Issue #51: 5' 11" is the Worst Height.
Scientifically.
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I ramble for a bit and give an update on my life and what I’m thinking about this week
I talk about the movies I watched recently (usually in the last week but I’m still catching up)
I do some rankings, ask some hypothetical questions (ex: what are the chances my dad cries while watching this movie?), and then I give my no frills, no jokes review
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I hope everyone’s Thursday is off to a good start. The weekend is right around the corner and you only have to suffer through 2 more days of school or work to get there.
I don’t have a ton to write an intro about today since it’s the second blog of the week (and because it’s already late and I don’t want to be up till 3:00 am again) so I’m just gonna get right into it:
5’ 11” is the worst height.
I had this conversation with a total stranger I met last week when I was doing background acting and we landed on this opinion immediately.
To any of you who are 5’ 11”, even if you agree with me, just hear me out. First off, I’m fully aware that I’m punching up here. I mean that in the most literal sense of the word. I’m 5’ 10” (5’ 9 3/4” if we’re really splitting hairs) so you’d think I’d want that extra inch so I could be 5’ 11”. You’d be wrong. Let me explain. We’ll start on the short side of the scale.
If you’re short then you can embrace that. You’re a Short King, a title that is held by the few but adored by the masses. If you’re under a certain height, I don’t what that height is, you start to reach very short status. Not quite sideshow or Ripley’s Believe It Or Not short, but out of the short king range.
Let’s call this the Short Prince range.
This is not meant to be an insult in any way, shape, or form. We need princes just as much as we need kings. You’re still royalty and don’t let anyone tell you differently.
*Author’s Note: I feel like these blogs tend to skew male sometimes based on my experiences, so I’ll try to include the female perspective as much as I can here, but I can’t really speak on what it feels like to be a woman of any particular height.*
Now let’s go to the opposite end of the spectrum.
Despite being called short by my friends all the time, I’ll have you know that I’m a perfectly average, vanilla height for a guy. So there. “Normal” in this case, is 5’ 9”- 5’ 10”. Which brings us to 6’ 0” and above.
5’ 11” we’ll come back to you later.
If you’re 6’ 0” - 6’ 4” you’re playing with house money. You’re taller than average, you fulfill the internet stereotype that girls are only looking for guys that are taller than 6’ 0”, and you’re not necessarily the tallest in your friend group. You’re chilling. This brings us to the 6’ 5” and above. If you’re 6’ 5” and taller and you’re not good at basketball I am sincerely sorry. I can’t even imagine the amount of times you’ve been asked this question in your life. I know I’m guilty of it and for that, I apologize. But you’re still tall so that’s a plus (at times). Fitting might be a difficulty when it comes to doors, clothes, beds, cars, etc. People might have to look up to you when they want to talk to you and you might have to look down. But you’re still tall so you’ve got that going for you.
There does reach a certain height where if you’re not good at basketball or a comparable sport then you’re really screwed. I’m not sure what that height is, but I think it’s somewhere around the 6’ 8” and above range. If you’re not good at sports then you better get really good at something fast, because then you can distract everyone from assuming you play professional basketball.
Alright, now we’ve covered all the heights. You’ve got the background you need for me to lay out my argument.
5’ 11” is the worst height. And here is why:
Being 5’ 11” is like being in purgatory. Now, I’m only speculating here, as I am not 5’ 11” myself, but this is how I understand it as a nearby observer. If you’re 5’ 10” you’re doing alright. You’re normal and you may get the occasional jab from your friends about your height, but there’s nothing wrong with being the average height for a man. The average height is actually 5’9, but in the social media age we live in it's been inflated. Us 5’ 9” and 5’ 10ers are fighting the good fight to make this knowledge known. Anyway, back to 5’ 11”.
Like I said, if you’re 5’ 10” you’re chilling. We’ve already established that if you’re 6’ 0” you’re mega chilling. But if you’re 5’ 11” you’re in no man’s land. You don’t want to tell people that you’re 5’ 10” because you never want to tell people that you’re shorter than you actually are and if you have an inch over the “average” height you’re going to want to wear that with pride. But you certainly can’t tell people that you’re 6’ 0” tall.
This is where the sub-argument that 6’ 0” is the 2nd worst height comes into play.
If you tell someone that you’re 6’ 0” tall, it suddenly turns into the fucking Spanish Inquisition.
