Issue #59: The Perfect Day
Not one bad decision was made.
Welcome back, everybody!
Just a quick breakdown of the blog for any new readers:
I ramble for a bit and give an update on my life and what I’m thinking about this week
I talk about the movies I watched recently (usually in the last week but I’m still catching up)
I do some rankings, ask some hypothetical questions (ex: what are the chances my dad cries while watching this movie?), and then I give my no frills, no jokes review
We ignore grammar errors here at the blog. Give me a break.
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Happy Friday everybody. I hope everyone had a good week and have awesome plans for this weekend. My current plans are to watch multiple movies, make some good food, and do laundry…so pretty much my ideal weekend.
I’m not gonna dilly dally today. I’m gonna get right into it because:
a. It’s late as hell
b. I have work tomorrow
Yeah, you read that right. Somehow, some way, I got a real-life job out here in LA. In my last blog on Tuesday, I wrote about how I don’t have a job and I’m in between being a real person and a degenerate. A few hours after that blog dropped I got a job offer.
Life is crazy sometimes.
So yeah, I’m fucking myself over for tomorrow right now because it’s 2:30 am (now 3:45 am) and I have to be up at 7:30.
We’ll make it work.
Have you ever had a perfect day? A day where every decision you make is the right one? A day where it’s almost as if the universe is on your side in every situation?
That was the day I had when I was in Chicago a couple weeks ago.
Let’s start at the beginning.
I decided months ago that I was going to visit my friends Chaiken and Slott in Chicago for St. Patrick’s Day. I wasn’t sure if I’d have a job by that time (I didn’t) but it sounded like fun and I know Chicago goes crazy for St. Patrick’s Day so I wanted to see that at least once in my life.
My journey started on Wednesday night (March 12). For some reason, when I booked my flight months ago, I guess I thought I’d have a job by the time I was going to Chicago so I booked a red-eye flight (not my brightest moment but whatever). So I made my way to LAX at 8:30 PM for an 11:30 PM flight.
Flash forward to 5:00 AM Central Time (March 13).
I landed in Midway when it was still dark out. When I landed I texted my friends, asking for directions to their place, but they’re such great friends that they wanted to let me find my own way to their apartment (they were still asleep). So, being the smart adult that I am, I figured out what trains to take from the airport to their apartment (thank god I had their address). After an hour-long train ride with a screaming crackhead homeless on the guy sitting close by, I made it to Chaiken and Slott’s building.
Now, their building has a doorman, and if he doesn't know who you are or if your name isn’t on the list then you can’t get in. Because I had told my friends that I was coming and I had told them what time I was going to be coming I assumed that I would be able to walk in without an issue.
What a fool I was.
Of course, they had forgotten to add my name (great friends right?) so I was stranded in the lobby of their building. After some desperation calls and groggy Slott letting me in, I couldn’t get to the couch any quicker to crash for a few hours.
After my fever dream of a morning, I woke up to find my other jobless friend, Frigs, on the other couch. Let me tell you right now, if Frigs hadn’t been there that weekend my trip would have been exponentially worse. Cause you know what’s 10000x better than being jobless alone?
Having a jobless friend to do fun shit with.
And that’s exactly what we did.
After a prison workout in the gym of the building, we started by crossing off the one thing Frigs hadn’t done in Chicago yet: see the Bean.
Mission accomplished.
Next up was food. After much deliberation, we decided on Portillo’s. Oh, I should say, Frigs has adopted a new way of thinking since quitting his job while he waits to hear back from medical schools. This new way of thinking can be simplified into two words:
No opinion.
It’s pretty self-explanatory. It also makes decision-making impossible for a guy like me who wants to make sure it’s the correct decision and that everyone enjoys themselves. Regardless, Portillo’s was a good choice by me. I tried my first Italian beef (fire) and Frigs and I split one of Portillo’s famous cake shakes.
Except we didn’t split it.
See, while we were in Portillo’s I brought up the idea of splitting a shake. They’re world-famous and it seemed like a crime not to try one. Frigs agreed and I bought the shake. It wasn’t until we were back at Chaiken and Slott’s place and I was actively splitting the milkshake in half to eat (drink?) when he told me he gave up sweets for Lent.
…
The milkshake was delicious and I made sure he knew it.
The rest of the day was a wall of basketball.
Conference tournaments galore all day and we had nothing better to do than watch.
