Hello, and welcome to the blog! If you’re a regular here: welcome back.
Just a quick breakdown of the blog for any new readers:
I ramble for a bit and give an update on my life and what I’m thinking about this week
I talk about the movies I watched recently (usually in the last week but I’m still catching up)
I do some rankings, ask some hypothetical questions (ex: what are the chances my dad cries while watching this movie?), and then I give my no frills, no jokes review
We ignore grammar errors here at the blog. Give me a break.
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Let’s just get it out of the way.
The Redskins Football Team Commanders lost on Sunday. By a lot. In fact, they had 55 hung on their heads and gave up a rushing game that hasn’t been seen since 1940. Washington gave up 7 rushing touchdowns on Sunday. That’s the most rushing touchdowns in a championship game ever, tying the 1940 Chicago Bears…who also did that against Washington. Thankfully we didn’t lose 73-0 on Sunday like we did in 1940, but I can’t imagine that losing by 32 didn’t feel much better.
Sitting in the Washington bar here in LA was a rollercoaster of emotions on Sunday. Vibes couldn’t have been higher before kickoff. Outside of being called a fake fan because some “regulars” hadn’t seen me in the bar during the last 3 seasons before this one (I moved to LA 5 months ago), things could not have been more positive. There were Washington fans ranging from my age to my grandparents’ age in this bar, the happiest they’ve been in their lives, or at least in the last 33 years. I got to the bar an hour and a half before the game just in case it filled up quickly.
When I got there it was already standing room only.
So yeah, vibes were high. And then the game started. While we didn’t know it in the moment, when Saquon ran for a 60-yard touchdown on the Eagles’ first play from scrimmage, it was a sign of worse things to come. There’s no way to complain about refs in this game, a couple of calls going our way, etc. Bottom line: our defense played like shit and was exposed for what it has been all season against a good team. In the immortal words of Dennis Green:
And by “they” I mean the Washington defense. A defense that somehow stuck together long enough to help us get to the NFC championship game. We all know who really got us there (Jayden Daniels and the offense) but it’s safe to say that if the front office didn’t think we needed to upgrade the defense before this game (and if they didn’t I’d be concerned), then they certainly do now. I give props to the defense for fighting till the end, but you can’t give up 450 yards of offense and 55 points and expect to win.
The defense was brutal, but turnovers were killer. We went from turning it over 0 times in the past two games to turning it over 3 times on Sunday (I’m not counting Jayden’s interception in garbage time). Our position players didn’t even give Jayden a chance to stop the bleeding because they kept fumbling. Mistakes like that can’t be made in the NFC Championship game, plain and simple.
So vibes in the bar went from an all-time high at kick-off, to pretty low going into halftime, a brief spike of positivity at the beginning of the half, and then quickly to rock bottom. I could see the entire bar going through the 5 stages of grief in real-time (myself included), which is what made the end of the game so interesting. The game itself had been put away for an entire quarter at this point. Most of the bar is just staying to see the clock hit 0:00. But the crazy thing is that the bar wasn’t very negative. If anything, everyone had a pretty positive and optimistic attitude. Sure, everyone, and I mean everyone, was devastated about the outcome of this particular game, but the optimism for the years to come was unlike anything I’ve seen from this fanbase before.
We went to the NFC championship game with a not-that-good roster and a rookie quarterback. We’ve got the 3rd most cap space in the NFL this season, a great front office, and a QB we can build around. If anything, this should be the worst team that Jayden Daniels ever plays with, which is a crazy thing to think about. So, sure, the game sucked. Sure, I’m still depressed about it and am running through it in my head even as I type this. Sure, I don’t even want to watch the Super Bowl this year because of who’s playing in it. Sure, you never know if you’ll be back here. But I’ve never been this optimistic after a season in my life. And now that I’ve watched meaningful football being played in January, I just want to see it in seasons to come.