The rulers come out, your claims are questioned, and trust goes out the window completely. If you’re actually 6’ 0” then you’re okay, which is what makes it the 2nd worst height, purely because of the constant doubting.
If you’re 5’ 11” it’s a different story.
You can’t say that you’re 6’ 0” out of the fear that you’ll be caught in your lie and exposed for being “short”. Except you’re not short because you’re not Average Height nor a Short King nor a Short Prince. So now you’re simply stuck at 5’ 11”.
Too tall to be average and too short to be tall.
I’m sorry I had to expose you all like this in my scientifically sound study, but it had to be done for the sake of science. Also, I’d feel bad about all of this except for the fact that I’ve had 5’ 11” friends call me short in the past so you can all go fuck yourselves.
I just spent way too long on Canva making this visual aid. It is now 3:00 am. Enjoy.
Alright, let’s make some recommendations.
Here's a list of movies/docs you should check out (in no particular order):
Since this is the 2nd blog of the week I’m gonna put my movie recommendations here directly. Check these out this weekend if you have a movie/date night.
Trust me.
Miracle (2004): In honor of the US playing Canada in the 4 Nations Championship tonight, I thought it was only fitting to recommend Miracle. It’s the 1B hockey movie to Slapshot’s 1A and it’s just a great movie to get you pumped up and excited. Kurt Russell is spectacular as Herb Brooks and I could watch his speeches on repeat.
Again!
Help! (1965): Seeing Paul McCartney be the one to close SNL’s 50th anniversary inspired me to recommend Help! this week. While A Hard Day’s Night is a better film, Help! is even more wacky and is very 60’s British. It’s also the 60th anniversary of the movie and the album this year which is another reason why it’s on the recommendation list this week. If you’re a Beatles fan this is a mandatory watch.
American Graffiti (1973): 1 of 2 George Lucas-directed films that aren’t in the Star Wars Universe and it’s the second-best movie in his filmography behind Star Wars: A New Hope. A love letter to the early 60s and the teenage experience during that time. It’s one of the best all-in-one-day movies of all time and the soundtrack is a great listen in and of itself.
The Blues Brothers (1980)/Wayne’s World (1992): I missed recommending these last week, but I figured I’d make up for it this week. In honor of SNL’s 50th anniversary, my recommendations have to include the 2 best SNL movies. They may be a bit dated in the humor and the references at this point, but they're still hilarious and are great movies if you’re looking for a laugh.
Wreck-It Ralph (2012): This is low-key one of my favorite animated movies of all time. That might be a hot take, but I have a soft spot for this film. It’s really charming, the voice cast is lights out, and the 80s arcade theme running through it is intoxication. It’s a ton of fun and a great choice for a movie night of any age.
Before we get to the blog….
I made a new website. It’s basically the same as the old Vault, but it’s been given a makeover and the movies and documentaries I watched in 2024 are now available as well. If you check it out please give me suggestions on how I can make it better. And let me know if there are any issues I need to fix.
Check it out here!
Alright, on to the blog.
Movies count for the year: 35
Doc count for the year: 4
Movies at Home
Inching ever closer to having no life. The last “new movies” I watched in 2024!
Kneecap (2024)
AKA: The coolest music biopic I’ve seen.
It took me way too long to get to watching this movie. It was when I was still at school that the trailer for Kneecap popped up on my Instagram feed one day and I was immediately hooked. I added it to the watchlist for upcoming 2024 movies right away. The problem was, that I don't think it had an American distribution deal and it wasn't in theaters (or it did and I just missed it). Whatever the case may be, I was right about this movie. It got added to Netflix in December and I watched it as soon as that happened. I knew I was going to love this movie off a teaser trailer and I could not have been more spot on.
I've always been a huge fan of British movies and British humor. Guy Ritchie, Edgar Wright, and Monty Python are my guys, through and through. So I figured this movie would be right up my alley, and it was. But don't get it twisted. This movie isn't British.
It's Irish.