After rotting on the couch watching basketball for a few hours, Slott and Chaiken finally got back from the jail cells they call work which meant they could finally start enjoying themselves (at least, until Friday). I should have mentioned it at the top, but Thursday was also Chaiken’s birthday, so for dinner, we went out and got some bomb-ass tacos. Oh, and Chaiken had two of his high school buddies fly in (Bryce and Mike).
*Author’s Note: I don’t know if any of this is entertaining for you to read, but if you’ve made it this far then I guess I’m doing something right.*
After dinner, the next stop was a bar to have our first Guinessess of the weekend. Is drinking Guinness on St. Patrick’s Day weekend a bit cheesy or corny? If you’re asking that question then I don’t want to be your friend. Of course, it’s overplayed, but when in Rome; do as the Romans do.
Also, Guinness is great 365 days of the year so we weren’t complaining.
While at the bar I learned very quickly that I’m terrible at splitting the G (I’ve always been a can guy myself so I’ve never had the practice). After a couple of pints, we walked back to Slott and Chaiken’s place, yapped it up for a couple hours catching up, and then the people with jobs had to go to sleep so they could wake up for work in the morning (losers).
It was a pretty solid first day, and it wasn’t even close to the day we had on Friday. Friday was a perfect day without a single wrong decision. I’d tell you about it but it’s late and there are some pretty solid movies you get to read about today so I’ll get to it in the next blog (sorry Josh, don’t punch me or kill me).
*Our texts from this morning*
I guess you’ll all just have to come back next week to hear about the rest of the weekend (if you care)!
That’s what you call…a cliffhanger.
Recommendations for the Weekend
In honor of Opening Day being yesterday (and my Orioles mashing 6 home runs and clobbering the Blue Jays) this weekend’s recommendations are baseball movies. Every one of these movies I’m recommending today is an absolute banger and you truly can’t go wrong with any option.
Everybody Wants Some!! (2017)
This is Richard Linklater’s spiritual sequel to Dazed and Confused (24 years later). It’s a blast of a movie set in 1980 about the baseball team at a college during the week of being on campus before classes start. It’s also the first time I saw Glen Powell and Wyatt Russell who have now become big stars. It’s a great hang-out movie and the baseball is pretty damn solid too. This deserves to be seen by more people.
Major League (1989)
This is one of my favorite movies and definitely one of my top sports movies of all time. It’s laugh-out-loud funny and there are iconic moments galore that I’m sure you’ve seen or have reference even if you haven’t seen the movie. Charlie Sheen, Wesley Snipes, Corbin Bernsen, Tom Berenger; you can’t beat it. Also, RIP Bob Uecker.
The Sandlot (1993)
Another all-time classic and a movie I’ve seen at least a dozen times. Show this to your kids if you haven’t already and if you haven’t seen this movie yet I’m gonna need you to stop what you’re doing, pencil this into your calendar for tonight, and watch it. It’ll make you nostalgic for your childhood when you could spend time with your friends all day during the summer. I miss that.
The Natural (1984)
A Robert Redford classic. Baseball is a beautiful game and The Natural is the best example of bringing that pageantry and beauty to the screen. The final scene of this movie is burned into my brain forever. It’s a bit slower than the other movies on this list but might be the best film out of the bunch while still being super entertaining and watchable. Could not recommend it more.
Bull Durham (1988)
A movie that was in the first blog and one I definitely need to revisit sometime soon. Kevin Costner is at his best in this movie and Susan Sarandon is pitching 110 mph in this movie. Funny, heartfelt, and inspiring to the very end.
I made a new website. It’s basically the same as the old Vault, but it’s been given a makeover and the movies and documentaries I watched in 2024 are now available as well. If you check it out please give me suggestions on how I can make it better. And let me know if there are any issues I need to fix.
Check it out here!
Alright, on to the blog.
Movies count for the year: 53
Doc count for the year: 8
Total movies written about on the blog: 265
Movies at Home
Inching ever closer to having no life.
Also, no rankings today because I ran out of time. Apologies.
He’s Just Not That Into You (2009)
AKA: I guess everyone is just a bad person?
Right now it's a toss-up between this and Captain America: Brave New World for my least favorite movie of the year. If that doesn't tell you that this movie is pretty damn bad then I don't know what will.
