It seems like I say this a lot but look who’s back?
Hello everybody and welcome back to the blog. It’s been basically 4 months since I’ve posted one and trust me, I’m fully aware of that because I get reminded everyday by the members of my family. Sorry I had to graduate college and didn’t have time to write these blogs (I did have time to watch movies though). It’s a lazy excuse and I know that because I’ve also just been lazy and was lacking the motivation to write a blog since I got home from school. But all that’s in the past now. I’m a new man (you’ve all heard that before) and I’m ready to get back on the wagon (you’ve also heard that before). Let’s fucking go.
I also want to apologize specifically to my readers in Sherwood Forest. I know while I’ve been gone these last few months there has been more competition in the blog scene. I’ve been selfish with my time and have left you with the ramblings of a doctor turned influencer trying to get you to do all meat diets, cold plunges, and sprint challenges. For that I am extremely apologetic.
All jokes aside, go reach Dr. House’s blog. Us bloggers have to support one another, right?
Here’s a link to his blog. Click if you dare.
So where have I been since March?
That’s a difficult question to answer. Since March I’ve watched a lot of sports (basketball and baseball mostly). I’ve also watched a lot of movies and documentaries. I also went to the beach a few times (in South Carolina and in New Jersey). I went to Portugal with my family (it was very beautiful). I made a documentary about my family (that I’m actually very proud of). I went to Pittsburgh to visit my sister (it greatly exceeded my admittedly low expectations). And a bunch of other stuff mixed in between.
There are two things I want to highlight from my last few months.
I graduated college.
More importantly I went to go see Dead and Co. at the Sphere.
I’ll touch on graduation first.
It was more than a month ago now but it still feels weird to be graduated. The fact that I won’t be going back to Wake in the fall and living with some of my friends again is a weird and sad thought that is sinking in more and more everyday. But this section of the blog is not meant to be a downer.
I want to tell you guys about how I almost slept through my graduation.
The tradition at Wake is to stay up all night the day before your graduation so you just power through the day on no sleep (usually still drunk or hungover from the night before). I did not manage to stay up all night and fell asleep at an undetermined time. The reason I know it was undetermined is because my phone almost died, I forgot to charge it, and I forgot to set an alarm. The only reason I woke up was cause I got a call from Finn (my guardian angel) who told me that I had to get up so we could make it graduation on time. I’m not even going to mention my other friends (specifically the ones who live with me) who failed to wake me up (or even try) before they left for graduation themselves. I’ve matured since I graduated so I’m definitely not going to blame them for claiming the day before that we’d all make sure everyone got up before failing entirely in this mission. A naive college student might have accused them of this but I am now a college graduate so I’m above such things.
Anyway, I did manage to make it to graduation. Only problem is that I forgot my tassel for my cap, my sunglasses (the sun was blazing), and I forgot my belt so my pants were falling down. In other words: I was down horrendous. Thankfully my mom and sister were able to save me and make the day survivable. I managed to make it through the 4 hour ceremony, didn’t miss my time to walk across the stage and get my diploma (like some of my friends did because they were throwing up in the bathroom), and didn’t fall asleep one (although I wish I had looking back). I somehow graduated college. Don’t ask me how I did it.
The second, and frankly more important, thing that has happened in my life since the last blog was going to Las Vegas to see Dead and Co. with the fam. In short, it was the best concert I’ve ever been to and I think it was one of the best experiences of my life. I was in Las Vegas for 36 hours and I’ll do my best to lay them out for you.
I got to Las Vegas around 8 pm on Friday. It was 100 degrees and it would not get cooler the entire weekend. I had failed to download Die Hard: With A Vengeance (sad face) for my flight so I tried to watch Priscilla on the flight through the plane’s streaming. The wifi didn’t work for some reason so I suffered through 2 hours of buffering to get through a half hour of the movie. I tried to sleep for the other 3 hours instead but I wasn’t too successful. From the airport we got an uber to our hotel, checked in, and started to explore. Vegas is hilarious. You can stay inside the entire time you’re there and it wouldn’t matter. No clocks, no windows, no signs that any time passes. And why would you go outside? Like I said, it was 100+ the entire time. Might as well stay inside in the AC and lose all your money. I don’t know if you’ve ever read the Percy Jackson books but the White Lotus Casino from The Lightning Thief seems like it could be a legit thing (if they were able to find a way to stop people from aging and everything of course). Friday ended pretty early because it had been a long day of travel.
Saturday morning.
Wake up, get dressed, and go to grab our tickets. Tie dye shirts, dancing bears, dancing skeletons, and Jerry Garcia shirts are being worn all throughout the hotel. It was truly unbelievable. I got roasted by my uncle Tim for wearing a Who shirt to their concert a couple summers ago so I was very self conscious about wearing a Dead shirt to the concert in the Sphere.
To quote PCU, a movie that is very great but impossible to find to watch anywhere:
“Don’t be that guy.”