There were more negatives to come out of this game than just a loss though. See, Josh Chaiken, a frequent shout-out here on the blog, is an Eagles fan. After last week’s blog came out, where I shouted out my fellow Washington fan Buch, Chaiken was offended that he didn’t get a shout-out since we were playing his team. I assured him that, win or lose, he would get a shout-out this week. So here you go Josh, here’s your shoutout. And you know how I know you’re reading this? Cause you texted me earlier tonight asking when the next blog was gonna be published. At first, I was touched because I thought you were asking because you look forward to reading these or something.
What a fool I am. It only took me a few seconds to put together what you were actually doing.
Of course, you only asked when the next blog is gonna be published because you knew 2 things:
There would be a sad intro where I talked about the Commanders losing
You would get a shout-out for being a fan of the winning team
A double whammy if I’ve ever seen one. So here you go Josh, I hope you’re happy. Thank you for not being as much of an asshole fan as you could be (other Eagles fans, you know who you are). I also could not be looking forward to what I have to this Friday any less. Buch, if you’re reading this, I’ll see you on the other side.
My puke is going to be neon green.
Alright, let’s get on with the blog.
Also, good news for everyone, that will be the last time I do an intro about the Commanders until next season so you won’t have to suffer through any more of that for a few months. You’re welcome.
As always, go check out The Vault if you need something to watch. It’s got everything I’ve watched since 2018 on there with my reviews. I’m just about done with 2024 so everything from last year will be up there very soon.
Alright, on to the blog.
Movies count for the year: 15
Doc count for the year: 0
Keeping Movie Theaters Alive
Go see these (if they’re still out).
Nosferatu (2024)
AKA: Dracula is one horny bastard.
I wrote a little while back about how I’m not a horror fan but I’m trying to see the all-timers and that I go see “events.”
Nosferatu happens to be one of those “events.”
Now, right off the bat, this movie, while scary at times, is not that scary. Like, not horror movie, jump scare, holy shit I can’t look scary. But it is creepy, and gothic, and dark, and, most especially, very horny. Much more hornier than expected, but I guess that’s just what Robert Eggers (the director) was going for.
This is going to be an assumption that may or may not be true, but if I were to guess, the majority of the general viewing public has not gone out of their way to see the original Nosferatu film that this movie is based on. Yes? No? Did I underestimate you all? Well, if you haven’t gotten around to it, I wouldn’t be surprised since it’s a 103-year-old silent German film. In other words, it’s a film student’s wet dream.
I had to watch it for my Film History class back in college, and this is definitely sacrilege, but I watched it on 1.5x to 2x speed just to get through it. I’ve seen it multiple times at this point so I think I’m okay and can go to film heaven, but I had to come clean. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, I watched it on 2x speed during class while we were discussing it. There were not many people who spoke up in that class and I happened to be one of the few who did and had to at least pretend to know what I was talking about. The nice thing about silent movies though is that you can watch them in class with no headphones cause you’re not missing anything.
This film class was not my first introduction to Nosferatu though. No, that would be Spongebob, believe it or not. I think it’s safe to say that Spongebob Squarepants introduced everyone my age to Nosferatu even if we had no idea who or what he was. Matter of fact, Eggers actually thanked Spongebob for introducing young people to Nosferatu on the press tour he just did for this film.
For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (everyone reading this who is older than 30) let me explain. In the Spongebob episode, “Graveyard Shift”, Squidward tells the story of the Hash Slinging Slasher (a ghost story he made up) to Spongebob to try and scare him while they work the night shift. There are a number of signs that the Hash Slinging Slasher is coming, and one of them is the lights start to flicker on and off. When all of the signs start happening, chaos ensues, blah, blah, blah, until the final scene of the episode when they find that they were scared for no reason and the Hash Slinging Slasher doesn't exist. Everything’s all fine until the lights continue to flicker for no explanation, which is where our pal Nosferatu comes in:
A lot of people my age have known who Nosferatu is since we were really little. Did we know that he was a blood-sucking vampire? No. Did we know he was a blatant rip-off of Dracula that they managed to make in the days before copyrights were as strict? Also no. Did we know that he was a horny freak? Obviously not.