It's 100%, green-blooded Irish to its core. It's still a toss-up between The Banshees of Inishirin (another great movie) and this for the most Irish movie I've ever seen, but Kneecap certainly has a chance to be #1. I appreciated the Irishness of it, on account of the fact that I myself happen to be Irish. If I'm being completely transparent it's a 25-75 split between Irish and German, respectively, but, and I mean no offense to my German ancestors, I only really care about the Irish. My people were here before the old mustache man rose to power (as far as I'm aware) but it can still be a tad awkward to be gung ho about being German (Hi Kai). So I fully embrace my Irish ancestry. I've had an Irish flag hanging in my room since high school, had one hanging in my room at college after my friends told me they'd desecrate my Maryland flag if I hung it up again, and I've even been to the homeland.
Being able to go to Ireland with my family and a dozen aunts and uncles was one of the highlights of my life. I was only in 5th grade, but it's a trip that I still think about all the time. In a blog months ago I talked about how I had no idea that the Gangnam Style craze was taking over America because it happened while I was in Ireland and I didn't have any technology at the time. Ah...simpler times. I also probably mentioned that my sister and I were the only kids on the trip so we were treated like royalty, which is always nice. I highly recommend it if you ever get the chance.
It's also something that I've held over my cousins' heads (hey Colin) ever since. Whenever I want to have a good laugh I bring it up. But all jokes aside, Ireland is a magical place. There's green as far as the eye can see, it's serene, and there was one day we were there that we saw 27 rainbows. Something I distinctly remember our tour guide saying is that there were 50 Shades of Green in Ireland. I had no clue what he was talking about at the time, and just like so many of the shows we used to watch as kids, the joke went right over my head.
Two last things about Ireland before we move on.
1. I regret being 11 when we went to Ireland. It's not like I could have magically turned 18 for the day, but I really want to go to the Guinness factory. That's all.
2. There's this saying in Ireland: "Good craic" which is pronounced, "good crack." The adults on the trip quickly adopted it and said it throughout our time there. I didn't think anything of it until a couple of years later when I learned what crack was. I shit you not, and Mom you're probably finding this out for the first time since I can't remember mentioning this, there was a part of me that truly thought that the adults on the trip had done crack while we were in Ireland. This was not 5th-grade me who thought this by the way. This was middle school, even high school me, who thought maybe, just maybe, there was the slightest chance that doing crack was some underground Irish tradition that my family partook in while we were across the pond. Much to my relief, "good craic" just means "good time" in Gaelic.
It’s the 180th anniversary of the Great Potato Famine so it’s only right to do a ranking of potatoes in honor of that.
Mount Rushmore of Potato Variations:
I can’t remember if I’ve done this ranking before, but this one is my personal ranking that I will defend to the death.
Tator Tots (my GOAT)
Mashed Red Potatoes (but not entirely smooth)
Twice Baked
Potatoes Au Gratin/Scalloped Potatoes (they’re basically the same thing)
Honorable Mentions:
Curly Fries
Sweet Potato (in any form)
Hasselback (I’m not too familiar with their game but they look awesome)
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: It’s the name of the group. Of course they say it.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 0%
No, But Really: This was one of my favorite movies of 2024, full stop. I’ve been recommending it to everyone who asks me to a movie rec and I will continue to do so. It’s hilarious, creative, and a very unique take on the music biopic. I’d never heard of the group of any of the songs but it doesn’t matter because of how purely joyful this movie made me feel. It’s like a shot of adrenaline watching this movie. I wanted to start it over as soon as it ended. Highly recommend.
The Bikeriders (2023)
AKA: Dudes riding bikes = cool.
Here's something I wish I'd known before watching this movie that I found out afterward. This film, written and directed by Jeff Nichols, is based on a book called, not surprisingly, The Bikeriders, by Danny Lyon. Except it's not really much of a book. Rather, it's a collection of photographs and transcribed interviews that Nichols took and crafted a story around. So Nichols crafted the story of this movie from these photos and not much else (or at least that's my understanding). That's pretty cool, and you get to see the photos he based the movie on in the epilogue.
That being said...
Man, I wish this movie was more exciting. I don't exactly know what I was expecting, but this film didn't hold my attention as much as I wanted it to. It certainly didn't get a fair shake because I watched it on a plane, but the viewing location notwithstanding, while this movie is admittedly cool at times, it didn't do it for me as much as I wanted it to. Not a bad movie by any means, and it's totally watchable, but it’s not my favorite. I just want to be clear. You may think that this means I've been fully anti-Austin Butler-pilled by my Mom (she hates him), but he is not the reason I didn't enjoy this movie as much as I wanted to. You know what I did enjoy, though?
