Welcome back to the blog! If it’s your first time here first off please keep reading, but then think about subscribing and sharing with your friends.
Where to begin? I’d like to apologize to all of my loyal readers for publishing this blog a couple days late. I’ve been swamped this week and since I love procrastinating I didn’t write this earlier in the week. See, my normal itinerary on Tuesdays is to write the blog from like 10:00 pm - 2:00 am and then write all day Wednesdays in my classes till 1:30 or 2:00 before I publish it. Well that didn’t work out this week since I had a test I had to study for on Tuesday night and a paper due Thursday that I had to write on Wednesday night. Could I have written the blog on Monday night? Obviously the answer to that question is yes but when have I ever been the type of person to do something early and not the night before?
Ohio is a pretty solid state. I’ve only been once (this past weekend) but from my admittedly little experience I had a great fucking time. Is that only because I was at Ohio State over the weekend? I can neither confirm nor deny this. Colleges are very different. Wake Forest (my school) is 5,000 kids, has no frat row, has no ‘fraternity’ houses, and is pretty much an isolated campus. Ohio State is 46,000 kids, has frat houses galore, and is a huge spread out campus. And guess what? I’m sure I’d have a great time at both if I went there. Get ready for a groundbreaking take. It’s all about the people around you. Who cares what your school looks like, what your major is, or if you’re in a fraternity or sorority? All that matters in college (and in life really) is surrounding yourself with good people that lift you up rather than pull you down. Fuck everything else.
I hate running. Let me rephrase that because hate is a strong word. I highly dislike running. We have a 5k in my neighborhood every year that I used to run but has quickly transitioned into a hungover walk over the years. Other than that I don’t do much (any) running during the year. I will literally do anything before running. Get me on that stationary bike. Get me in that pool. Anything other than on a track. Running is also why my whole body hurts as I type this. Yesterday we had our big, school wide fundraising event called Hit the Bricks. It’s a fundraising event for the Brian Piccolo Foundation that raises money for cancer.
*Brian Piccolo went to Wake Forest, played football, was ACC Player of the year, eventually ended up on the Chicago Bears, was unfortunately diagnosed with cancer, and sadly died when he was 26 because of it. There’s also a movie about him called Brian’s Song with James Caan and Billy Dee Williams that my mom swears is one of the saddest movies of all time.*
The event lasts from 11-7 and is all about running (or walking) around the quad. You join a team, raise money, and then try to run (or walk) as many laps as possible. Our fraternity takes it pretty seriously, especially this year, since someone in my grade was on the exec board (shoutout Chaiken), which means you better be sprinting. We set up 4 stations around the quad with one at our tent as our home base. So my day consisted of sprinting around the quad from 12:30-7:00 (I had class so I showed up late. Don’t shame me). But that’s the thing about this event. It doesn’t matter how tired you are, how sore you are, or even how fast you are. All that matters is that you’re giving it your all the whole time because it’s for a great cause. And we raised over $300,000 as a school! I don’t know how many miles I ran or how many laps I did but I can confidently say that it was more than my body is used to. So now I can barely move my legs and my entire body is in pain. Good thing we’re hiking in the mountains tomorrow!
Onto the blog.
If you’re new here here’s a quick cheat sheet.
I talk about the movies I watched during the week.
I barely talk about the movie if I’m honest and just talk about whatever I’m thinking about.
I do a ranking for every movie that may or may not have to anything to do with the movie.
I end every section with my honest opinion on the movie and whether or not I’d recommend it.
When I put one of these: * that stands as a footnote. So if you see one of those scroll down to the corresponding footnote for the section.
My opinions don’t mean shit so don’t take anything I say as gospel.
Have fun!
My recommendations for the week (updated every Wednesday!)
And here’s a link to my website The Vault if you’re looking for a movie to watch this weekend (or any day).
