a -100/10, Steve Buscemi is a 8/10)
No, But Really: Honestly, this was not exactly what I was expecting. It wasn’t just straight laughs for 2 hours. There was a lot of heart and deeper than I thought it would be which made it that much better. Also, Billy Crystal, Daniel Stern, and Bruno Kirby, for as much as I’ve made fun of them, are hilarious and this movie as a whole will make you laugh while also making you appreciate what you have in life and living the fullest everyday.
Movies I Watched for Class That I Don’t Really Want To Talk About
Double Indemnity (1944)
All I’ll say about this movie is that is a solid noir film from the 1940s. I tricked myself into talking about Battleship Potemkin last week but I will not fall for that again. Well, maybe I should tell you guys what classifies a noir film. Yeah, that’s not too bad.
*Puts on film studies cap*
Skip this part if you don’t want to be bored. Trust me.
You see, noir films are tough to broadly define but typically they are characterized by having low-key lighting, lots of shadows, and unbalanced compositions26. The characters are typically a male private eye or someone with a respectable job and a shady female character who lures the male character in. There’s typically a crime that occurs (there’s lots of murders) and there’s typically a betrayal (usually the female character betrays the male character) and they almost never have happy endings. Quick history lesson: what was going on in the world during the 1940s? For anyone who said that the Yankees were winning 4 of their 27 rings27 or that the Minneapolis Lakers beat the Washington Capitals in the first NBA Championship you’d technically be correct but you get a C+. Obviously, World War II was going on which, naturally, led to some less than happy feelings for the American public. Then, following WWII, America was filled with distrust. Things like the Red Scare, Communism, Nazism, etc. were translated onto the screen in the form of noirs. These things, along with influences from German Expressionism from the 1920s28 and Italian Neorealism from the 1940s29 led to an iconic film style that still exists today except now it’s known as neo-noir30.
Now, I’m sure I fucked up some of the info there because most of it was from my memory, but that’s the gist of it. If you want an actual real person talking about it here’s a short video:
Goddamn it, I did it again and tricked myself into talking about the movie. Sorry guys.
Docs
Superpowered: The DC Story (2023)
Just a couple weeks after watching a pair of documentaries about Marvel you know I had to watch the brand new one about DC. Here’s the thing about Marvel vs DC: even though they’re both more than 80 years old there’s just something about Marvel that is more relatable and that I think resonates with younger audiences. Is this because we’re in the age of superhero movies and Marvel has blown DC out of the water in that department? That is definitely a possible reason. But, overall, I think the actual heroes that Marvel has (X-Men, Avengers, Spider-Man, Fantastic Four) just seem more ‘real-world’ compared to DC’s heroes (Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Green Lantern). IDK, that’s. just my opinion and we know how little that matters. Something I thought this doc did better than Stan Lee was that it was 3 parts and gave ample time to cover the company’s entire history. Obviously it’s impossible to include every single character or creator or event that has happened since 1934, but having a series is a lot better than having a stand alone documentary. Anyway, let’s get on to pitting the Justice League against The Avengers.
But before I get to that here’s what I thought overall.
No, But Really: If you’re into superheroes and comic book history then you’ll love this doc series. It’s only 3 episodes so it’s pretty quick and it’s really cool to see how far these characters have come since the 30s and 40s. I will say it’s annoying that DC and Marvel hardly acknowledge the failures they’ve had in these docs I’ve watched, especially in the movie department, but that’s not enough for me to nitpick this that much.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.
The Justice League vs. The Avengers
Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m going to take the original members of each team (Justice League and The Avengers) and conduct a battle royale to see which group is superior. For my sanity I’m going to take the OG roster for each group as they were introduced in the comics and go from there.
A couple quick notes for these matchups:
These are 1v1. No help from the other heroes
We’re conducting these matchups in an area in which the heroes are best suited.31
IDK about you but I’m picturing certain actors as each of these characters and will be forcing you to picture them as such.
So in one corner we have:
Superman
Batman
Wonder Woman
Green Lantern
The Flash
Aquaman
And in the other corner we have:
Ironman
Thor
Ant-Man
The Wasp
The Hulk
Captain America32
Alright. Away we go.
Our first matchup of the night: Superman (Christopher Reeves) vs Captain America (Chris Evans).
I had to start with the two leaders of the groups, and even though Ironman was the OG leader of The Avengers and some could argue that Batman is the shadow leader of the Justice League, but I’m giving the first matchup to these two. Essentially we’ve got an invincible alien vs a World War II veteran so I’ll ask you. Who do you think has the edge here? A couple things to note:
Superman has one weakness but becomes a little bitch whenever there’s kryptonite around. If Cap was able to get his hands on any he’d be a surefire bet to win.