Safe to say that my fears were quickly quelled. After we got our tickets, walked through the Grateful Dead exhibit they had, and took some photos, we walked down the strip for some food. Have I mentioned that it was 100+ in Las Vegas? They say it’s a dry heat but I think that’s bullshit cause I can tell you confidently that I was sweating the entire time. We thankfully got back to the hotel after a quick walk and ended up going to the pool. The pool might be the best place to be in 100 degree heat. Not the best place to be? Sitting in a pool chair trying to read. I lasted about 45 min to an hour before I had to call it quits. Eventually we cut out losses and went back to the room.
Next up was a walk down the strip with my sister. I don’t know exactly how far we walked down, but since we walked past Paris, New York, Egypt, and King Arthur’s castle it felt pretty far. Audj’s main goal for this walk was simple: see the Bellagio fountains. This was also one of my goals as the show is part of one of my favorite movies of all time: Ocean’s 11. Only problem was that we didn’t time it right and had 20 minute to kill before the next show started. We weren’t gonna stand in the heat so we went into a casino. The next natural step was, of course, to play blackjack until the show started. Somehow Audj and I managed to turn $50 into $350 in 10 minutes, got out while we could, cashed out, and made it to the Bellagio fountains just in time. That whole day my sister had said she didn’t understand why people gambled. When we walked out of those casino doors she looked at me and said: “I get it now.”
Let’s flash forward to the show.
The walk to the Sphere was a sea of tie dye. We managed to get in without a problem and all the way up to our seats without a hitch. Immediately the people next to us introduce themselves and we talked for a while before the show started. Deadheads are the nicest people on Earth and just want everyone to have a good time. Far and away the nicest fan group I’ve ever encountered.
The show was insane. The visuals were crazy as well and Big Cat summed it up best with this tweet:
I also have to touch on John Mayer for a second. John Mayer can fucking shred. I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to say that he is one of the best guitarists of all time. He was crazy good and all I want to do is go back to another show.
The funniest thing about John Mayer to me is that whenever I see him or hear his music I immediately think of Chappelle’s Show. Specifically this sketch:
I can attest: white people love John Mayer.
Go watch Chappelle’s Show by the way. Shit is hilarious.
Unfortunately, the show finally did end and we had to leave the Sphere.
At this point it was close to midnight and I had a flight home at 5:00 am (in 5 hours). Notice how I said I. Southwest had changed my original flight home and moved me to a flight 4 hours earlier which was just fantastic. So, with 4 hours until I had to wake up I decided to get In N’ Out.
Naturally.
After my quest to In N’ Out (might as well take advantage while I was out there) I got home, went to sleep, and woke up immediately to get to the airport. They call New York the city that never sleeps but they should really change that to Las Vegas cause seeing the hoards of drunk people roaming the streets at 4:00 am was a sight to behold. And so ended my 36 hours in Las Vegas. Truly one of the best 36 hours of my life and one I’ll never forget.
Before we start I just want to wish everyone a Happy 3rd of July and a Happy early 4th of July. Here are the two things I think around this time every year.
Bill Pullman’s speech in Independence Day
I’ll throw that on from time to time just to feel something.
Put it in reverse
An all time classic.
Enjoy the holiday, enjoy your freedom, and go America.
Hopefully we make it through the year.
Before we get to the blog I want to give an update.
I finally finished updating The Vault with everything I watched in 2023. Took way longer than expected but it’s all up to date and hopefully a bit more improved. Check it out if you’re looking for a movie to watch or want to see my thoughts.
I’m also trying this rewatchability status thing that I tried with the last blog (I wouldn’t blame you if you don’t remember what I’m talking about.
With each movie I’ll do a rewatchable status with answers from a Magic 8 Ball. This status does not dictate how I feel about the quality of the movie. It is purely my opinion on how rewatchable it is overall. A horrible movie can be really rewatchable while an all time classic might only need to be seen once. That’s how this thing goes. Here’s a key for that by the way:
I’m also doing player comps again for each of these movies. You may not agree with some of them. That is okay. Just take a deep breath and move on.
We’ve got a lot of movies to catch up on so let’s get on with it.
As always, check out my Recommendations for the Week if you’re looking for a movie to watch (updated every week). I’ve gone with some summer camp vibes this week so go check them out if you haven’t already.
Alright, on to the blog.
Movies count for the year: 78
Doc count for the year: 31
It’s good to be back.
Movies
I’m kind of cheating here. These are some of the first movies I watched this year (all the way back in January) that I really wanted to talk about but wanted to give them the respect they deserved. I also cheated again and included one I watched in April. Hopefully I’m not too rusty and this blog still works. Cheers.
There Will Be Blood (2007)
AKA: Oil —> Church —> Milkshake.
Rewatchable status: It is certain.
I want to start this section off by just simply saying yes. Yes to more movies like this. Yes to more movie years like 2007. Yes to more movies set during the turn of the 20th century about oil barons who battle a small town priest over oil-filled land. Yes to all of those things.