But we did know that he existed, which is a really cool thing if you think about it. It’s easy for art to be forgotten, especially when it’s old, silent, and from Germany, so it’s really awesome that an American guy who created an animated kids show about underwater sea creatures decided to expose his audience to some German Expressionist film. I can bet you that Nosferatu's inclusion in Spongebob has certainly helped this new film’s popularity, especially with younger audiences like myself.
Keep sharing the stuff you love with new generations. That’s how they stay alive.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: I think Willem Dafoe is the only person who says it but thankfully he says it a few dozen times.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 0%
No, But Really: This movie is beautiful. In all honesty, this is the first Robert Eggers movie I’ve seen, but I know he’s an expert craftsman and all of his films look good. This is obviously not a new story so there are not many surprises, but for a movie based on a story that is hundreds of years old, it manages to make something new out of it which is really hard to do. The performances in this movie are pretty great, especially Willem Dafoe (who is great in everything) and Lily-Rose Depp (who is a new one for me). While there are some elements of horror, I would not classify this as a “horror” movie in the traditional sense. It’s more of a gothic romance mixed with horror if that makes sense. It’s gross at times, it’s dark at all times, and it looks great.
Wallace & Gromit: Vengeance Most Fowl (2024)
AKA: Penguins are scarier than AI.
Ok, so I didn’t watch this one in theaters. But it is a new movie and I would’ve seen it in theaters if I had the chance. The reason I’m including it in this section though, is because it was part of one of the strangest double features of my life. I saw Nosferatu in theaters, walked home, made dinner, and while I ate dinner at 10:00 pm (a normal occurrence for me at this point) I watched the new Wallace and Gromit movie. While I’m sure there weren’t many people doing Wallaceferatu (I’m open to any name suggestions) I had a great time. You start with the dark horror movie and you finish your night with the palette cleanser in the form of Wallace and Gromit. If that doesn't sound like a good time to you then I don’t know what you’re doing.
I have a strange relationship with Wallace and Gromit.
Don’t get me wrong, I adore these movies and I’ve waxed poetic about the animation company Aardman in previous blogs, but back in the day Wallace and Gromit movies scared the shit out of me. First, it was when I couldn’t finish Curse of the Were-Rabbit (an Oscar award-winning movie) when I was really little because it scared me too bad. This was back in the day when I was terrified of live-action movies so I only watched animated ones. Well, it’s safe to say that COTWR did not continue this trend since I didn’t end up watching it in full until 2018. I distinctly remember the transformation scene scaring the bejeezus out of me.
Then came the 3-Pack Wallace and Gromit DVD in our CD folder. Every time I look through ours when I’m back home I get crazy nostalgic. It was always a ceremony to pick which one to watch every night. Kids today have no idea.
Anyway, we had this DVD that had the first 3 Wallace and Gromit movies on it. One of these movies is called A Close Shave. Now, I don’t usually spoil things, but for the sake of my explanation, you’re gonna have to give me a pass here.
Alright, so there’s this dog in this movie (not Gromit) that is evil and torments Gromit the entire movie. I’m shaky on the plot cause I haven’t returned to this movie since it scarred me 16+ years ago. At this point, you know the dog is evil, and there’s also something to do with sheep (hence the title of the movie), but all you need to know is that at the end of the movie, the dog turns out to be a robot and I can confidently say that when he is revealed I was scared out of my mind:
It honestly might be the first movie twist I remember seeing in my life.
But that’s the thing about these movies, they scared me when I was a kid, but I never stopped thinking about them because of how charming they were. Even though Wallace and Gromit have only had 6 movies ranging from 20 min long to an hour plus, they’ve entered the zeitgeist (at least my zeitgeist) and I feel like they’re universally beloved. They’ve been nominated for 6 Oscars now, have won 3 (they’re not gonna win this year), and are gonna be enjoyed for years to come.