However little I like this movie, it will always hold a special place in my heart because it will always be the movie I watched when I evacuated during the LA fires. When all of that was going on back in January (yes, I watched this movie in Janurary, we're catching up slowly but surely) I left LA and went to Newport Beach for a few days with some friends (shoutout Adelaide, Sophia, and Ace. there’s no way any of you are reading this but still). It was great to get out of the hellscape that was LA during that time, and we had a pretty awesome few days down in Newport. After a solid Saturday, night rolled around and we were trying to pick a movie. Ever the gentleman, I let the girls pick the movie. Well, to be more accurate, Adelaide picked the movie and somehow landed on this one.
Bad decision on my part.
Let’s break it down:
The Good
Location: It's set in Baltimore, which is a rarity in movies. Lots of Natty Boh and shots of the iconic Domino Sugar sign. Love that.
Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston: For a cast as loaded as this one, you'd think there would be more characters I'd enjoy. Nope, just these two.
The Bad
Pretty much everything else:
Everyone in this movie sucks, is unlikeable, and is frankly, stupid.
The message that everyone is a pretty shitty person and finding love is a total crapshoot and you might die alone is asinine and completely unrealistic
It's way too long
The Ugly
Ginnifer Goodwin: Talk about unlikeable characters, holy shit. Every time her character spoke or did anything in this movie I wanted to yell at the TV for how ridiculous she sounded. This will mean nothing to those of you who haven't seen this movie, but her character alone is a reason for me to never watch this movie again.
On top of all of that, if you don't believe me or refute my opinion on this movie, then how about this?
Out of the 4 people who were awake when the movie started, I was the only one who made it the whole way through. It was an absolute slog and I should've turned it off, but it was almost like a trainwreck that I couldn't tear my eyes away from.
If 75% of the audience is falling asleep during a movie, that's when you know it's bad.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: No but who cares. Also, this would be hard as shit to fit into a script.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 11% (my dad’s a sap)
No, But Really: This movie sucked and I can’t believe it. When you look at the cast of this movie it looks like it can’t fail, but there’s a reason I hadn’t really heard of (or seen) this movie until recently. There are at least 50 other rom-coms I’d choose over this one and I don’t think I’ll ever be watching this again. It’s not all bad (Ben Affleck and Jennifer Aniston are solid and it’s set in Maryland) but every other character in this movie is so hateable. Maybe that’s the point, but it makes for a movie that is unenjoyable to watch. Also, this movie is 2 hr 9 min long but feels like it’s 3.5. So boring.
Prisoners (2013)
AKA: The world is a cold, dark, evil place.
I've been meaning to cross this one off the list for a while now. I came close numerous times, so many times that Prisoners entered a rare and hallowed group of movies over the last couple of years.
I've written about it before, but I've got this problem with renting movies. I get a $5 reward from Fandango for every few movies I see, which is enough to rent one movie on the FandangoNow platform (it’s just on demand with different branding). Whenever I get this $5 I do the same thing. I use it to rent a movie that I've been meaning to cross off my watchlist for a while, I know I have 30 days to watch it so I watch other things instead, and the rental lapses before I pull the trigger to watch it.
I don't know why I do this, but it's happened way too many times for it not to be a pattern or trend. Prisoners was one of these examples for at least a year. I think I rented it upwards of 3 times without watching it because I'm an idiot, but hey, what's new? The other movies in this hallowed group:
Mad Max: Fury Road (one of the best movies of the 2010s)
La La Land (one of the best movies of the 2010s?)
Apocalypse Now (one of the best movies of all time)
Get Out (the best movie of the 2010s?)
Scarface (a tad overhyped in my opinion, but I digress)
Casino (a Scorsese masterpiece that gets overshadowed by Goodfellas for good reason)
I'm sensing some trends here. First, every one of these movies is considered by many, or by all, to be spectacular, must-watch movies. Despite this, I chose not to watch them when I had the chance until much later. Second, I've written about all of these movies on the blog.
One movie that might hold the crown for most times rented without being watched is still on my watchlist despite having rented it 3 times (the first being in 2022):
Braveheart
I'll get to eventually, but for some reason I've just never pulled the trigger.
A couple other things before I move on.
First thing, Denis Villeneuve simply does not miss. I haven't seen all of his films yet, but the ones I have seen (Prisoners, Sicario, Arrival, Blade Runner 2049, Dune 1 & 2) are some of the best and most entertaining movies I've seen that came out this century. Dude rocks.