Being in my own biker gang.
See, in my neighborhood (for the dozen people who read this who don't live there) it's normal for parents to let their kids out by themselves starting around 5 or 6. I'm pretty positive mine first let me go out by myself when I was 5 and simply told me to stay off the road down by the water and to be back home by sunset. This was back in the days before phones, and I really thank my parents for letting me do this early in my life. My neighborhood is very walkable, but walking is slow and boring, so, naturally, from the age of 5 to the age of 12 I was part of a biker gang.
The fear that would fill people's eyes when they saw us coming was palpable. Picture a pack of 8-12 tweens, taking up the entire street, rolling toward you on bikes with tennis balls in the spokes and people standing on the back pegs of certain bikes. When we stopped places the ground would be so littered with bikes that tripping was a given. The best was making the trek up the biggest hills in the forest and riding down them as fast as we could with absolutely no regard for our personal well-being. As bikes became "uncool," the biker gang slowly dissolved, but like with all undeniably cool things, it got adopted by younger generations. Hell, we adopted it from the groups older than us who got it from the groups older than them. However, I do have a bone to pick with these new biker gangs.
From my recollection, which we've established is almost perfect, the biker gang I was a part of was respectful of the rules of the road. Stop at stop signs, stay out of the way of cars, respect the right of way, etc. These kids nowadays couldn't give less of a shit. When I'm home I'll be driving out of my neighborhood and I'll end up behind a kid on a bike. Does he/she move out of the way? Nope. Probably because they're on their damn phone and not focused on the road. Yes, I'm aware I sound like an old man right now, but it's a cause that I support greatly. I respect children biker gangs as much as the next guy, but let's teach these kids the rules of the road.
Or don't give them phones when they're so young.
Top 5 Bikes from Pop Culture:
Elliot Taylor’s 1981 Kuwahara BMX Bicycle (E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial)
It doesn’t get more iconic than this.
Pete “Maverick” Mitchell’s Kawasaki GPZ900R (Top Gun)
Maverick races planes and bags Kelly McGillis with this bike. If Elliot didn’t fly in front of the moon this would easily be #1 for those two reasons alone.
Pee Wee Herman’s Schwinn DX Cruiser (Pee Wee’s Big Adventure)
A truly bizarre bike for a truly bizarre character in a truly bizarre movie. It would be one of the best props to get from a movie though.
Miss Gulch’s Waltham Orient (The Wizard of Oz)
This is the first bike that came to mind other than E.T. for me. What brings it down is the bike just isn’t as cool as the other on this list.
The Bullet Bike (Mario Kart Wii)
Unfortunately, this can’t go higher than 5 because of the cultural significance of the others on this list. The Flame Runner gets a lot of praise, and for good reason, but I’m partial to the Bullet Bike (specifically with Dry Bones).
Honorable Mentions:
Steve Mcqueen’s Motorcycle (The Great Escape)
Billy Zapka’s Motorbike (The Karate Kid)
Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda’s Harleys (Easy Rider)
The Terminator’s Motorcycle (Terminator 2: Judgement Day)
Indiana and Henry Jones’ Motorcycle/Sidecar (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade)
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Unfortunately, they do not.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 4%
No, But Really: I’m gonna be honest, this didn’t really work for me. Maybe it’s cause I watched it on a plane and I didn’t get the right experience, but I was kind of bored watching this. I think it looks pretty great, and the three leads, as well as the side characters, give solid performances, but the story just wasn’t doing it for me. It’s good but not great. The biking scenes are pretty badass though.
Diner (1982)
AKA: The more things change the more they stay the same.
Welcome to the last movie I watched in 2024. Does this mean we're caught up and can move on to 2025? No, but as I covered in my last blog: it's a work in progress.
I watched this with my Mom and Dad when I was back home in Maryland before flying back to LA. I'm not entirely sure why we picked Diner, but I can't deny the fact that it being set in Baltimore wasn't a factor. There's just not that many core Maryland texts when it comes to movies. Off the top of my head, I can think of a few:
Wedding Crashers
Patriot Games
No Way Out
Blair Witch Project (I haven't seen it but it's definitely a core MD movie)
Anything John Waters has made (Hairspray, etc.)