I know I talk a lot of shit about Rotton Tomatoes, but it’s hard to argue with these numbers (Shaun the Sheep is a spin-off by the way):
And just so everyone’s aware:
Ranking of Penguins in Pop Culture:
Feathers Mcgraw
Pure evil personified. All without saying a word. Couldn’t be more iconic than this.
The Penguins of Madagascar
Side characters so iconic that they got their own movie and TV show outside of the Madagascar movies. When you upstage the main characters you earn the #2 spot. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.
Bonus ranking of the Penguins of Madagascar
Private
Kowalski
Skipper
Rico
Big Z
I’ve never been as high on Surf’s Up as my fellow Gen Zers in terms of considering it an all-time classic, but what I can agree on is that Big Z is that dude.
Pesto
The only real penguin on this list, and for good reason. Look at the size of this guy! He’s the brown one by the way. He’s a baby. Those penguins around him are full-grown.
The ones from Mary Poppins
I haven’t seen this movie in almost 20 years but I can still remember these damn penguins. Dick Van Dyke can still move like that at 100.
Here’s a short bonus video if you want to cry today. I guarantee that you will be happy after watching it:
Mr. Popper’s
Does anyone remember the movie version with Jim Carrey? Yeah, me neither. I also couldn’t tell you a single thing that happens in the book (it’s been almost 20 years since I’ve read that too) but they’re still iconic and deserve a spot on the list.
The one from Billy Madison
Any penguin that makes out with Chris Farley deserves a spot on this list.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: They do! I couldn’t believe my ears.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 9%
No, But Really: I love these movies. This is one of the most universally beloved series of all time and for good reason. They’re expertly crafted, they’re creative, they’re funny, and they’re endlessly charming. Even as Wallace & Gromit enter their sequel era (which I hope is a one-off and not a start of something) they find a way to make a unique story that is worth making and doesn't feel like a money grab. This is perfect for any age and is great for the family to watch together. I’d recommend watching The Wrong Trousers beforehand though.
Den of Thieves 2: Pantera (2025)
AKA: Heists are so cool.
I need to use this platform to be truthful about my feelings towards movies. And to be honest, I didn’t get Den of Thieves when I first watched it. I watched it at home on Netflix during the dark days of Covid and I thought it was pretty bad. However, I also happen to be an avid reader and listener of The Ringer content, and let me tell you, those guys fucking love Den of Thieves. So I gave it some thought, I listened to some podcasts about it, I read some articles about it, and I’ve been converted. Still not a good movie, but it's a perfect “turn your brain off” movie. So when Den of Thieves 2 was announced last year…I was gonna be there on opening night. I was a week late, I happened to be in the middle of a road trip, but on my first night back in LA I walked to The Grove and watched this movie in all its glory.
And…
It was a fun time.
You know why it was a fun time? Cause this time I knew what I was getting myself into. I knew where to have my expectations. Not a great film, but in terms of heist movies and the pure execution of a heist? Pretty great. Is it on the shortlist for heist films in any respect, in any category? Absolutely not, but it’s not trying to be. It knows what it is and it plays into that trashiness, albeit less so in this one than in the original. What can I say? If you give me a movie where a group of charismatic people pulls off an elaborate heist in Europe that’s gonna put asses (mine) in seats (singular).
I’ll be there on opening night (as long as I’m not on a road trip).
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: This would have been difficult to slip in there. They do say Pantera a lot though.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 3%
No, But Really: This absolutely rocked. Sure, it was a bit long and certainly dragged at times. Sure, it’s not particularly “good”. But when a heist movie is as well put together and thought out as this one is, I have to appreciate it for that. It’s a ton of fun and if you like heist movies this is a pretty solid choice if you’ve already seen the classics. I’m not sure if I’m looking forward to the expanded universe of these films, but I’m always down for a heist movie.
-I still love Jayden Daniels
—I’m sad.
—Can’t complain about this season
—-At least the Caps are top of the league
——I don’t want either team to win the Super Bowl