Back when I watched Arrival all the way back in 2023, I wrote about how after the movie ended I just sat there in the dark of my room staring at my computer as the credits rolled with a stunned look on my face. This was another one of those movies that did that for me (I can’t really give a movie a better endorsement than that btw).
There are three things I want to write about in this section.
First off, this was one of the last movies on that “Best 50 movies of the last 15 years” list that I’ve slowly been working through since 2020. Watching this brought me down to 2 left on that list that I hadn’t seen yet.
Secondly, my mom hated this movie. Now, this fact in and of itself is not mind blowing. You’re allowed to dislike and even hate movies. I dislike and hate many movies that I’ve seen (looking at you Far From Heaven). However, when someone openly hates numerous movies that are universally beloved, that is where I draw the line. Either my Mom has horrible taste in movies or it’s all an act so that she can be ✨different✨ from everyone else. I don’t think either of these things are the case. I’ve been on this earth for 22 years and I have not yet gotten down to the bottom of this mystery.
Alright, now to more interesting stuff (or at least more interesting to me).
2007 was just an unreal movie year.
Let me read you off some of the movies that came out in 2007.
3:10 to Yuma, Enchanted, Blades of Glory, Knocked Up, The Bourne Ultimatum, Juno, Hot Rod, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Zodiac, Hot Fuzz, Ratatouille, Superbad, There Will Be Blood, No Country For Old Men.
Now, obviously, some of those movies are better than others, but 6 of those movies are legit some my favorite movies of all time. That’s insane.
Take me back.
Goddammit, I was 6 years old but take me back to a time when all of these movies could come out and be popular.
I know every time I say shit like that I sound like this:
But I can’t help it. I’m 22 years old but a 70 year old man at heart and I’ll bitch and moan about the state of movies all that I want thank you very much.
I had to decide between seeing The Bikeriders last night or the 4th Bad Boys movie (I haven’t seen the 3rd one yet).* I’ve heard that both are perfectly fine movies but it’s an overall sad state of affairs.
Anyway, I want to focus on 2 of the movies that came out in 2007:
There Will Be Blood and No Country For Old Men.
These movies are intertwined for a number of reasons. They are both on my favorite movies of all time list, they were both Best Picture nominees (No Country ended up winning), they both won acting Oscars (Daniel Day-Lewis got Best Actor, Javier Bardem got Best Supporting), and, welp, they both have little to no female characters in them. Now I could get into the weeds on how there should be more female representation in movies (there absolutely should be) but I will leave that to people who are much smarter than me. All I will say here is that dudes rock.
God, both of these movies are actually so fucking good I can’t describe them to you any better.
Oh my god, I almost forgot. My favorite connection between these two films? They were both filmed in the same area of Texas at the same time. They were filmed so close to each other that while they were filming this one scene from There Will Be Blood, there ended up being so much smoke in the sky that No Country had to shut down filming for the day. The casts even went to go hang out with each other during down time. How cool is that? Now that I just read that back I’m realizing that most of you will not think that is as cool as I think it is but then again, you just read what I wrote so clearly it interested you a least a little bit. Now, I could talk about how movie productions blowing huge clouds of ash in the sky is bad for the environment and that movie productions in general are not the greatest things for the environment as a whole but I’m also gonna leave that to people who are smarter than me. All I’m gonna say about that is that I love movies.
And dudes rock.
Mount Rushmore of Greedy Characters From Pop Culture
Mr. Krabs (Spongebob Squarepants)
Could there be any other #1? This guy has been greedy my entire life and shows no signs of changing. When the official Spongebob Squarepants Youtube channel has a 10 minute video titled “Mr. Krabs’ GREEDIEST Moments Ever!” There’s no argument against it. Shit, they’ve got a 50 minute video as well. He’s the GOAT.
Best Line that has to do with money:
Reporter: What caused you to open a 2nd Krusty Krab right next door the original?
Mr. Krabs: Money!
Greediest Moment: Selling Spongebob for 62 cents to The Flying Dutchman.
Just a tough beat for my guy Bob.
Here’s that 10 min video for all of my Gen Z and (young) Millennial readers who want to watch:
Jordan Belfort (The Wolf Of Wall Street)
Tough to have a Mount Rushmore of Greediest Pop Culture characters without the Wolf himself. Not the Wolf from Pulp Fiction of course, but the Wolf of Wall Street. Do I have to explain myself? He was tricking people into buying penny stocks and committing fraud. Charity? Never heard of it. Luxury? His middle name.
Best line that has to do with money: “My name is Jordan Belfort. I'm a former member of the middle class raised by two accountants in a tiny apartment in Bayside, Queens. The year I turned 26, as the head of my own brokerage firm, I made $49 million, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week.”
Greediest moment: I mean, going so far that he went to jail? Is it possible to be greedier?