Cap is able to hold Mjolnir33 which can only be held by those who are ‘worthy’ i.e. essentially people who can be considered gods. I’m giving him the hammer for this fight.
Outcome: I think this is tighter than most would think. They’re also both All-American boys but can get nasty when they have to. If, and that’s a big if, Cap was able to get his hands on some kryptonite than I’d have to give him the edge but I think it’s hard not to give the win to Superman here.
Justice League: 1
Avengers: 0
Matchup #2: Batman (Michael Keaton) vs Ironman (Robert Downey Jr.).
The shadow leaders of the group. One orphan billionaire pitted against another orphan billionaire. I think that Tony Stark gets the edge on Bruce Wayne in the brains department but Bruce gets the edge in street smarts if that makes sense. Both have insane tech and unlimited money. Couple things to note:
Bruce Wayne is a little bitch when it comes to his parents. We get it, they died, but that doesn’t mean you have to become a recluse and dress up as a bat every night to fight crime.34 He also refuses to kill. This is an essential note.
Tony Stark is an alcoholic and has PTSD. Bruce definitely knows both of these thing and will use them to his advantage.
Outcome: This is will be an absolute slugfest. I mean, this one will take the longest by far. Both of these guys are geniuses, have unlimited cash, and unlimited tech. Do I think that Bruce would give up his ‘no kill’ policy in this battle? Honestly not sure, but since I make the rules I’ll say he won’t but will try to force Tony to surrender. Who am I kidding? Batman is too cool.35 He gets the win here.
Justice League: 2
Avengers: 0
Matchup 3: Wonder Woman (Lynda Carter36) vs Thor (Chris Hemsworth)
The God vs. God matchup. On one side you’ve got Wonder Woman who has super strength, a lasso of truth, and bracelets that deflect bullets. On the other side you’ve for Thor who has super strength, a magic hammer and the power to control thunder. A couple things to note:
Thor has some anger issues and is easily tricked by his brother Loki. He may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Wonder Woman seems pretty perfect and does not seem to have any problems in terms of her past and doesn’t seem to have any weaknesses.
The Outcome: This will be another slugfest to start but I’m going with Thor here. The fact that he can harness thunder and lightning is the trump card and pushes him over the top. He’s also my favorite superhero so obviously he’s getting the win cause I make the rules.
Justice League: 2
Avengers: 1
Matchup 4: Green Lantern (Ryan Reynolds) vs The Wasp (Evangeline Lilly)
A man with a magic ring against a woman who can fly and shrink. Right off the bat you’d probably assume that Green Lantern wins in a landslide. HOWEVER, The Wasp has some tricks up her sleeve that I think will make this matchup closer than you’d think. Couple things to note:
Green Lantern is very OP (over powered) and can conjure up anything he imagines with his magic ring. His only weakness? The color yellow.
The Wasp can shrink, talk to ants, grow large, and has blasters out of her hands. Oh yeah, and her suit is yellow.
Outcome: This one’s tough because naturally Green Lantern should probably get the nod here but The Wasp’s suit being yellow is a serious drawback to Green Lantern’s abilities. That can’t be the only thing that she has going for her though so I’m finding it difficult to give her the nod. I think The Wasp keeps it close but Green Lantern wins it here.
Justice League: 3
Avengers: 1
Matchup 5: The Flash (Grant Gustin37) vs The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo)
A super fast dude against a big, green, strong monster. Hulk may be less nimble and seem like a lumbering oaf compared to The Flash but where he lacks in agility he obviously makes up for it with strength. A couple things to note:
Barry Allen constantly needs energy in order to run at super speed. If The Hulk fights him long enough then he’ll run out of energy like a cheetah does
The Hulk is smarter than people give him credit for. He’s a genius gamma ray scientist for god sakes. He can also jump super far and suck in enough air to knock over entire forests.
Outcome: I’m just gonna say it off the bat: it’s gonna be tough for anyone to beat the Hulk. Sure, Superman would probably beat him but all The Flash has going for him is super speed. He may run circles around The Hulk for a bit but he’s not strong enough and doesn’t have the durability to match up with The Hulk. The Hulk wins in a landslide.