Movie Count for the Year: 138
Doc Count for the Year: 43
Movies
Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
As alluded to in my ranking of summer camp movie tropes, this was one of three Wes Anderson movies that I hadn’t seen yet.* Well that number is down to 2 now baby. I don’t know what it is but there’s just something about Wes Anderson that I love. Not everyone is on board with this (looking at you Audrey) but I’m all in. The fact that he is given free reign to just do whatever the fuck he wants is awesome. You see a Wes Anderson movie and you know right away that it is, in fact, a Wes Anderson movie. Whether it be the actors in them (we’ll get to that later), the set design, or the color palette, everything is so meticulous to the last detail. Now, this is the second Wes Anderson movie that I’ve talked about on the blog (I talked about Bottle Rocket in my first(!) one) so I don’t want to repeat anything I said about him in this entry,** so I gotta think of something else to talk about.***
Something I mentioned in that first blog (you can read it here) is how Edward Norton only got paid $4,200 to be in this movie. That’s one of things about about Wes Anderson that is insane. If you look at any of his movies the casts are stacked. Here are some actors/actresses that have been in multiple Wes Anderson movies. Enjoy.
Jason Shwartzman (6), Tilda Swinton (4), Edward Norton (4), Harvey Keitel (3), Frances McDormand (3), Luke Wilson (3), Owen Wilson (7), Willem Dafoe (4), Adrien Brody (4), and finally, the GOAT, Bill Murray (9).
9 movies! He’s been in every single one except for Bottle Rocket. If that doesn’t show you how much actors love working with great directors I don’t know what will. Think about Scorcese, Tarantino, or Christopher Nolan. All of these guys don’t need to convince the best actors of their generation to be in their movies. Their resumé speaks for themselves. Wes Anderson belongs in that conversation. What conversation? I don’t really know, but whatever it is I know he belongs in it.
*Author’s Note: I held back and didn’t talk about auteur theory this week. I can’t promise I won’t talk about it next week. Sorry in advance.*
Ranking of months:
October (Halloween, all 4 major sports, fall, and my birthday)
November (Thanksgiving, fall, football)
March (March Madness, spring break, beginning to get warm)
December (Christmas, snow, cold weather, NFL playoffs)
June (Summer)
May (great fucking weather, Memorial Day)
July (4th of July, summer)
September (Still warm out but turning to fall, start of football)
April (Not much going on so kind of a net neutral)
August (Dog days of summer)
January (Playoff football and New Year’s, other than that nothing)
February (Valentine’s Day. Need I say more?)
Rating of how Wes Anderson-y this movie is****: 7/10 (Grand Budapest Hotel is a 10/10, Bottle Rocket is a 2/10, Fantastic Mr. Fox is a 8/10, Transformers is a -1000/10, Pulp Fiction is a 1/10)
No, But Really: This movie will make you happy. It’ll make you miss summer, miss being a kid, miss young love, and will make you nostalgic for the past. It is heartwarming as hell and is a perfect summer camp style movie. If you like Wes Anderson this will obviously be right up your alley, but if you’re not the biggest Wes Anderson I think you might still enjoy this.
*Only have Aquatic Life of Steve Zissou and Asteroid City left.
**Not like any of you remember or have even read that first blog.
***And that children, is how you try to get people to read other entries in your blog (and probably fail).
****Yes, I know I used this same rating in the first blog. Am I running out of ideas? Potentially.
Rewatch Time
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
This movie rocks. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it but I’ve gotten to the point where I can quote certain scenes which is a sign that I have no life whatsoever. Why aren’t there that many awesome pirate movies? Pirates are objectively super cool. Same thing with dinosaurs. Why are there no other awesome dinosaur movies other than Jurassic Park?* That honestly may be the problem. Jurassic Park knocked it out of the park so now everything is compared it. It’s really the only good one in the entire series which also goes to show how important Steven Spielberg was to the franchise. I’ve talked about this before when I talked about Get Out. Curse of the Black Pearl is far and away the best pirate movie of all time, so much so that the other Pirates of the Caribbean movies can’t match it. Fucking shame. Doesn’t change the fact that Johnny Depp is a freaking weirdo yet is fantastic as Jack Sparrow**.