Daniel Plainview (There Will Be Blood)
The main character from the movie being discussed in this section and after one watch he’s on the Mount Rushmore. I don’t want to spoil anything from this movie because I want you all to watch it, but I’ll just say this dude doesn’t let anything stand in his way of getting rich. I’ll leave it at that. I’ll let his nomination speak for himself.
Best quote that has to do with money: “I want no one else to succeed”
Hard.
Greediest moment: [redacted for spoilers]
Randolph and Mortimer Duke (Trading Places)
Like most blogs and rankings, I’m technically cheating here, but I mean, come on. If I have one of the Duke brothers I need the other. They’re a package deal and don’t work by themselves. They’re the epitome of old stuck up rich white dudes and the way they come crumbling down throughout Trading Places is just superb. One of my favorite movies of all time as well.
Best line that has to do with money:
Author’s Note: $5 buys be a 1/3 of a ticket nowadays. Price gouging as its finest. That might not be price gouging but then again, I am an Econ major so let’s just assume that I know what I’m talking about.
Greediest moment: The entire movie?
Mount Rushmore Honorable Mentions: Mr. Burns (The Simpsons), pre-vision quest Ebenezer Scrooge (A Christmas Carol), Gordon Gekko** (Wall Street), Chick Hicks (Cars), King Julien (Madagascar), Scrooge McDuck
Chance my Dad cries while watching this movie: 68%
Player Comp: Oppenheimer (2023), No Country For Old Men (2007), The Godfather II (1974), Wolf of Wall Street (2013)
No, But Really: One of the best movies I’ve watched in 2024 and one of the best epic movies of all time in my opinion. Daniel Day Lewis is one of a kind and the sweeping narrative of this movie is spectacular. It’s long but goddamn I could not recommend it more. It’s also based on a novel but you can totally see how it could be historical fiction which is always a cool movie genre.
*Before anyone comes after me in the comments (not that anyone ever comments on these except my mom) I’ve already seen Inside Out 2.
**I couldn’t include him cause I haven’t seen Wall Street yet. It’s on the list.
Lady Bird (2017)
AKA: High school in Sacramento in 2002 (but so goddamn relatable).
Rewatchable status: As I see it, yes.
Yet another one of those movies from the “50 Best of the last 15 Years” and one that’s been recommended to me since it came out. Like another movie that you’ll be reading about later, I’m mad that it took me this long to get to it. This movie came out I was in high school and back then I thought it was about this pretentious high school girl and that I would hate it. HEY! EARTH TO HIGH SCHOOL ME: YOU’RE AN IDIOT. I’ve done that with a lot of things in my life; not just movies. I used to convince myself I didn’t like avocados/guacamole. Guacamole is one of my favorite foods.
I used to convince myself I didn’t like the band Cream.
“Sunshine of Your Love” is one of my favorite, if not my favorite, songs of all time.
The list goes on. What I’m trying to say is, take a chance on things and you may be surprised how much you like them.
I need to take a moment to talk about the cast of this movie and how absolutely stacked it is with some of the young stars in Hollywood today.
The fact they were able to get Saoirse Ronan, Timothee Chalamet, Beanie Feldstein*, Lucas Hedges, Kathryn Newton, and Laura Morano (she’s not as big of a star but I loved Austin and Ally back in the day) in the same movie is wild and a testament to how great the casting was for this movie.
After watching this movie I had 1 more movie to watch on the “50 best movies of the last 15 years.” My Lost Ark, my Holy Grail, my 3rd thing that Indiana Jones was looking for in his movies.** That last movie:
La La Land.
Mount Rushmore of Best Casts in Movie History:
Se7en
This was the first one that came to my mind. Came to me immediately so I had to include it on my Mount Rushmore. Also, fun fact, Brad Pitt actually broke his arm while filming Se7en so David Fincher changed the movie to add it in.
The Naked Gun
Am I allowed to say Rest In Peace to the Juice? This was the second cast I thought of for this Mount Rushmore, but if I’m honest I thought he was in a full body cast at some point in this movie. I guess I made that up but here we are.
Bonus: my favorite tweet about OJ Simpson.
Dude ran for 2,000 yards in a 14 game season. Pure dominance.
Rear Window
This cast right here makes the movie. Without Jimmy Stewart being stuck in this cast there’s simply no movie and for that reason alone it makes the Mount Rushmore. It’s also a key character in a truly brilliant movie so that always helps.
Spongebob Squarepants
A Spongebob Squarepants entry in both Mount Rushmores! I swear I’m not trying to do that, but it’s the first that come to head and the best ones I find doing research. I think of a cast I think of this guy that was an asshole to Spongebob and Patrick when they were trying to sell chocolate.
What a great show.
Honorable Mentions: Ladybird, Grown Ups
Chance my Dad cries while watching this movie: 20%
Player Comp: Booksmart (2019), Dazed and Confused (1993), Stand By Me (1986)
No, But Really: I loved this movie. The cast is lights out and while the movie could have fallen into the typical “coming-of-age” movie tropes it manages to have a unique take on the genre. It’s more a movie about child-parent relationships as much as it is about coming-of-age, which always resonates. Funny, entertaining, pretty, and only 90 minutes. Sign me up.