And now Diner
You'd think that being close to DC would give Maryland some bleedover, but DC acts like a vacuum and takes everything for itself. The biggest thing to be set in Maryland is probably The Wire, but when it comes to movies there’s not much to speak about. But that's neither here nor there. We'll take our limited number of movies and cherish them for what they are.
What struck me most about this movie is how timeless it is. Sure, it was made in the 1980s and set in the 1950s. And sure, life has changed a ton since 1959 (when this movie is set). But you know what hasn't seemed to change?
Young-adult friendships.
The way this movie translates what it's like to have friends as a guy is incredible. The conversations the characters have in this movie are basically identical to the ones I have with my friends today. The names and references they mention might be different, but the vibe is the same. Something you don't think about when you're younger is what your grandparents were like when they were your age. What I certainly didn't think about is how similar their teenage years were to mine. Obviously, things are very different than they were back then, but all of my grandparents still have friends who they've known for their entire lives. I have friends that I've known for my entire life that I hope to have when I'm my grandparents' age.
Despite the differences in what it's like to grow up in the 1950s versus now, what's really cool is that the nature of friendships seems to be a constant. All anyone wants to do, whether you were a young person in the 1950s (like my grandparents), the 1980s (like my parents), or the 2020s (like me) is hang out with their friends. It doesn't matter what you're doing. You could be watching sports, going for a drive, or watching paint dry; the only thing that matters is who you're doing that with. So my homework for you today is to text or call your friends if you haven't talked to them in a while; you'll thank me later.
And to all of my friends who are reading this right now, I love and miss you boys (and girls).
Building the Perfect Diner Breakfast
I love breakfast/brunch so this is gonna be tough. On a normal day, I really only have a banana for breakfast, but on the weekends I make myself a proper meal. I’m at home in a diner eating brunch, and if you get me to a breakfast buffet it’s game over.
Here we go.
Main Savory: Bacon (crispy), Egg (fried), and Cheese on a slightly crispy Kaiser roll.
The choice between bacon or sausage, what type of bread to use, and whether I even go with a BEC or a breakfast burrito here were all terribly difficult decisions that I wouldn’t give to my mortal enemy. You could give me a sausage, egg, and cheese on a biscuit and I’d still be happy. This is the best option though. I know people will say a BEC on a bagel, and I like that as much as the next guy, but if I’m being honest with myself, it’s always going to be a toast > bagel for me.
Main Sweet: Crispy Belgian Waffles with Strawberries and Homemade Whipped Cream. NO SYRUP.
This decision was way easier. I love waffles, I love waffles with fruit, and I don’t like syrup. Easy peasy.
Side 1: Crispy Shredded Hashbrowns
Hashbrowns was always going to be a side but it was a tricky decision on what kind. The all-time best hashbrown is undeniably the McDonald’s hashbrown, but I want to get more bang for my buck here so I’m going with 1B, the shredded hashbrown. Don’t give me any of that uncooked, soft crap. I want you to make it crispy just like the bacon.
Side Note: Not to be dramatic or anything, but if you think soft bacon is better than crispy bacon I think you should check yourself into a mental institution.
Side 2: Fruit Salad
I’m not talking about some little baby fruit salad. I’m thinking of the best fruit salad of your life. Gourmet stuff out the wazoo. Fruit you’ve never even heard of type shit.
Side 3: Biscuits and Gravy
This is a sneaky pick because some places have it as a main dish but I think it’s one that can fall into either section. For the sake of this exercise, I’m making it a side and I’m happy to have it as my 3rd side.
Drink: Bottomless Mimosas
Need I say more?
And that’s my perfect breakfast/brunch. I’m not partial to any of these though. Breakfast food is the best food, full stop, and I’m flexible. But if I had to pick my perfect one it’s what you just read.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Plenty of times.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 43%
No, But Really: I absolutely loved this movie. It’s a perfect ‘hang out’ movie, which is one of my favorite subgenres. Even though it’s set in the 1950s, I think it’s pretty timeless and is a perfect representation of male friendship on screen. The way this group of friends talk is just like how my group of friends talk and we’ve got 65+ years separating us from when this movie is set. If you haven’t checked this out yet I’d highly recommend it. Also one of the few movies set in Baltimore which is pretty cool.
-Oscars preview blog next week
—At least I’m not 5’ 11”
—-Unpaid internships are ridiculous
——Thank god I like movies
Tater tots as #1 is criminal