Did you know that this movie franchise is based on a goddamn ride at Disneyland? Yup, the franchise that has 5 movies and has grossed over $4.524 billion is based on a ride that originally opened in 1967 at Disneyland. Actually, the research for this section is kind of crazy.*** It was the last ride that Walt Disney himself envisioned and oversaw construction on before he died. Should I bring up the wild conspiracy theory that Walt Disney was cryogenically frozen after he died so he could be brought back to life at a later date? Sure, why not? Some people even claim that he’s being stored underneath the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland. How fitting for this section of the blog! I don’t remember the first time I heard this story but I can tell you that I knew about it by the time I watched the iCarly episode that spoofs it. For all of my 2000s kids reading this do any of you remember the iTake on Dingo episode? No? Just me? I don’t have room to give the whole plot but they end up finding the founder of the Dingo Channel’s frozen head in an obvious play on Walt Disney and the Disney Channel:
What a weird fucking show. I loved 2000s Nickelodeon. That was also the first episode to introduce Sam’s iconic butter sock. I’ve gotten really off base here so let’s bring it back to The Pirates of the Caribbean ride.
Here’s a few quick hits about the ride and the franchise it inspired:
They used REAL skeletons on the original ride because they didn’t want to fake it. Uh, what the fuck? The imagineers**** just went on down to UCLA and took skeletons from their medical department. The 60s were wild.
An imagineer supposedly donated his skull to the ride after he died. I say again: Uh, what the fuck?
Keith Richards (lead guitarist of the Rolling Stones) is in one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. What a life that guy lives.
Paul McCartney is also in one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. What the hell is going on?
The Pirates franchise is responsible for 2 of the most expensive films of the 21st century (and of all time)***** with On Stranger Tides (2011) costing $379 million and At World’s End (2007) costing $300 million. Oh, and those are just the estimated costs.
It would take 726 minutes to watch all of the Pirates movies. That’s an average of 2 hours and 25 minutes per movie. Jesus.
Johnny Depp made over $265 million for his appearances in the franchise. Now I can see why they cost so much to make.
There have been 7 other movies based on Disney Park rides (Haunted Mansion, Mission to Mars, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, The Country Bears, Tower of Terror, Dinosaur, Tomorrowland, Jungle Cruise) and I’m pretty sure they all suck. So, essentially, Disney is batting at a 1/7 (or 14%) hit rate for these types of movies. Not great Bob!
Ranking of Johnny Depp characters based on how little I’d want to be stuck in an escape room with them:
Edward Scissorhands (Edward Scissorhands)
I hate this character and this movie. He doesn’t talk, he has scissors for hands (I wonder how I figured that out), and he’s just a fucking weirdo. He would be no help in an escape room.
Willy Wonka (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
Another weirdo in a movie that shouldn’t have been made.****** I mean, would he be some help in an escape room? Honestly, yeah probably. The guy is clearly a genius and a problem solver, but that doesn’t change the fact that he terrorizes 4 kids and their parents in his factory for fun. I also know he’d break out in song at some point and I would probably have to strangle him.
The Mad Hatter (Alice in Wonderland)
Would you look at that? Another weird fucking character. And yet another character in a movie that didn’t have to be made. And they made a sequel! He’d definitely be a net-negative in the escape room. He’d be asking a bunch of fucking riddles and random poems that would drive me insane.
Whitey Bulger (Black Mass)
Dude was the head of the Irish mob in Boston. He was associated with 19 murders but definitely was involved in more than that. HOWEVER, I actually think he’d be awesome at escape rooms. He was the boss of the mob for more than 20 years so he knows how to be organized, he was an FBI informant for a long time so he was smart enough not to get caught, and he got away with a ton of crimes for a long time so he’s creative. Organization, smarts, and creativity. All the things I want in my partner in an escape room. Before writing this I thought for sure he’d be high on the list but now I think I’m switching sides just like Whitey did.
Jack Sparrow (Pirates of the Caribbean)
The best pirate you’ve ever seen. Need I say more? But seriously, Captain Jack would be a solid partner in an escape room. He’d have some crazy ideas and might steer us the wrong way at times with his compass that doesn’t work, but in the end I think he’d get us there. I think his reliance on rum is both a positive and a negative but as long as he doesn’t have too much I think he’d be of help. The one thing I’d have to worry about is him using his pistol with one bullet in it on me. I know I can be annoying but there’s no way I’m that bad right?