* Fun fact: she’s Jonah Hill’s sister
**Yes, I’m aware that he had to find some stone thing in Temple of Doom, the Dial of Destiny in the Dial of Destiny, and the Crystal Skulls in the Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls. I don’t like those movies as much as I like Raiders and Last Crusade. Sue me.
Crimson Tide (1995)
AKA: Submarines look stressful as hell.
Rewatchable status: Signs point to yes.
How can you not love a submarine movie? I’ve never been on a submarine, don’t plan on being a submarine at any time in my life, or really want to for that matter, but goddamn are they entertaining settings for a movie. It makes sense though, they’re essentially metal tubes full of air that are inescapable when they’re in use. How can a movie not be stressful or tense filled when they’re set in one? Same thing is true for movies set on planes (also metal tubes filled also with air that are also inescapable when they’re in use). Sorry to anyone who is already afraid of flying and just read that sentence.
It really makes you think though.
I’ll always be interested in how movies with similar titles or premises will be released around the same time as each other. This is not the best example of this, but the fact that, in the span of 5 years during the 1990s, there were two submarine movies that had the word red or a synonym for the word red in the title and had vaguely similar plots is hilarious to me (my sense of humor is clearly weird). What’s even better is that both of the movies are awesome. That’s a rare feat when it comes to twin films.
Twin films, for those of you who are unaware, are not movies about twins* but, rather, 2 movies that come out around the same time that have very similar plots or themes. This sometimes happens cause one studios sees that a different studio is making a movie that they think will do well so they try to hop on the wagon themselves, but more often than not (naught?) it happens purely out of coincidence which I think is so funny and so avoidable.
Some other examples of twin films that you may or may not every thought about:
Platoon (1986) and Full Metal Jacket (1987) - both about Vietnam
Dante’s Peak (1997) and Volcano (1997) - both about (you guessed it) Volcanos
Antz (1998) and A Bug’s Life (1998)** - both about animated ants
Deep Impact (1998) and Armageddon (1998) - both about an asteroid destroying Earth
Saving Private Ryan (1998) and The Thin Red Line (1998) - both about WWII
Madagascar (2005)** and The Wild (2006)**** - both about animated animals that escape in New York
The Prestige (2006) and The Illusionist (2006) - both about 19th century magicians (this is so random)
No Strings Attached (2011) and Friends with Benefits (2011) - both about two people who are friends with benefits (but probably end up together in the end)
Olympus Has Fallen (2013) and White House Down (2013) - both (funnily enough but not really funny at all) are about terrorist attacks on the White House (wtf was going on in pitch meetings in 2013?)
That’s just a few of them, but even I was surprised to see how many examples of this there are in movie history when I was doing research. I’m also realizing that this section of the blog makes no sense for Crimson Tide because it’s not technically a twin film since The Hunt for Red October came out 5 years before it. Whatever, now you know more about twin films.
This movie is made by the two lead actors. Without Denzel Washington and Gene Hackman this movie wouldn’t work. Honestly, if either of these guys was out of the movie and the other was in it the movie still wouldn’t work. You need both of these guys at the height of their powers (with Hackman in the later half of his career) to be able to go toe to toe with each other at the climax of the film. The way they continuously ratchet each other up throughout the movie until they reach the breaking point is just appointment viewing.
Also, random note, Gene Hackman is yet another thing that my mom doesn’t like. One of the best actors of the 20th century and she doesn’t like him. Just odd. I think I’ve mentioned that in the blog before but it’s always good to remind everyone. I swear this blog will not be made up entirely of exposes on my mom but unfortunately there is more to come (sorry Mom thank you for reading and being a paid subscriber! ❤️)
Ranking of pop culture boats based on how willing I’d be to take a trip on it:
This was a fun list to make.
The Inferno (The Goonies)
Sink Probability: 0%
This is the most solid ship on this list. The thing stayed fully intact and usable for hundreds of years. An absolute tank and while it may not be the easiest to put in use, it’s earned it’s spot at the top of the ranking.*****
Black Pearl (Pirates of the Caribbean)
Sink Probability: 0%? (It’s a ghost ship)
This one just seems like a cool one to take a trip on. Not the best food options or nicest crew, but we will definitely not be running into any trouble while we’re out.
Woodwind II (Stepbrothers)
Sink Probability: 50% (depends on if someone is driving it or not)
In terms of the vibes of my potential crew alone, this boat would take the 1 or 2 spot in the ranking. However this is not a ranking of vibes, and for that reason the Woodwind II falls in my rankings just a bit.******
Orca (Jaws)
Sink Probability: 100% (with shark) 50% (without shark)
This boat looks like a POS so I’m giving it a 50/50 shot to stay afloat (sans shark). If I’m going with this crew I’d give it a higher ranking on this list. I know for a fact I have worse scar stories than those guys though.
