Veggie Burgers: Not That Bad
"I'm not that good at a lot of stuff. Especially thinking things through. And that's why this plan was so shitty. But my feelings were hurt, and I'm glad I at least did something about it." -Bad Words
Hello everybody. I know, I know. Late again. This might be turning into an every Wednesday blog but I swear I’ll get better. Maybe we can get to every Tuesday. And I swear every thumbnail won’t be from Spongebob. I’m sorry that there’s so many usable memes from it ok? Also, to anyone who caught my Drew Barrymore/Reese Witherspoon slip up last week: that will probably be the first of many. Don’t hold that against me.
Friends. Family. Mostly family. Thanks for coming back and suffering through another one of my blogs! And if it’s your first time here don’t tell me I didn’t warn you. I promised last week that this one wouldn’t be as long and it shouldn’t be since there’s a lot less movies to write about. *UPDATE* This is future Will. I don’t know how it happened but…whoops this one’s long as fuck too. Sorry not sorry.
Oh, you’ve got a question about the title of the blog? Yeah, those are gonna be pretty random every week. Last week it was due to that fact that in my travels I found out that people in Georgia drive either exactly the speed limit or, in most cases, under the speed limit. For this one, I tried my first veggie burger this weekend! Not by choice, but because it was quite literally the last thing to eat available and I needed food to help me sober up and make it through the night. (Sorry Mom and Dad!) If I’m honest it wasn’t that bad. Tasted kind of like Mexican food. Probably wouldn’t do it again. The more you know.
The Movies I Watched
Judas and the Black Messiah (2021)
Wow.
I love learning about historical events that I didn’t learn in school or don’t know much about and while I know movies might not always be the best way to learn about these things because of the creative licenses that can be taken, I’ll never stop.* Don’t even try to tell me otherwise. And when a movie is this good while also teaching me something I didn’t know that much about? Double-win. Seriously, this movie was a force. You can’t really go wrong with Daniel Kaluuya and LaKeith Stanfield acting together. If you haven’t seen Atlanta stop what you’re doing and watch it right now. First off, the fact that that show has Donald Glover, Brian Tyree Henry, LaKeith Stanfield, and Zazie Beetz all at once is insanity. Secondly, the show is smart, funny, entertaining, and thought-provoking. A true FX show.
I love historical movies. I know people can get pissed because they can leave out things, change history, or things of that nature, but that’s why they say “Based on a true story.” It’s not the true story, but it based on it. Of course they have to spice it up a bit at times, or make it more digestible, and obviously there are times where condensing is necessary. But if the movie accomplishes its goal of entertaining an audience while secretly enlightening and teaching them at the same time it's a win in my book. And I always look up how accurate these types of movies are once I’m done with them. I really love history. And movies. But you already knew that.
Ranking of Daniels in pop culture
Daniel Devito (Our King)
Daniel Tanner (Full House)
Daniel Phantom (Danny Phantom)
Daniel LaRusso (The Karate Kid)
Daniel Ocean (Oceans’ 11)
Daniel Zuko (Grease)
Dirty Daniel (Spongebob)
8.—Everything else: Every other Daniel in real life, movies, TV, books, imaginations, etc.
…
Last of all time, forever: Daniel Snyder
Rating of Daniel Kaluuya movies I’ve watched in the past week 9/10 (Get Out is a 10/10)
No, but really: Watch this movie. Kaluuya won the Oscar for a reason and it’s a story that deserves to be known by more people.
*Shoutout all my history majors and minors out there.
Scoob! (2020)
I love Scooby-Doo and always have. I remember watching the OG show from 1969 on Boomerang with my Dad and sister as a kid, watching crossover episodes at my grandparents’ house, and especially remember watching the 2-Disc set of What’s New Scooby-Doo with my sister front to back over and over. So when this movie came out a few years ago I was lowkey pumped to see it. Took me a while but I finally did and…eh. There were bits and pieces I genuinely liked but there was too much that I didn’t unfortunately. And before you start coming at me: I know I’m not the exact target audience for this movie. But I feel like this tried to touch as many demographics as possible that it missed the mark.
