My Professor Just Told my Class To Fuck Off: I Love College
"How can you read this? There's no pictures!" -Gaston from Beauty in the Beast --(Anyone reading this blog)
Welcome back to the blog. If it’s your first time here keep on reading and think about subscribing. It’s free. Now you may notice that there are no movies on today’s blog. That’s for a couple of reasons. 1. I’m currently writing this intro in my Economics of Sports class and I didn’t have time to write about Drive this week so that will be on next week’s entry. 2. It’s rush week and I have no time to watch anything. I’ll get back into a groove after this week. Mostly because I’ve got 3 movies on Vudu that expire in 8 days (Scarface, Tenet, and 12 Angry Men) but also because my HBO Max subscription is gone in a month and my Apple TV is gone in a week. So much to watch and so little time.
That’s the issue. I’ll watch something new, cross it off my list, and then I’ll tell someone I haven’t seen _______ and then I have to add that movie to my list. It’s a never ending cycle. I’ve got more than 100 years of movies to get through! I’m trying my best but goddamn don’t act all flabbergasted when you learn I haven’t seen The Graduate or Braveheart. I’ll get to them eventually. Patience young padawan. And don’t even get me started on TV. There’s so many shows I know I have to watch but it’s hard when there’s current shows still coming out with new seasons that I have to watch too. But then I also have to save time to watch movies. And to watch documentaries. And on top of that I have to save time to actually have a sliver of a social life. What a dilemma. First world problems much?
It’s hilarious looking back at high school and middle school and remembering what my teachers were like and how they made college out to be. “That won’t fly at college”, “Teachers are way more strict in college”, or my favorite, “You can’t write an 8 page paper in one night in college.” Guess what Ms. Maury? None of those things are true. The first thing about college professors that threw me for a loop when I started was the fact that I call them professors or doctors instead of teachers. But then there’s also professors who want you to call them by their first name. Imagine doing that in middle school or high school? You’d probably get detention or something. As I type this my econ teacher has dropped 8 “fucks” 5 “shits” and 3 “goddamns.” We’ve been in class for 25 minutes. College is weird. School is weird. Life is weird.
Fun fact: I wrote one of these while I was very drunk at 2:00 am on Tuesday. Guess which one it was!
Movie count for the year: 118
Documentary count for the year: 37
Docs
Howard (2018)
Going into this I had absolutely no idea who Howard (I had to look up his last name as I type this) Ashman was and I’m sure most of you reading have no idea who he is either. If you do, congratulations he was a really smart guy and his life got unfortunately cut short. Just a quick overview on Howard: brought Little Shop of Horrors* to Broadway, composed the music to Aladdin, composed the music to The Little Mermaid, composed the music to Beauty and the Beast, and much more. That, right there, is the heart of the Disney animation renaissance. This guy was crazy good and I wish we got to see what he could have done with more Disney films from the 90s. Obviously movies like Mulan, Hercules, and goddamn, fuck me, The Lion King** already have some bangers but after watching this doc I can’t help but imagine what Howard would have been able to do with these movies.
The Disney Renaissance is crazy. Let me list the movies released during this “renaissance” which lasted from 1989-1999. In order: The Little Mermaid (1989), The Rescuers Down Under (1990), Beauty and the Beast (1991), Aladdin (1992), The Lion King (1994), Pocahontas (1995), The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996), Hercules (1997), Mulan (1998), and Tarzan (1999). I don’t know if you were counting but that’s 10 movies in 10 years. Out of those 10 I’d say 10/10 (maybe 9/10, I’ll let you guess which one) are worth the watch/rewatch. That’s a crazy hit rate. Everyone talks about Ted Williams being the last person to hit .400 but can we get some props for Disney’s hit rate during the 90s? However, I can’t talk about this ‘renaissance’ without talking about how it changed animated movies forever (for better or for worse) and the person behind that change is no other than Robin Williams. As you may know (you should know) Robin Williams played the Genie in Aladdin. For most (if not all) animated movies released before Aladdin, voice actors were the people called upon to voice characters in animated movies. Think Singin’ in the Rain. There were countless actors from the silent era that couldn’t (weren’t given the chance) to the make the transition to talkies. I’m not saying voice actors were these people exactly but they had their niche. In 1991 though, you’ve got Robin Williams rolling in to Walt Disney Studios and delivering one of the most iconic voice acting performances of all time.****Since then studios realized that they could hire famous actors to voice their animated characters, market these famous actors whose names “mean” something, and make more money on their movies. I don’t have the time (or the patience) to explain anymore about this but there’s a fantastic Youtube video that goes into way more depth than I can. It’s a really interesting watch that will make you rethink how you watch animated movies. I bet you could tell me who voiced Elsa in Frozen**** but could you tell me who voiced Friar Tuck in Robin Hood (1973)*****?