The Flying Dutchman (Spongebob Squarepants)
Sink Probability: 100%? 0%?
I’m so sorry for yet another Spongebob inclusion on the rankings but I can’t help that the show fits so many different boxes.
This one is tough because the boat is already underwater so it’s technically already sunken, but at the same time it flies above Bikini Bottom when in use. Truly an enigma and honestly not something I thought would be breaking my brain at this point, or any point, in my life.
That boat that Spencer buys in iCarly (iCarly)
Sink Probability: 0%
This boat is not in the water so it obviously has no chance of sinking. That being said, I don’t think it’s the safest ship because of what happens to the boat later in the episode. (It gets taken over by a high school baseball team and then bombarded with watermelons).
What a great show.
S.S. Minnow (Gilligan’s Island)
Sink Probability: 100%
This one’s tough cause the Minnow didn’t technically sink but the fact that this group got stranded on an island during a 3 hour tour is a tough look. Also, with all of those guest stars on the show that managed to get off the island it’s an even tougher look for the SS Minnow.
Flying Wasp (Caddyshack)
Sink Probability: 100% (with Al Czervik), 20% (without Al Czervik)
This was one of the first boats I thought of for this ranking. Just a hilarious and clever name for a boat in one of the funniest movies of all time: Caddyshack. I would trust this boat not to sink in normal circumstances, but if I have to be on it with the Smails then I’m jumping overboard and drowning myself.
Red October/Alabama (The Hunt For Red October/Crimson Tide)
Sink Probability: 40%
These depend on whether or not the Cold War is still going on or if we’re in the middle of a nuclear war. Regardless, I’m staying off these submarines.
Titanic (Titanic)
Sink Probability: 100000000000%
Spoiler alert: the Titanic sinks at the end. No thank you.
Honorable Mentions: The submarine from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark, the sailboat that Joey accidentally buys during that auction in Friends
Chance my Dad cries while watching this movie: 14%
Player Comp: The Hunt for Red October (1990) (could there be anything else?), War Games (1983)
No, But Really: Submarine movies are awesome and this is no exception. Denzel and Gene Hackman going toe to toe with each other is a treat and the suspense will keep your eyes glued to the screen the entire time. While there’s not a ton of “action” per se, it is still a thrill ride that will make your heart beat out of your chest. I love a good cold war/potential nuclear war movie.
*God, what a dad joke.
**if I haven’t written about it already, that’s a story for another blog
***The 2nd movie I ever watched in theaters. Winnie the Pooh: The Heffelump Movie was my 1st.
****I remember getting a happy meal toy for this movie. Don’t ask me why I remember that. Hell, we might still have it somewhere in my basement.
*****A great movie fact is that they built this entire boat for the movie and didn’t show any of the actors before the scene when they first enter the cave. Their reactions are genuine and are so awesome.
******Fun fact: the boat from Wedding Crashers is named the Woodwind. Love learning new easter eggs like that.
Vision Quest (1985)
AKA: A love story with a side of wrestling.
Rewatchable status: Cannot predict now (unless I’m watching it with my dad)
Watching this movie was long in the making (idk if that phrase makes sense but that’s what I’m hearing in my head as I type this). I’ll explain. So my family moved into the house we currently live in in 2018 I think. I was a junior in high school so it might have been 2019. Regardless, when we switched houses with my grandparents (it’s a long story) when I was a junior in high school, somehow our TV history came along with us. When I say TV history I mainly mean our DVR history. My Dad loves to record stuff on the DVR because he is like me and enjoys watching movies, especially ones he’s seen before (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree). All the way back in middle school I distinctly remember my dad recording this movie and trying to get the family to watch it. I wrestled at the time so this made a lot of sense. It was also one of his favorites growing up because he was a huge wrestler and, let’s be honest, the sport of wrestling does not get much representation in movies. Anyway, he tries to get us to watch it when I was in middle school. We don’t.
Flash forward to January 2024 and my mom has some event in the middle of the week one night. I ask my dad if he wants to watch a movie. He says yes. I look through my watchlist to find one. Somehow we land on Vision Quest. Purely out of curiosity I go to our DVR, the one we had brought from one house to another and had been in use since I was in middle school. I scroll all the way down past dozens of shows, documentaries, and movies. What do I see at the very bottom, the first recording on the DVR, from all the way back in 2015?
Vision Quest.
I actually laughed out loud.
I would be remiss is I did not describe the viewing experience of this movie that I had with my dad. It was 6 months ago now but I still remember it vividly. As I already mentioned, my dad was a big wrestler back in his day. He was in high school when this movie came out so I figure that a movie about high school wrestling was pretty relatable for him. What I bet he didn’t find relatable is the entire B plot of this movie where Matthew Modine plays the horniest motherfucker of all time trying to get in to Linda Florentino’s pants (she is quite beautiful in this movie I will not lie). Here is a photo for proof:
Louden, I get it.
Real quick, I just have to point out that Matthew Modine’s character in this movie has one of the most ridiculous names of all time: Louden Swain. Hilarious. I digress.
