Issue #67: You'll Never Believe What Yellowstone Means in French...
The answer may shock you!
Welcome back, everybody!
Just a quick breakdown of the blog for any new readers:
I ramble for a bit and give an update on my life and what I’m thinking about this week
I talk about the movies I watched recently (usually in the last week, but I’m still catching up)
I do some rankings, ask some hypothetical questions (ex: what are the chances my dad cries while watching this movie?), and then I give my no-frills, no-jokes review
We ignore grammar errors here at the blog. Give me a break.
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What’s up, everyone? I hope your week is going well, and I’m proud of you all for making it to Friday. To all of my recent college graduates, current students, and retirees (I’ve got a real age-diverse reader base), enjoy your free time and the summer weather while it lasts (some of you have more time than others). This is the first year of my life without a summer, and it sucks. Granted, it’s felt like summer living in LA for 98% that I’ve been here, but working in June when it’s 75 and sunny outside is a scam if I’ve ever seen one.
In last week’s blog (I told you there wasn’t much of a chance of me getting a 2nd one out last week), I ended the intro with my day in Yellowstone over Memorial Day weekend. Today, the story continues with my day in Grand Teton National Park.
If you want to catch up by reading last week’s blog, you can do that here.
Ok, now that you’re caught up, let’s continue the weekend (that happened 3 weeks ago now)
Sunday, May 25th
I woke up on Sunday feeling fantastic after my feast from the night before (editor’s note: he didn’t actually feel fantastic, he’s just putting on a brave face for you all). The first agenda item for the day was checking out of my motel. Once my car was packed and my key card was returned to the unmanned front desk (classic Super 8), I made my way to one of the most popular hikes in Livingston, MT: Pine Creek Falls.
25 minutes later and I was hiking through a forest. An hour and one podcast about Rihanna’s “Umbrella” later (shoutout 60 Songs That Explain the 90s: the 2000s), and I was sitting at the top of some waterfalls. I felt like the only person in the entire world up there, and as I ate my banana and Trader Joe’s Simply Nutty Bar (great snack), I couldn’t imagine feeling more content.
Halfway down, I ran into a family I’d met briefly in the parking area. They were from the area and gave me some great recommendations, so if any of you are ever in the Livingston, MT area…hit me up cause I’ve got the insider information.
I had a few more hours to kill before my parents and sister got into Bozeman, so I made a pit stop at a park in Bozeman and ate lunch there. Lunch consisted of the 2nd half of the sandwich I’d started in Yellowstone the day before, baby carrots, and Skinny Pop. You know, earlier when I said that I can’t imagine being more content than I was when I was at the top of that waterfall? Well, being in a sunny park, sitting up against a tree, eating lunch while people-watching, has a very strong case. After lunch and a little nap, it was time to go to the airport.
I returned my rental car and spent the last hour before my family got in downloading a movie for the upcoming drive (can never leave home without one). Once my family got in and greeting/hugs were exchanged, we waited in line for 45 minutes to get a new rental car. Why did we not just use the car I used to save some time, you might ask? I don’t know, I was just happy to be there. When my Mom is the mastermind behind a trip, I hop in the backseat and go along for the ride. Luckily for me, we had a ride coming up, a 4-hour drive from Bozeman, MT, to Driggs, ID, to be exact. Flash forward 4 hours, and we’d caught up, I’d run them through my day in Yellowstone, and I had watched Broadcast News (great movie that I’ll be discussing here sometime in the calendar year).
The rest of the day consisted of us finding our Airbnb, meeting up with my Aunt, Uncle, and cousins (hi guys), and grabbing dinner at a local brewery. Outside of the waitress forgetting to ask for my order (hate it when that happens), the rest of the day went off without a hitch. Thankfully, everyone was exhausted and was able to go to bed relatively early, because we had a 4:30 am wake-up facing us in the morning.
Monday, May 26th
My eyes were closed for 5 minutes before my alarm went off, followed very quickly by my dad slamming on my bedroom door, asking if I was awake (thanks, pops). In a daze, I packed all of my things and got dressed for the day, since I was going straight to the airport after we’d toured through the park that day. We then loaded up into our cars, some of us more groggy than others (hand up), and made the drive from Driggs to the Grand Tetons.
Let me tell you, it doesn’t matter how half-asleep you are, I assure you that if you ever get a chance to see the sun rise over the Tetons, you won’t forget it. It was like 6 shots of caffeine straight to the dome. Truly spectacular, and photos can never do it justice (which is why I didn’t put one in here, also, because I didn’t take any).
Eventually, we’d reached our destination and met up with our tour guide for the day.
**Editor’s Note: I wrote everything in this blog on Tuesday and wrote the intro up until this point on Wednesday. I was going to publish it last night, but I couldn't, for the life of me, remember our tour guide’s name. In the off, off chance that you are reading this, I’m sorry, my man. I meant to ask my Mom today, and I forgot to ask until 10:00 East Coast Time. Whoops. Going forward, we’ll be calling gonna him Ryan.**
**Editor’s Note Update: His name was Jeff! He shall be called Ryan no more.**
Ryan Jeff was the absolute man. Snacks, water, binoculars, you name it, he had it. We also bonded over a love for movies (a specialty of mine). He pretty much has my dream life: 6 months giving tours in Yellowstone and Grand Teton, 6 months living in San Diego. I don’t know about you guys, but that sounds like the best time ever.