Much to my surprise and after much deliberation I’ve decided that the best Johnny Depp character to stuck in an escape room with is Whitey Bulger.
Rating of how weird Johnny Depp is in this movie: 6/10 (Literally every other movie I’ve seen with him is a 10/10).
No, But Really: I mean, if you haven’t seen this movie yet then what are you doing? You don’t need to see any of the other ones (although some of them are good) and it’s just a fun, entertaining watch all the way through. We put this on on a whim when we were just being couch potatoes over the weekend and people were watching it in the background. By the end of the movie everyone was invested and all in. It’s one of those types of movies.
*I got halfway through Jurassic Park over the weekend at Ohio State but we ran out of time to watch it. Oh no! I didn’t get to finish it for the 63rd time. I think I’ll survive.
**Shoutout The Lonely Island
***At least to me. But I’m a weirdo so take that with grain of salt.
****These are the guys responsible for every ride and idea associated with the Disney parks, cruises, and attractions. What an awesome job.
*****Unadjusted for inflation
******Don’t mess with a classic
The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part (2019)
I’m not gonna lie I didn’t really watch this one as much as it was just on in the background. But I’m a blogger of integrity and will report on every movie I watched in full (unless I don’t want to).
I love the Lego movies. I’ve seen The Lego Movie, The Lego Batman Movie, and now, The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part multiple times. I mean, shit, I saw them all in theaters. If you had told elementary school me that there would be a time where legos and movies were combined I think my brain would have exploded from excitement. When I first watched The Lego Movie I thought it was stop motion animation, that’s how crazy and unique it was to me. What I really want to do is talk about The Lego Batman Movie but as I said before I am a blogger of integrity so I will wait until I watch it to talk about it. Instead of talking about an actual movie I’m gonna talk about a different lego movie: my own.
For some reason I always kind of forget that my dad, my sister, and I recreated Star Wars: A New Hope and Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back in lego form. If I’m honest I don’t remember why we did it but what I can tell you is that the Snowmaggedon of 2010 helped us out. We got 4 feet of snow during February of that year and I swear we had off school for the entire month.
Couple things to note:
1. There was no Zoom so we basically had like 30 snow days with no school work of any kind.
2. I think our downstairs (or upstairs?) in our house was being redone during this time. I don’t know what that has to do with anything but I remember it being a big deal at the time.
Luckily I had a ton of lego sets and legos in general that would allow us to make this movie. We took the exact script from the original movie, planned out the plot, and just went for it. Tatooine was the tan colored carpet in our basement. The death star was a black and silver backdrop. The trench run was three 2x4s nailed together. We flew the ships with strings, moved the characters with string, and the three of us voiced every character. Looking back it was probably one of the best times of my life. I mean, we made a full length Lego Star Wars movie! Legitimately, we almost made it scene for scene compared to the original movie. Thank god for Snowmageddon. And guess what? We ran it back and made The Empire Strikes Back. And we upped our game. We got a green screen, used dry ice for Dagobah, and the production value overall was definitely higher. Unfortunately we didn’t get to do Return of the Jedi. Life got in the way. But I definitely think we should finish the trilogy. I mean, hey, now I’ve got an actual Lego Millennium Falcon we can use!*
Subscribing to the blog is obviously free, but if you want to see my family’s version of Star Wars maybe I’ll put a link somewhere for my paid subscribers. Just a idea.
Now for a very personal and not at all nerdy ranking. I’d like to formally ask everyone reading this to skip this section.
Ranking of my favorite lego sets and random memories I have about them:
Lego Death Star
I’ll never forget walking into the Lego Store like I owned the place and buying this sucker with my own money.
Lego Millennium Falcon
I just bought this one this summer after debating it for a while. I just couldn’t get my parents to buy it for me. If you already don’t think I’m a major loser you’ll start laughing if I told you how much I spent on it. So I won’t.
Lego V-Wing
I remember getting this right before my family went on a Disney Cruise with my cousins. It was the first lego set I remember ever getting so there’s a lot of nostalgia there.