Also, Scooby-Doo’s been around for more than 50 years. It’s got a huge audience. I’m breaking a rule here but the villain in this movie is Dick Dastardly. You know, the guy from Wacky Races? Oh, you didn’t all of my readers under the age of oh, I don’t know, 40?* For me, a Hannah-Barabara cinematic universe sounds dope. I loved all of those shows on Boomerang back in the day, but do kids even know who these characters and shows are?** God I sound like an old man. Just stop redesigning the Scooby-Doo characters and I’ll be happy. GO BACK TO THE ORIGINAL DESIGNS. Like WTF is this:
2015 should be thrown down Mount Doom.
Ranking of the most random Scooby-Doo crossovers:
Simple Plan (Yes, the band)
The Harlem Globetrotters
WWE
Kiss (Yes, the band. I’m laughing as I type this.)
The Addams Family
Ranking of the best Scooby-Doo crossovers:
Batman
That’s the list. This crossover fucking ruled.
Rating of movies with a talking Great Dane in it: 8/10 (Marmaduke is a 1/10)
No, But Really: Not really worth it, but if you need something to put on in the background while you do literally anything, like, say, build a Lego Millennium Falcon, go ahead. Or if you have kids I guess. Can’t relate to that one.
*Not trying to stereotype of think little of my loyal audience but I’m just being honest. The show was on for 1 season back in 1968 and has 17 episodes.
**For some reason I distinctly remember watching reruns of Wacky Races on a Saturday morning after a sleepover at Dempsey Reese’s house back when I was in elementary school. Don’t ask me why or how. My brain is weird. I hate it and love it at the same time.
Bad Words (2013)
I love Jason Bateman. He seems like a great dude to hang out with. Have you listened to Smartless? Or seen Game Night?* Or any performance from him in any movie ever? He’s just great. Now if you’re expecting nice guy Jason Bateman in this movie (like I’m assuming most people did when it came out in 2013 based on the wrongfully low reviews it received) do not. But he’s so damn funny regardless. And what a premise for a movie! Plus there’s good kid acting which is so tough to get and goes such a long way.
Spelling bees are crazy. First off, it’s kind of a useless skill.** Second off, despite it being a pretty useless skill, there’s a nationally televised spelling bee that I’m pretty sure I watch every goddamn year cause it’s entertaining as hell. And it’s for $50,000 in cash. Let me repeat that. $50,000. IN CASH. Just for spelling words. How awesome is that? I can’t imagine doing what those kids do. I’d go up there, start sweating, stammering, and then mess up the first word and then spontaneously combust on stage out of embarrassment. But imagine pulling that shit out at a party once they’re in college or something? What a party skill to have.
Ranking of media with Spelling Bees in them:
Bad Words
Akeelah and the Bee
A Boy Named Charlie Brown
You should watch all three of these things.
Rating of how much I want to hang out with Jason Bateman’s character: 6/10 (Juno is a 2/10, Dodgeball is a 8/10, Every other performance I’ve seen might be a 10/10. I haven’t seen Ozark, I feel like that might be a 1/10)
No, But Really: If you’re looking to laugh watch this movie. It’s a combo and great balance of smart and raunchy humor. I swear I was laughing the entire time there’s jokes every minute. It’s also short if you’re looking for something quick and breezy. Also Bateman’s directorial debut. That doesn’t really mean anything I’m just proud of my boy.
*If you haven’t you should. One of the funniest/best comedies since 2015.
**Mocking voice “But Will, trivia is a useless skill. What’s the point of knowing what year Blazing Saddles came out, who it’s directed by, and who is stars?” Shut up loser. You just suck at trivia. And 1974, Mel Brooks, and Gene Wilder, if you were wondering. I didn’t look those up I swear. Scout’s honor. I told you I have a weird brain.
Keeping Movie Theaters Alive
Just want to start this part off by saying: Great job this past month everyone! Theaters are back. Or at least for the next couple of weeks before the shit part of summer when there’s no good movies. And then for the foreseeable future because the goddamn studios keep pushing back their releases because they won’t negotiate with the fucking actors and writers.
Now I’m sad again.
Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning Part 1 (2023)
Yes, I know I said I was going to knock out the Mission: Impossible and Bourne series’ next. I also know that I have one less Mission: Impossible movie to watch now. Do I still have 2-5 to go? Also yes. Regardless, this movie ruled.