Ranking of Disney Songs (this might be the hardest ranking I’ve done yet):
This list reminds me of the camp group I was a counselor for a few years ago. I should say off the top that they were awesome. One of the things we did was obviously listen to music and since we weren’t really allowed to play explicit songs we decided, naturally, to listen to almost solely Disney/Pixar songs. And guess what? It was fucking awesome. I mean we were just listening to bangers all day long (and I mean all day long). It was Disney songs, “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor (another banger) and “Her Majesty” by The Beatles from Abbey Road. I can’t stand this song anymore. It’s 25 seconds long, doesn’t make sense being included in the album, and I swear my campers played it 25 times a day. I should mention that these were 14-15 year olds. Disney songs are a universal language.
Fuck me this is hard.
Literally any song from Coco (“Remember Me” and “Un Poco Loco” are the best)
You’ve Got A Friend In Me (Toy Story)
The Bare Necessities (The Jungle Book)
Let It Go (Frozen)
How Far I’d Go (Moana)
Hakuna Matata (The Lion King)
Can You Feel The Love Tonight (The Lion King)
I’ll Make A Man Out Of You (Mulan)
I Wan’na Be Like You (The Jungle Book)
The whistle song from Robin Hood/Oo-De-Lally from Robin Hood
I may have to bring this list back because there are so many honorable mentions that totally could have made the cut. Also I never mentioned my severe hate for the live-action Disney remakes. There will be discussions on this subject in future weeks. Do not worry.
No, But Really: I really liked this doc because I’m into the intersection of music and film. It’s more of a biographical documentary than anything but having known nothing about Howard Ashman before pushing play I can say that I care/know a lot more about him now and can really appreciate the work he did before he died so young.
*The movie adaptation is solid but I can’t stand the main woman character. Literally it’s just her voice and her singing. Everything about it just irks me and I know that’s the way she was designed but I could never get on board.
**The Disney Renaissance was pumping out hits like no business.
***I never saw the live action Aladdin but I know I heard mixed reviews on Will Smith’s Genie. Nothing will ever match Robin Williams. Also that movie was directed by Guy Ritchie which I think is hilarious.
****Idina Menzel
*****Andy Devine (I had to look it up too. I’m no better than you)
If These Walls Could Sing (2022)
I, like any of you who may have visited the famous Abbey Road Studios took the picture. If you’ve gone and you didn’t take the picture because it’s ‘touristy’ or ‘cheesy’ or ‘lame’ then tell that to my family’s awesome Christmas card from that year. Take that. This documentary was really cool and details the history of Abbey Road studios. Obviously The Beatles come to your (and mine) mind when you think about Abbey Road, but there is so much more history packed into those walls. Pink Floyd, symphony orchestras, afro funk artists, and so many more. But I want to focus on John Williams.
John Williams is the G.O.A.T.* The dude is 91 years old and still killing it. Just a quick aside: I always assumed John Williams was British. I don’t really know why. Probably because I consider orchestras as a more proper and posh form of music that no American could do? Anyway, so now, anytime I hear him talk I remember that he’s from New York City. I’ve got a weird brain. But, seriously, John Williams will never be matched in terms of his output, his icon status**, and the sheer amount of amazing movies he’s been involved in. He’s been working for 65 years! His first movie (Daddy-O) was in 1958 and he was credited as Johnny Williams. Jaws, every Star Wars movie, every Indiana Jones movie, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Superman, E.T., Empire of the Sun, Born on the Fourth of July, Home Alone, JFK, Jurassic Park, Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, Catch Me If You Can, Lincoln, the first 3 Harry Potter movies, the list goes on and on. I mean you could only watch those movies I listed above and you’d be happy. That’s insanity. And guess what? Those movies would not be considered those movies without John Williams. His scores (like many, if not all, scores do) elevate the films to elite status. HE HAS 3 CHARTING HITS!*** 1975: The Jaws main theme hit 32 on the Billboard Hot 100. 1977: The Star Wars main theme hit 10(!) on the Billboard Hot 100. 1978: The Close Encounters of the Third Kind main theme hit 13. Imagine that today. Imagine one person doing that 3 times in 4 years. GOAT.****
My Mount Rushmore of Film Composers and the movie I think of when I hear their name:
John Williams (See above)
Ennio Morricone (The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)
Hans Zimmer (Interstellar)
Danny Elfman (Batman)
Right there and has a chance to knock off Danny Elfman: Ludwig Göransson (this guy is killing it right now)
No, But Really: This doc is great for music lovers, history lovers, and movie lovers. It kind of checks off all of my boxes and it’s not super long. I’d definitely recommend.