So we start watching this movie about high school wrestling that has surprisingly little high school wrestling in it. There are a few matches mixed in here and there though, especially in the final third. During every match I wish I could have had a side by side view of what was going on onscreen and a screen showing my dad watching the wrestling scenes. I’ve seen my dad get into the movies he’s watching but this was on another level. It was like he was being transported back to his wrestling days. Every movement, every mistake the characters made, every opportunity he saw, he would point out. He was talking to the TV like he was a coach mixed with an announcer trying to tell the characters what they should be doing. Suffice to say that it was an amazing viewing experience. Flash forward to the end of the movie.
The end of the movie is a big final wrestling match that the entire movie has been building to. I will not spoil anything but it’s inspirational as hell. Anyway, the movie ends, the credits start to roll, and I look over to my dad who has tears streaming down his face (he’d been crying for the last 25 minutes of the movie). The very first thing he says to me:
100%.
Gotta respect my guy for looking out for the blog.
Chance my Dad cries while watching this movie: 110% (his words, not mine)
Mount Rushmore of Most Ridiculous/Coolest Sports Character Names:
Louden Swain (Vision Quest)
We’ve already touched on this one.
Nuke Laloosh (Bull Durham)
This is pretty self explanatory, but Nuke Laloosh is so dope. Is it ridiculous? Most definitely yes, but a pitcher named Nuke Laloosh belongs in the major leagues 10/10.
Johnny Utah (Point Break)
Keanu’s character is named Johnny Utah and Patrick Swayze’s character is named Bodhi. These are 2 of the best names for main characters of a movie of all time. Johnny Utah is kind of a cop out pick since he’s a cop and all, but the guy was a star high school quarterback and shows off some skills in the movie so it plays.
Happy Gilmore (Happy Gilmore)
Again, pretty self explanatory. Have you ever met anyone named Happy? Neither have I. Granted, have I ever met someone named Nuke or Louden? Also no, but they’re also on this list. This name just works so well I have to include it, no matter how ridiculous it is.
Player Comp: The Breakfast Club (1985)
No, But Really: I enjoyed this movie a lot, probably more than I would have if I did not watch it with my dad. I thought Matthew Modine gave a great performance as well as Linda Florentino and as 80s sports movies go this was one of the better ones for sure. It doesn’t meet the heights of other coming of age movies of the John Hughes era but for a movie about a niche sport it’s pretty damn impressive what they were able to do with it.
La La Land (2016)
AKA: Finding success in Hollywood is hard (fuck).
Rewatchable status: Yes definitely.
Yeah guys. That’s right. I fucking did it. I graduated from college and I graduated to becoming a film snob. When I was down in Savannah last summer working on a short film (humble brag but also like give me more jobs please), and also when I wrote my first ever blog, the entire crew were people who went to SCAD (Savannah College of Art and Design). I swear to you that 90% of them said that this was their favorite movie of all time. Here’s what I knew about this movie at that time.
My dad loves this movie
My mom and my sister despise this movie
The whole Oscars debacle*
It has Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone in it (both of whom I love)
I honestly don’t know why it took me this long to watch this movie. I think part of it was so that I could just continue to say that I hadn’t seen it when people asked me so I could see their reaction. This was one of those movies that, when I said I hadn’t seen it, people would react like I had just punched them in the face and told them that I hated them. It was as if it was a capital crime that I hadn’t seen this movie.
“But you’re the movie guy! How have you not seen this?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
Do you realize how many movies there are? Do you also know that they’re still making more of them all the time?
I’m getting through them all, trust me. Patience young padawans, I’ll get to your recommendation eventually.
So, anyway, back to La La Land.
I know I’m saying this a lot in this blog, but man, what a movie. It completely lived up to the hype and is one of my favorite movies I’ve watched this year so far. The soundtrack absolutely bangs and this movie starts with legit one of the best and most catchy opening songs of all time.
I gotta take a moment here to shoutout Will Slott.
So, if you were not already aware, I go to see a lot of movies. Since I see a lot of movies and I like to go with my friends sometimes, I volunteer to buy their tickets on Fandango. I do this because it is easier to get people to come with me but also (and this is the actual reason I do this) because I get a $5 reward for every 5 tickets I buy through Fandango that I can use to rent a movie online. For some reason though, a lot of the times I use this $5 to rent a movie that is universally/is on my watchlist and then I don’t watch it and my rental expires after 30 days. I’ve got this thing where I just put off watching absolute classics, probably because they’ve been built up in my head for so long that I don’t want to be disappointed. I think I rented Mad Max: Fury Road 3 separate times before I finally watched it (I’m really dumb sometimes). The same thing happened with La La Land.