So this was the first movie I saw in theaters with someone in a long time. And that person was my Dad. Remember? The guy who cries at The Dark Knight Rises? (And others)? For the 1000s* of you reading this blog for the first time, I just want you to know that I absolutely love watching movies with my Dad and I am in no way shape or form trying to shame people who cry at movies. But, for some reason, one of my favorite parts of watching a movie with my Dad is looking over at him when the movie is over to see if his eyes are glistening. To me I think it just shows if we just watched a good or great film because it moved him or something. IDK stop asking me about it ok? I don’t want to get into it. Fuck.
Anyway…
Tom Cruise might be a God. Or an Alien. Or he’s just the coolest person alive. Or the dumbest. Or the weirdest. Honesty, he’s probably a combination of those last three. The shit that he pulls is simply next level and I don’t think there will ever be someone to match him. I mean the guy just keeps one-upping himself. HE’S FILMING A MOVIE IN SPACE. IN SPACE! FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN TO DO IT. The guy just doesn’t quit.
Rating for how much this movie kept me at the edge of my seat 8/10 (Uncut Gems is a 10/10, D3: The Mighty Ducks is a -8/10)
No, But Really: I realized I didn’t really talk about the movie at all in my “review.” If you like action—>you’ll like this. If you like Mission: Impossible—>you’ll like this. If you like stunts—>you’ll like this. Need I say more?
*10s
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of Toys” - Barbenheimer (2023)
Oppenheimer (2023)
I did it everybody. I did Barbenheimer. I shall now wait for your standing ovation to be over. Maybe it’ll be like one of those famous Cannes standing ovations.* What a day it was. Straight from work to the theaters for the next 6 hours. Does it get any better than that?
This movie was breathtaking, exhausting, taxing, and transfixing. Sorry for not saying anything any of the other millions of people who’ve seen this movie have said before. But it’s the truth. Every performance was simply incredible there’s no other way to put it. It might sound like I’m kissing Christopher Nolan’s ass right now but I mean the man fucking did that thing. He’s one of the only directors left that people will go to theaters for purely to see his movie. Need more of that.
What we don’t need is studios interfering with phenomenons like Barbenheimer. This next part is directed solely at all of the studio executives reading this so feel free to skip it. I know this is wishful thinking but please for the love of god don’t try to force this. I know you will. Goddamit I’m getting angry just thinking about it. I saw one of you today trying to push #SawPatrol.** Stop it. Right now. No one wants you to do it. Seriously. The internet in the last 6 weeks has been wonderful seeing all the Barbenheimer content being pushed by the moviegoers instead of you guys. Stay out of it and maybe people won’t turn on you more than they already have.
Phew. Sorry I’m back. I told you there would be rants in this blog last week. Get used to it. But I also said you could’ve skipped it so don’t blame me for the last minute of your life you’re not getting back reading something not meant for you.
Ranking of Presidents I think I could beat in a fight:
William Henry Harrison (the guy died of pneumonia 32 into office. Soft.)
James Madison (He was 5’4” and 100 lbs. I’m not the tallest guy but I mean come on.)
Any president we’ve had over the age of 70
See number 3
See number 3
…
Abraham Lincoln (Dude was 6’4” without his hat, was a wrestler with 300 victories in 12 years, and grew up in a log cabin. Count me the fuck out.)
Teddy Roosevelt (No explanation needed.)
Rating of the amount of explosions in a movie relative to the subject matter of the movie: 1/10 (Any Michael Bay movie is a 10/10. Shit could be about stuffed animals and he’d find a way)
No, But Really: Just go to the theaters and watch this movie. Who cares that it’s 3 hours? Drink a RedBull and stop being a baby. I also didn’t even mention Florence Pugh in this entire review. I sincerely apologize. She’s amazing in everything she does. She carried Don’t Worry Darling. What a weird movie that was.
*These are wild to me. Did you know that Inglourious Basterds got an 11 minute standing ovation? I mean, I like that movie as much as the next person but 11 minutes?! Pan’s Labyrinth got a 22 minute ovation. Twenty. Two. Minutes. THAT’S A FULL EPISODE OF ANY SITCOM YOU’VE EVER WATCHED. Any episode of It’s Always Sunny, Seinfeld, Friends, How i Met Your Mother. That’s pure insanity.