*Greatest. Of. All. Time. For those who are unaware.
**Iconicness isn’t a word? What word am I blanking on?
***What a time to be alive.
****I forgot to mention his 53 Oscar noms and 5 Oscar wins.
Lance (2020)
I’ve been hearing about Lance Armstrong my whole life. I remember those yellow bracelets, LiveStrong, and then obviously the drug use and controversy. In the long line of 30 for 30s I’ve been ripping through in the past month Lance was the longest and was multiple parts. It was also probably the most personal and really didn’t leave a stone unturned. Here are my quick thoughts about Lance/bike riding/PED use:
1. Lance Armstrong is a dick but also seems really cool. Also the fact that he beat Stage IV cancer and came back to become the best bike rider of all time is unbelievable and is straight out of a movie.
2. I still don’t understand how the Tour De France works. I guess I assumed it was just nonstop riding. Maybe it is? I don’t know.
3. If everyone was doing PEDs in bike racing then I don’t really understand why Lance gets so much flak.
I’m really into mockumentaries too. Who would’ve thought. If you watch Lance or just happen to like mockumentaries in general I could not recommend 7 Days in Hell and Tour De Pharmacy. They’re basically a spoof on 30 for 30s and are hilarious. 7 Days in Hell is about a 7-day tennis match and Tour De Pharmacy is about PED use in bike riding that may be closer to the truth than you might think. And if you like those go watch Documentary Now! It’s a show that spoofs famous documentaries and is amazing in it’s own right. I’ll eventually get this spreadsheet I’ve been working on out to you guys that has everything I’ve watched since 2018. There’s a lot of stuff. Too much stuff.
Ranking of athletes who have used PEDs:
Lance Armstrong
Barry Bonds
A-Rod
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Mark McGwire
Jose Conseco
Ben Johnson
Anyone on the Russian Olympic team
No, But Really: If you like 30 for 30s you’ll probably like this. And if you’ve had Lance Armstrong in your life or know anything about him (which I’m sure most of you have/do) and want to learn more or relive his career this is for you.
1968: The Year That Changed America (2018)
Good lord a lot happened this year. I knew the basics going in but goddamn America was in shambles in 2023 1968. Sorry, I mistyped there. The fact that there were multiple assassinations, a war, a fucked up presidential race, riots, protests, and just so much change overall only 55 years ago is wild. Progress is a weird thing because it seems like so much bad has to happen for change to happen. Oof, sorry for getting all philosophical there. Now I can talk about the Kennedys.
What a wild family.
If you’re like me and love learning weird history facts for no reason, here are some quick facts about the Kennedy family. JFK’s dad made his money during the prohibition (people say it wasn’t because of bootlegging but it’s way cooler if that’s the case so that’s what I’m going with). Joseph Kennedy was also literally in the Irish Mafia. Motherfucker became the first head of the SEC (which polices and basically sets the rules for all businesses), all while defrauding people, having inside knowledge of the stock market crash in 1929 that started the Great Depression and making $1 million by shorting the market, and being a mobster. On top of all that, he used all his wealth and connections to get his sons into politics. JFK wasn’t even his top choice! Joe Jr. was the pick and ended up dying in WWII so Old Joe had to settle for JFK as president.* And JFK, holy shit. Dude was a player for sure. Have you ever seen the video of Marilyn Monroe singing Happy Birthday to him? They were definitely getting on on the side. And Robert Kennedy was getting in there too! Did the government have Marilyn Monroe killed because of this? I’m not saying they did but… I haven’t even touched the Kennedy Curse but it’s impossible to ignore. JFK, RFK, JFK Jr. in that plane crash, the Chappaquiddick incident with Ted Kennedy, I could go on. Why did we keep electing these guys?
Writer’s Note: After I watch the doc series on Apple TV called 1971: The Year That Music Changed Everything I will report back on which year really changed everything. You have my word.
Mount Rushmore of Seasons (These are in order BTW. Don’t hate my takes):
Fall (by a landslide)
Winter**
Summer
Spring
No, But Really: It’s 4 parts, you could watch it all in a day if you wanted, and it’s a great snapshot of one of the most important years in modern American history. It skewed a little too much on the political side and focused on the presidential race a bit too much in my opinion but at the same time it’s impossible to look at 1968 and not focus on that.