I had rented it twice before but had let the rentals expire both times. On my third time, my time was slipping away. It was Tuesday night and my rental expired Wednesday morning so I had one last shot to watch La La Land before I had to rent it a 4th time. I had told my friends earlier that week that I was going to be watching La La Land sometime that week and Slott volunteered right away to watch it with me. We ended up watching it in his house that night (with Frigs and Juice too but they just happened to be there) and I finally saw what everyone was talking about. I immediately starting listening to the soundtrack and added some of the songs to my playlist. That’s not why I want to shoutout Will Slott though. The real reason is for this text I got on a random Monday a couple weeks ago that put me in a positive mood right away:
This is the aforementioned opening song in this movie and a song that will cheer you up if you’re in a bad mood right away. I almost want to make that a guarantee but I haven’t done enough research to make sure.
Anyway, my response to the text?
This movie rocks.
No ranking needed (I also don’t have time).
Chance my Dad cries while watching this movie: 100%
Player Comp: Her (2013), Once (2007), Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011), Lost in Translation (2003)
No, But Really: What a fucking movie. I know this movie gets hyped up as one of the best movies of the 2010s but believe all the hype. I’m legitimately mad that it took me this long to watch it. The soundtrack is crazy good and I listen to it in my free time which is saying something. Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone give amazing performances and their chemistry is up there with some of the best. Damien Chazelle is the young director we need right now. IDK what the hell my mom and sister saw but it can’t be the same movie I saw.
*This was the year that Warren Beatty screwed up and announced La La Land as the winner of Best Picture when it was actually Moonlight. A crazy moment that the Oscars has been chasing ever since because their ratings keep dropping drastically every year.
Back In Theaters
The Iron Claw (2023)
AKA: What’s better than working with your family?
Rewatchable status: Ask again later.
Let me take you back to January. It is right after New Years, I’m still getting blogs out on schedule (almost), and I get my wisdom teeth out. I get them out on Thursday. On Saturday my family leaves to go move my sister in to school leaving me, a man (that feels like a weird thing to describe myself as in this moment) with a puffed up face who can’t eat anything other than mashed potatoes and milkshakes, alone by himself. It was rainy that day so what did I do? Watch Shane Gillis’ stand up special (highly recommend), watch James Acaster’s newest stand up special (also highly recommend), and then watch one of the Jason Bourne movies (a blog on all of those will be coming eventually). I honestly don’t think I did anything else. I couldn’t work out, it was raining and cold outside, and all my friends were at college already. So after spending my day watching things inside I decided to go watch something in a different setting: the movie theater. So I drive my chipmunk, quagmire looking ass to the mall to go see this movie. I think I might have been the only person in the theater (which I love and hate at the same time) and goddamn am I happy I went.
I think I also watched the final Jason Bourne movie when I got home. I was a goddamn loser that day. I just checked my health app and I had less than 3,000 steps on that day. Jesus Christ.
Come on now, let’s be real. It was an awesome Saturday.
*Author’s Note: I’d do a paragraph here about the Von Erich wrestling family but I seriously think this movie is better if you don’t know much or anything about the real life history and just dive right in. I did my research afterwards and I’m really glad I did because the movie shocked me and kept me guessing way more.*
Mount Rushmore of pop culture athlete siblings/families:
The Hanson brothers (Slapshot)
By far the most entertaining entry on this Mount Rushmore. I just rewatched Slapshot last week and let me tell you: it still holds up and is funnier on a rewatch. These three are a huge reason for that and are three players I’d put up against most in a fight. Easy pick.
The Creed family (Rocky/Creed)
When you’ve got World Heavyweight Champions in multiple generations you know you’ve got an all time sports family on your hands. This one is pretty inarguable in my opinion.
Dottie Hinson and Kit Keller (A League of Their Own)
Not gonna lie, Dottie does a lot of the heavy lifting here. I’ve already touched on Kit’s ability (and frankly her overall likability) but you can’t deny that these two sisters were a top notch pitcher-catcher combo.
Scott and Harold Howard (Teen Wolf)
Here’s my thinking with this one.
Scott (played by Michael J. Fox) is an absolute stud at basketball once he goes wolf mode. Legit one of the best performers in basketball history. He must have gotten that game from somewhere right? His dad Harold (also a werewolf type creature) must have been a bucket back in the day as well. If Scott got the wolf genetics he also got the basketball skills.
Lawyered.
Player comp: The Fighter (2010), The Wrestler (2008), Slumdog Millionaire (2008)
Chance my Dad cries while watching this movie: 81%
No, But Really: This movie is sad as hell. You probably would know that coming in like I did but that did not prepare me for what the movie had in store. If I were you I would do my research on the Von Erich family after you watch this movie because I think it will make your experience better. All of the actors who play the brothers give phenomenal performances and Zac Efron’s is particularly gripping. I’ve never really got into WWE, but those early days wrestlers were something else. The matches and stunts are really awesome and the story is almost too insane to be true. This one will probably leave you pretty emotionally drained.
-Fuck Dan Snyder
—Someone please give me a job
—-We’re so fucking back
——Happy 4th of July
——-Put it in reverse Terry!
Pleased to be a part of the best 36 hours of your life.