Second thing, for some reason I always choose to watch the darkest and most depraved movies in my pitch-black room, alone, right before I'm about to go to bed. Is part of the reason I let my rental lapse on Prisoners so many times because I was kind of scared to watch it? I will neither confirm nor deny that, but I will say that I had to have a palette cleanser (HIMYM, It's Always Sunny, New Girl) before going to sleep the night that I finally watched it.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: I think they do it in the form of bible verse or poetry. Great touch and a sneaky way to fit the title into the script.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 25%
No, But Really: Man oh man is this movie dark. What’s so good about this movie is that it is still so damn watchable despite making you feel like absolute shit about humanity as a whole. That is definitely not a great pitch on why you should watch this movie, but it’s hard to make a movie this dark this appealing. Denis Villeneuve doesn’t miss and Hugh Jackman and Jake Gyllenhaal are near the best they’ve ever been. I highly recommend this movie as a fan of movies, but make sure you’ve got something light to cleanse the palette afterward.
Running It Back
Let me take you back to 2024 when I rewatched some movies I'd already seen before.
I swear I didn't mean to make that rhyme.
National Treasure (2004)
AKA: Nicolas Cage goes treasure hunting.
They should have made 10 of these movies. For all of the franchise movies we get nowadays, I much rather would have taken 10 movies about Nicolas Cage searching for history-related treasures over most of the franchises that have somehow survived over the years. I can't describe to you how awesome this movie is in words. It's completely ridiculous, over-the-top, and hammy, but I could watch it over and over again and never get sick of it.
It all boils down to the treasure hunt/mystery/history plot of this movie. I don't think there's been a movie with a plot related to those three things that I haven't liked. Hell, it's one of the many reasons Indiana Jones is one of my favorite franchises. Like, I don't know if you're aware of this, but Nicolas Cage steals the Declaration of Independence in this movie.
Let me say that again.
Nicolas Cage steals the DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE in this movie. How can you think that's not awesome? The thing with this movie is that it hits on all of my sweet spots:
Heist
Mystery
Adventure/Action
History
Those are obviously not the only things I'm looking for in a movie, but for a movie like this, it's hard to mess up when you cross off those 4 boxes. What puts it over the top for me is the historical aspect. Tying in real historical figures, places, events, objects, etc. is such an unbelievably cool conceit to me. That's definitely the history nerd in me speaking, but if you can't appreciate the history of your country then I don't know what you're doing.
This is also why I don't understand why there weren't at least 5 of these movies. Do you understand how much history there is to choose from? Literally everything before right now is history. Quite literally endless possibilities to choose from. Now let me get ahead of your first refute. I'm aware that these movies (they made 2 National Treasure movies and 1 garbage TV show) are almost entirely United States/North America-focused. Again, I ask you: do you realize how much history there is to choose from? The first British colony was established in Jamestown in 1607 (no research needed on that one). That gives you at least 418 years of history to choose from.
Noy you may be saying, "They probably didn't make any more because they didn't make any money," Well, if you're saying that then I'm here to inform you that you could not be more wrong.
National Treasure (2004): $347 million at the box office
National Treasure: Book of Secrets (2007): $459 million
The second one made more than $100 million more than the first! If we're gonna be making sequels to everything, why didn't we make sequels to stuff that people actually liked and wanted? Leave the classics alone, don't make live-action remakes, and just make sequels to fun popcorn movies like National Treasure.
It's not that complicated.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: I don’t think they do but if they did I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 2%
No, But Really: This movie fucking rocks. I know it’s not “high cinema” or whatever, but can you name me another movie where Nicolas Cage steals the damn Declaration of Indendepence to find a lost treasure from the Knights of Templar? I could watch this movie 100 times and still find it exciting and fun. Plus, for a history nerd like me, all of the cool history facts they slip in between all of the nonsense is a fantastic touch. This is a super fun watch for people of any age and certainly a great family movie night pick.
Franchise Mode
The 3rd, final, and best(?) installment of the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise. Finishing this franchise out with a bang.
Vote here for which franchise you want me to do next (let’s see if we can get more than 2 total votes!)
Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (2024)
AKA: Jim Carrey came out of retirement for this movie.
*Author’s Note: I meant to write 300-400 words max for each entry today. I ended up writing 800 words about Sonic the Hedgehog 3. You never know what you’re gonna get with these things.*
We've made it to the promised land. After reading about Sonic the Hedgehog and Sonic the Hedgehog 2 in the last two blogs we've arrived at the movie you were all waiting for:
Sonic the Hedgehog 3
Fittingly, there are 3 things I want to talk about concerning this movie. Let's get into it.