Lego Robin’s Scuba Jet and Penguin’s Submarine
I don’t know why I remember this but I was at Toys R Us with my grandparents and they were buying me a lego set. I wanted the Lego X-Wing because, well, obviously, but they said it was too expensive so I got this instead.
Lego Jabba’s Sail Barge
I wanted this thing foreverrrrr. I asked for it every birthday and Christmas but never got it. Then they stopped making it and I thought I’d never get it. That is until a few years ago when my mom surprised me one Christmas with it.
Lego Sand Crawler
This thing was awesome. If I had the photo of me holding the box on Christmas morning I’d put it in because I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a bigger smile.
Lego Agents Volcano Base
An outlier on this list but one that sticks out in my memory. I think I bought this one in the Lego Store with my own money as well. Those were always special sets.
Lego Forestmen’s Hideout
This one is special because I think it was my dad’s. Or maybe my uncle’s that I should probably give to his kids? Who’s to say? There was a box of random lego pieces and we had the instructions so I spent a ton of time finding all the right pieces and putting it together. Yet another random memory.
If I’m honest I could make this 50 entries but I’ve got to cut it off sometime so I’m gonna do just that.
No, But Really: I still rank this movie 3rd behind The Lego Batman Movie and The Lego Movie, but it’s still a great watch. The voice acting is still top notch and the references, easter eggs, and creativity is next level. It’s telling that the directors (Phil Lord and Chris Miller) have been involved in some of the best, and more creative, animated movies of the 2010s**. Oh yeah, and they also made 21 Jump Street. Love these guys.
*I’m such a nerd but I will apologize for nothing
**The Lego Movies, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse and Across the Spider-Verse, The Mitchells vs. the Machines
Welcome to Film History Class
Where I put on my film major hat and give a TedTalk about different aspects of Film History.
All That Heavens Allows (1955)
So I kind of wanted to combine these next two movies cause they’re very similar. What can I say about All That Heaven Allows? I don’t think I’d ever seen a Rock Hudson movie before watching this one. I don’t know much about him other than the fact that he was one of the biggest actors in Hollywood and that he was a closeted homosexual. There’s a documentary on HBO Max that just came out about him called All That Heaven Allowed that I’ve been meaning to watch so that may be a later entry. I don’t know. This is just your typical romantic melodrama that has that sleek, Hollywood feel to it.
*Author’s Note: Skip this part if you don’t want to be bored to sleep. History Time!*
The 1950s into the 60s were a rough time in Hollywood. The studio system was ending and as the 50s turned to the 60s things were becoming stale.
Oh, what is the studio system?
Well, I’m glad you asked.
The studio system was the way Hollywood was ran from the 20s-30s until 1948. During this era of filmmaking, studios controlled every aspect of the movie-making process. They controlled production, post-production, distribution, and exhibition. This meant they made the movies, produced the movies, and owned the theaters that the movies were shown in. They also did this thing called “block booking” which is where studios would sell theaters a group of movies to show. On the surface this may not look so bad, but what they would do is essentially force theaters to buy 1 great movie along with 5 shitty movies. Theaters wouldn’t be able to show the 1 great movie without buying all 6. As a modern example lets say a theater was forced to buy Goodfellas along with every Baz Luhrmann film.* That’s not ideal! But that’s how things worked back then. One of the biggest factors of the studio system was the way everyone involved in the filmmaking process were controlled. Nowadays you’ll see Chris Evans or Anne Hathaway acting in a Universal movie, a Paramount movie, and a Disney movie with no issue. That was not the way things worked in the studio system. Actors, directors, writers, crew, and everyone in between were under contract to a single studio with no way out. This was called the star system and if you look into it it’s pretty fucked up. Oh yeah, and actors weren’t paid per-film, they were paid according to their contract. So actors could be in 20 films in a year** but got paid as if they were only in 3. If all of this sounds pretty fucked up then, congrats, you’d be correct. All of this changed in 1948 with the landmark supreme court case: United States v. Paramount. What came out this case was the Paramount Decree which found that the film studios took advantage of anti-trust laws. The decree got rid of the studio system. Block booking became a thing of the past, actors and other people involved in movie making were free agents, and studios lost their iron grip on Hollywood.