**That’s Saw X and Paw Patrol for any of you wondering btw. (Remember when I said we’re entering the dog days of summer movies?)
Barbie (2023)
What a theater experience Barbenheimer was. Went to a packed 5:30 Oppenheimer and then a completely full 9:10 Barbie. And the 9:40 showing for Barbie was completely full too. On a Tuesday! Good job everybody. Reminds me of 2019 Avengers: Endgame which was just insanity. You had to be there.
Can I take a minute to talk about Ryan Gosling and Margot Robbie? Yes? Ok, thanks. Uh…how awesome are they? I mean, just look at Gosling’s press tour for this movie. It’s been hysterical and totally genuine. He could legitimately be one of the best two-way (comedy-drama) actors this is. Seriously, watch Blade Runner 2049 and then watch The Nice Guys.* And then we’ve got Margot Robbie, who is amazing in her own right. She’s one of the best actresses acting right now bar none, right up there with Florence Pugh** Jennifer Lawrence or Scar Jo Anyone who shit talks her can go to hell or should go back and watch any of her movies. Or both. Yea, do both.
Ranking of the movies based on toys that would be the stupidest:
Any card game like, say, Uno
Etch-a-Sketch
Viewmaster
Magic 8-Ball
A jigsaw puzzle
Now let’s play a game. 3 of those are currently in the works to be made into a movie by Mattel. Try to guess which ones!
Rating for movies based off toys 8/10 (The Lego Movie is a 9/10, The Lego Batman Movie is a 10/10, Both G.I. Joe movies are 2/10). Notice how the live action ones are lacking?
No, But Really: There’s a lot of discourse with this movie which, frankly, can fuck right off. Just get over yourself and go watch and enjoy. It’s hilarious for all ages and genders and there’s honestly great things to take home by everyone. I was laughing my ass off for real.
*Seriously, watch both of these movies they’re both amazing. The Nice Guys is one of my favorites of all time.
**I think I’m in love Florence Pugh. This will not the last time I type this in this blog.
The Documentaries I Watched
QT8: The First 8 (2019)
First off, obviously this doc is for fans of Tarantino. If you’re not the biggest fan of his movies or haven’t seem them all I’m not sure this is the one for you. But if you don’t like him, or think he’s too violent, or anything else, this doc might make you think differently. IDK just do what you want don’t let me tell you what you should and shouldn’t watch. I hate people like that. Stop gatekeeping things or steering people away from certain stuff just cause you may not like it.*
Anyway, there’s not much else to say about this one. It just chronicles Quentin’s career through his first 8 movies (Reservoir Dogs (1992), Pulp Fiction (1994), Jackie Brown (1997), Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Vol. 2 (2003 & 2004), Death Proof (2007), Inglourious Basterds (2009), Django Unchained (2012), The Hateful Eight (2016)) with actors, colleagues, etc. Pretty cool stuff to me but who cares what I think. He is one weird dude though I’ll tell you that. Just do a deep dive sometime he’s a genius and knows so much about movies but goddamn what a weirdo.
Building My Heist Team of Characters from Tarantino Movies (6 people, only 1 per movie, and no duplicate actors)
Mr. White/Harvey Keitel (Reservoir Dogs)
The Bride/Uma Thurman (Kill Bill)
Lt. Aldo Raine/Brad Pitt (Inglourious)
Dr. King Schultz/Cristoph Waltz (Django)
Jules Winnfield/Samuel L. Jackson (Pulp Fiction)
Donnie Donowitz “The Bear Jew”/Eli Roth (Inglourious)**
*I realize that I may be doing this exact thing with this blog. I mean I am literally telling you guys what I like and don’t like. Not that you’ll even take my reviews to heart (and please don’t, that’s a lot more pressure on my that will most definitely go t my head).
**I am aware that I have broken the very rules I laid out for myself. However, they are my rules so I can break them. Also, I needed The Bear Jew on my team. Also also, I would probably just take the entire squad of Basterds if I could. And Jules from Pulp of course.
-Sign off
—Fuck Dan Snyder
—-I love movie theaters
——The Princess Bride, Platoon, Superman Returns, and more coming next week