1. In 2022, after the release of Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Jim Carrey retired from acting. He said, "I have enough. I've done enough. I am enough." All three of these things are true and if the guy wants to retire he wants to retire. But wait, you might be thinking to yourself, I thought Jim Carrey was in this movie! Well, if you thought that then you'd be correct. Despite retiring from acting 3 years ago, he came back to play Dr. Robotnik yet again. But what made him come back? Let's consult that same interview I got that quote from earlier:
“It depends. If the angels bring some sort of script that’s written in gold ink that says to me that it’s going to be really important for people to see, I might continue down the road, but I’m taking a break.”
Now, I wouldn't necessarily say that the Sonic the Hedgehog 3 script is written in gold, but I'll tell you what is; the $12 million he got paid to be in this movie. Go get that bag Jim, I don't blame you for coming out of retirement. Also, when asked about why he came back he said, "You know, it's just—I bought a lot of stuff, and I need the money, frankly."
Amen brother, amen.
2. The Sonic the Hedgehog franchise is truly a unicorn. I'd like you to think through all of the video game film adaptations you can think of. How many good movies can you think of? Matter of fact, how many okay movies can you think of? Not too many, huh? Here's what I found/thought of:
Detective Pikachu, The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Wreck-It Ralph
That's 2 pretty solid movies and 1 genuinely great movie. AND THE GREAT MOVIE ISN'T EVEN BASED ON A REAL VIDEO GAME! For some reason, adapting video games has failed time and time again, which is what makes the Sonic the Hedgehog movie franchise such a unicorn. Making one successful video game adaptation is hard, making 3 (with the 3rd being the best one) is nearly impossible. These movies aren't groundbreaking or great films per se, but they're a hell of a lot of fun and I'll see the 4th when it inevitably comes out in 2 years.
3. This is what I wanted to talk about the most. If there's one thing that irks me more than anything else, it's when movies make mistakes that are so easily fixable. Sonic the Hedgehog 3 takes place in 2024. However, (spoiler alert) large sections of the movie take place in flashbacks from 50 years ago, the year 1974. During one of these flashbacks, a song plays. That song is the Traveling Wilburys smash hit, “End of the Line”. Here’s the issue with that.
As we all know, the Traveling Wilburys, one of the best supergroups of all time that consisted of George Harrison, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Jeff Lynne, and Roy Orbison, was formed in 1988 (this assemblage of talent is ridiculous it’s hard to believe it). I know I don't need to be telling you guys this because you're smart and already know, but for those who don't know I want to make sure they're included in this conversation.
So the flashback, which is set in 1974, has a song that came out in 1988 playing over it. This is bad already, but what made it worse was that the song started when one of the characters puts a record on a record player, and “End of the Line” plays out of the speaker. To say I was livid is an understatement. I was looking to my left and right, confident that I wouldn't be alone in my disgust and dismay, but, alas, I seemed to be the only one who noticed this error.
Stuff like this happens all the time, and I know it doesn't get caught by most people, but goddamn it takes me right out of the movie. The most annoying thing about it is that it is so easy to fix. Any music supervisor worth their salt should know that “End of the Line” by the Traveling Wilburys came out in 1988. If you need a song to convey that same tone, just use something like “Waterloo” (ABBA) or “Rebel, Rebel,” (David Bowie). They both came out in 1974 and they're both popular songs that people know (which is what the studio cares about the most at the end of the day). Those two songs took me 5 minutes to find as possibilities.
It's such an easy problem to avoid.
Ranking of Sonic the Hedgehog Movies:
Sonic the Hedgehog 3
It doesn’t happen often, but this franchise has gotten better the more movies they do. The addition of Keanu Reeves as Shadow is a huge factor in this.
Sonic the Hedgehog
A very pleasant surprise and a great start to a universe that has expanded tremendously since.
Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Still not a bad movie, just a step below the first. Idris Elba’s Knuckles is a great character and gets better in the 3rd movie though.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Another sequel, another movie without the title in the script.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 0%
No, But Really: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but somehow, someway, the Sonic movies get better as the trilogy goes on. Shadow is a great addition to the franchise, and while all three of the movies follow veryyy similar plots/arcs, they all work somehow. The movies are better when the Sonic characters are the main focus, and this movie leans into that the most of the three so far. All three of these movies are empty-calorie movies, but this one gets as close to being a substantial movie out of the three. I hate to say it, but this is how you do a franchise in the age of IP.
-The Orioles are undefeated
—Ovechkin is 6 goals away from the record
—-Life is good
——Mr. March
———I get to see my friends soon