So Will, what does this have to do with All That Heaven Allows? Absolutely nothing. I just think it’s a really fascinating portion of Hollywood history that people might find interesting. As always, if you actually want to hear a smart person talk about it here’s a quick video on the studio system and star system:
No, But Really: Would I ever rewatch this movie? Honestly, probably not. I mean, it was alright. Like I said, it’s a typical 50’s melodrama with that classic Hollywood feel. I honestly don’t have much to say about it but I’m sure baby boomers would love it.
* If you’ve read my previous blogs you know how much I hate Baz Luhrmann. Imagine having to show Goodfellas along with The Great Gatsby, Moulin Rouge, Australia, and Romeo + Juliet. I’d want to poke my eyes out and go deaf.
**Studios were making 500 feature films were made in 1937. By the 1980s they were making around 100.
Far From Heaven (2002)
Oh man. It took ten blogs. 46 movies. 28 documentaries. This is the first movie I absolutely hated watching. I’m not even gonna wait for the “No, But Really” section. I was legitimately retching while I watched this movie. If anyone in my house was around while I was watching this they’d see me making dinner and just talking to my computer ridiculing what was going on onscreen. So predictable, so over dramatic, the acting was wooden or over the top with no in between, and while it may have felt “groundbreaking” in 2002 it just didn’t do it for me. I predicted the “twist” within 5 minutes of watching. I also don’t think I like Julianne Moore. I don’t really know what it is about her, because she reminds me a lot of Susan Sarandon (who I love), but I just can’t get on board. I gave this movie a chance, believe me, but I was never interested in watching. I would’ve turned it off if I didn’t have to watch it for class. Let me make this clear: I never (NEVER) turn off movies halfway through or walk out of theaters. I think I’ve only done it a handful of times but it is very rare.* People always ask me what my least favorite movie and I always struggle to answer** because I go out of my way to watch movies that I think I may actually like. If you’re looking to watch movies that you may not enjoy then I think you may have to go get your brain checked out. This movie sucked. End of story. But maybe you’ll like it.
Ranking of insurance spokespersons and how much I’d want them to meet their characters from other stuff***:
JK Simmons (Farmers Insurance): Just get me in a room with Farmers Insurance JK Simmons, J. Jonah Jameson JK Simmons, andWhiplash JK Simmons. I don’t even care what they do or what they talk about. You give me that and I can die happy.
Dennis Haysbert (All State): Give me All State Dennis Haysbert meeting Pedro Cerrano from Major League. Just imagine Haysbert trying to sell Cerrano car insurance while Cerrano prays to Jobu in front of his locker. Haysbert would be asking him if he was in good hands while Cerrano asks Haysbert if he can get hats for bats included in his insurance coverage. I love it.
Dean Winters (All State): Honestly, the only character I can think of for this dude is his character from John Wick. These two would get along big time, since they’re basically the same goddamn person. Just two guys looking to cause some mayhem with absolutely no regard for human life. 2 peas in a pod.
Geico Gecko (Geico): Could this be considered cheating because I’m using a gecko, a chameleon, and a giant, radioactive lizard monster? Potentially. However, I’m the commissioner of this league and I make the rules so I’m gonna allow it. Why’d I pick these 2? Well, I’ve already talked about Pascal in a previous blog and Godzilla speaks for himself (herself?). I want to hear these 3 on a podcast together. Yes I know that the Geico Gecko is the only one who can talk. Use your imagination.
Aflac Duck (Aflac): Yes, I know, another controversial selection. HOWEVER, hearing Daffy Duck and Donald Duck complain about being second fiddle to Bugs Bunny and Mickey Mouse while Aflac Duck tries to keep the peace by saying “Aflac” over and over again is a hilarious image in my head.****
No, But Really: See above.
*Shoutout Hurricane Heist. Movie fucking blows.
**Might be The Great Gatsby but I’ll get back to you guys on that.
***Dennis Haysbert was the only good thing about Far From Heaven.
***WTF is wrong with me?
-Fuck Dan Snyder
—O’s playoffs inbound
—-Running sucks
——Everything hurts
——-Live more, worry less
I can’t believe Baby Yoda from the Covid Hotel didn’t make the cut.