Justice League: 3
Avengers: 2
Matchup 6: Aquaman (Jason Momoa) vs Ant-Man (Paul Rudd)
A fish man against a guy who can talk to ants. A couple things to note:
Aquaman is useless (in my mind) outside the water. However, the world is 80% water so he’s got an advantage there. Also Ant-Man can only talk to ants but Aquaman can talk to all underwater animals.
Ant-Man can shrink to the size of an ant but also grow to the size of a giant. Ants can carry up to 20x their body weight which translates to Ant-Man being super strong when he’s tiny. Did I mention he can grow to the size of a giant? Yeah, he’s super strong when he does that too.
Outcome: Aquaman obviously has the advantage over Ant-Man purely because the world is 80% water. However, Ant-Man is a genius, there are 20 QUADRILLION ants in the world, and he’ll find a way to keep Aquaman on land38. Aquaman is useless when there’s no water. Ant-Man takes it here.
Justice League: 3
Avengers: 3
Well would you look at that. A tie. Shit. What a waste of time. But now we need a tiebreaker. Whose movies are better? I’ll take the best movie from each hero and pit them against each other. The winner will be in bold.
Superman (1978) vs. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)/Civil War (2016)
Two of my favorite superhero movies of all time. Tough for Superman.
The Dark Knight (2008) vs. Iron Man (2008)
Just a tough draw for Iron Man.
Wonder Woman (2017) vs. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
It’s one of may favorite superhero movies of all time.
Green Lantern (2011) vs. Ant-Man and The Wasp (2018)
By a fucking landslide. Bad luck for Green Lantern having such a horrible movie.
The Flash (2023) vs. The Hulk (2008)
By far the worst match up in the list but The Hulk edges out The Flash.
Aquaman (2018) vs. Ant-Man (2015)
Both solid but Ant-Man is right up my alley. Paul Rudd will win anyday.
That leaves us with:
Justice League: 2
Avengers: 4
As one final test lets compare the ensemble movies:
Justice League (2017)/Zach Snyder Cut (2021)
vs.
Avengers (2012)/Age of Ultron (2015)/Infinity War (2018)/Engame (2019)
Do I even have to say who wins?
-Fuck Dan Snyder
—The Bear next week among other things
—-Why am I writing so much?
——Parents Weekend loading…
The Orioles’ owner
I need to watch more Christopher Guest movies
I’m not ready to say of all time. I’m not that crazy.
Who’s not?
The best sports underdog movie
Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV
Wahlberg literally said that if he was on the 9/11 planes he would’ve stopped the hijackers. Read the fucking room buddy. That’s an asshole thing to say.
Yes, he hit a woman. Yes, this is horrible and should not be joked about. Yes, it was still a nasty right hook.
Matt Damon making both lists is impressive
Even though the Oscars are BS
It started in 1974? How was it season 5? I have no idea.
This scene from The Godfather is hilarious.
She will most likely be mentioned in next weeks blog when I talk about The Bear season 2.
Bill Murray is the GOAT
Underrated as hell
Some may argue that this is not a summer camp movie. I would agree. But I’m learning that I haven’t seen too many and this one was on a list I found doing research.
Good lord this list went downhill fast
Shoutout Filmsters!
Terminator 2: Judgement Day, 2. Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, 3. Home Alone, 4. Silence of the Lambs
I stand by it
Princess Bride, This Is Spinal Tap, Stand By Me, When Harry Met Sally, A Few Good Men. Is 1984-1992 Rob Reiner the best director of all time? No. But he’s up there for sure.
It’s the guy who narrates Frosty the Snowman
Want me to blow your mind: Frosty is only 25 min long. I swear when I was younger you could’ve told me it was 1.5 hours and I would’ve believed you.
Composition is basically how things, primarily characters, are framed in a shot. Balanced compositions are natural and more common but unbalanced compositions make viewers feel uneasy.
Fuck the Yankees
Think Nosferatu or The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari
Think Bicycle Thieves
Go watch Chinatown, Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, No Country For Old Men, Blade Runner, and Drive and maybe you’ll see what I’m talking about. Also, all of those movies I just listed are awesome.
This is purely for Aquaman’s sake. Learn how to fight where there’s no water loser.
Before any of you nerds yell at me (I’m looking at you Uncle Terry) I know that Cap wasn’t in the original roster but I needed 7 members to make things fair. Sue me.
Thor’s magical god hammer.
The Bat Signal is so goddamn cool though.
The coolest?
Never in a million years am I thinking of Gal Gadot
You thought I was gonna say Ezra Miller? Fuck ass no
Yes I’m aware I’m breaking one of my 3 rules. Shut up.