*Fun fact that I found out when researching this: Joseph Kennedy is one of 4 fathers to live through their son’s entire presidency. The other 3 are George Tyron Harding (Warren G. Harding), Nathaniel Fillmore (Millard Fillmore), and George H.W. Bush (George W. Bush). Considering Millard Fillmore was president in the 1850s I’m shocked his dad lived that long. But, also, 4-8 years (and in JFK’s case only 3 years) is not that long of a time so I’m also shocked the number isn’t higher.
**People hate the cold and automatically put it as last. Here is my argument: I run hot so naturally I like the cold better. No, this does not mean that I fucking love the cold and only want it to be cold. I’m not a psychopath. But my main point is the fact that when it’s hot you can only take off so many layers and guess what? You’ll still be hot. When it’s cold? Put on as many layers as you want. Sweats, sweatshirt, jacket, another jacket, who cares? Also lounging in sweats when it’s cold is an all time best feeling in the world. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.
No No: A Dockumentary (2014)
This is a doc about Dock Ellis, an MLB pitcher from the 1970s whose claim to fame is throwing a no-hitter while tripping on acid. Right off the bat I just want to say that I’ve never done acid but I bet it’s pretty hard to throw a no-hitter while tripping on it. Just my opinion. His stats from that game are hilarious though.
For those of you wondering or for those who are not aware, BB stands for Bases on Balls or, in other words, walks. My guy walked 8 (!) people. He couldn’t see the batter, thought the umpire was Richard Nixon, thought the batter was Jimi Hendrix using his guitar as a bat, and the catcher had to wear reflective tape on his fingers so Dock could see the signs. What a time to be alive.
Sports before 1980 seem fake to me. Not in the sense that only modern sports matter but because the athletes simply could not have been real people. I mean these guys were nuts. The amount of stories I’ve heard about the drugs, alcohol, and just general fucking around is absurd. This documentary opened my eyes to the shit baseball players were doing during the 70s but I’ll always think of this image when I think about sports being played before the invention of Big League Chew* and the McChicken:**
That, my friends, is Len Dawson, starting quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs from 1963-1975. Len Dawson is in the Hall of Fame, won a Super Bowl, and won a Super Bowl MVP. This photo was taken during halftime of Super Bowl I. As you can clearly see, Dawson, being the health god he is, decided to smoke a cigarette and drink a Fresca. First off, just an all time combo. But maybe try one of those new Gatorade things next time?*** Or maybe a water? And maybe a cigar instead of a cigarette? This is what I’m saying though. This guy is a Hall of Famer and did shit like this.
Ranking of things invented in 1980:
Cape Cod Chips: These are definitely in the Mount Rushmore of Potato Chips
Big League Chew: Who doesn’t like throwing just a heinous amount of Big League Chew just to feel like a pro player?
Game & Watch: All time character from Super Smash Bros.
McChicken: Not my first choice at McDonalds but you can’t go wrong with it.
Sriracha Sauce: Thought this would’ve been invented much earlier. Not my sauce of choice but you can’t deny the power of that bottle. Those bitches are everywhere.
Apple Silentype: Apple’s first printer. IDK they’re a trillion dollar company I had to include them somewhere on the list
Washlet: One of those fancy Japanese toilets with all the buttons on it
If you can’t tell, the list of inventions/introduced products from 1980 falls off a cliff fast. They have you rolling with those first 5 and then you’ve got Pocari Sweat which is essentially a Japanese Gatorade alternative. What a horrible name. I mean, it looks like it’s made from sweat.
No, But Really: This doc was not what I thought it would be. If you’re going in thinking it’s gonna be all about the no-hitter (like me) you’d be wrong because they talk about it for quite literally 3 minutes. BUT, I liked the doc a lot because there’s so much more to Dock Ellis than the no-hitter. Also, learning more about life for MLB players from that era was awesome. The stories they have are all timers.
*Introduced in May of 1980
**Introduced in 1980, was replaced by the Mcnuggets (1983), and brought back in 1988
***Invented in 1965 by scientists in a lab at the University of Florida. God, what a time to be alive. Also here’s a photo I thought was cool. What the fuck was going on in 1967? 46oz cans?! Can you imagine looking in your pantry for a can of soup and pulling out a fucking can of Gatorade instead? And 1991? 128 oz?! That’s a gallon of Gatorade. Jesus Christ. Those OG glass bottles are sweet though.
-Fuck Dan Snyder
—No sure what we’ll have next week but maybe less documentaries?
—-Rush week is exhausting.
——Yes. I know I’m so cool for being in a frat. Bow down.
——-Yes. I know it’s only Wednesday. Thanks for pointing that out.
I have always thought Howard the Duck was the worst movie I ever saw. Second worst was Xanadu, but, then again, I haven't seen as many movies as you.
With your mom on the acid!!