Our main goal for the day were simple:
See as many different animals as possible.
We started off by seeing some big-horned sheep doing what they do best: climbing up and down rock faces. The males were also butting heads and trying to impress the ladies (it is mating season after all).
Great action shot, Uncle Adam. Nature is so beautiful.
Next up was our hunt for the elusive moose. It took us a little while, and at the end of the day, it wasn’t our eagle eyes or binoculars that found it. No, we found the moose in the same way most people find animals in national parks like Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons: follow the crowds. Specifically, follow the people who have those long ass cameras. Wherever they go, there’s probably a cool animal somewhere close.
After finding our first moose, our next elusive find was a bathroom. It was still early, so the welcome lodges weren’t open yet, so, again, it took us a while, but we did manage to find a bathroom before anyone pulled an Ernie from Billy Madison (Miles Davis is pretty damn cool).
After our bathroom stop and after crossing moose and big-horned sheep off the list, the next animal we tried to find was the elusive bear. I’d come up bare (get it?) the day prior, so I was hoping I’d get to see one before I headed back to LA. Definitely not a must or #1 on my priority sheet for the day, but if there’s a chance I get to see a bear, I want to see the bear.
Our tour took us all over the park. We got spectacular views from viewpoints (they really lived up to their names), saw a couple more moose, and met the famed Elk of the Grand Tetons named Fabio.
Fabio eventually had to get scared off by the park rangers because he was getting too close to humans, but it was really the other way around. Watching stupid people creep closer and closer to wild animals to get pictures is one of the funniest and infuriating things of all time. Part of me wanted Fabio to do something to spook these people (not hurt them or anything, what do you think I am? A monster?), but he was too much of a chiller and let the dumb tourists keep getting closer until the rangers had had enough.
Eventually, lunchtime was upon us. We stopped by the lake and had a delightful lunch of cold cuts and fruit by the water.
After that quick pit stop, we were back on the hunt for a bear. Instead of a bear, we first found some bison and a coyote. I know bison can gouge and kill you and everything, but man, are they adorable. They just look like giant stuffed animals, and all you want to do is give one a hug (or maybe that’s just me).
As our time was winding down, we made one last-ditch effort to find a bear. As we made a turn by the river, we thought we’d hit the jackpot. A traffic jam dozens of cars long, people scattered on the street, and most importantly, the long-ass camera people were all scampering to set up their camera pointed towards the woods.
We hopped out of the van and got the scoop: a black bear had been hanging out by the side of the road just a few minutes before. Now he (or she) was in the woods somewhere, and everyone was trying to find him. I thought, for a second, that I caught a glimpse of his backside, but other than the mission was a failure. Just like how you can’t count being to a place just because you’ve been in the airport, I can’t count that I saw a bear at Grand Tetons purely because I might have seen the butt of one.
Our tour ended at the same place we’d started. It had been 8 hours, and we’d seen our fair share of critters and learned a bunch. I don’t remember everything we learned during our time at the Grand Tetons, probably because my lack of sleep was catching up with me and I dozed off a couple times, but here are a few things I do remember:
Female moose have a white heart on their butt that distinguish them from males
They’re bison, not buffalo (common misconception)
A guy named Beaver Dick Leigh (legal name) was the the guide for one of the first expeditions through the Tetons back in 1872
Grand Teton means ‘Large Breast’ in French
Yellowstone means ‘Large Penis’ in French
Ok, ok, that last one I made up.
Now that our tour was complete, I had a few hours before I had to fly back to Los Angeles. The first thing we did was go find the giant troll by the river (no explanation needed, I don’t think).
Then, for the rest of the afternoon, we spent our time in Jackson Hole. Eventually, after walking around the town and taste testing a flight of craft beers, it was time for me to say bye to my family and head to the Jackson Hole airport (huge thanks to AOK for documenting my farewell. I’ll get these framed for sure).
The Jackson Hole airport is tiny, so getting through security took quite literally 10 seconds. Unfortunately for me, my flight was delayed, so I had some time to wait before we made the flight to Salt Lake City. Yes, I had a connecting flight that, as the minutes ticked by, seemed more and more likely to take off without me on it. Thankfully, our flight managed to take off, and when we landed in SLC, my flight to LA had only started boarding 10 minutes prior. This meant I had to do one of the things I despise doing when deboarding a plane: getting up and trying to get off the plane first, even though I was near the back. Granted, this is totally allowed if you have a flight to catch, but when people do this for no reason, I normally treat them like they’re the scum of the earth (is that too harsh?).
I was not alone in my quest. A good number of us on the plane were headed to LA, and as we barged our way off the plane, we all started sprinting through the Salt Lake City airport to make our flight. We all made it in time (or at least I did, I don’t know about everyone else), and we managed to make it back to LA in one piece.
I didn’t get back to my apartment until close to midnight, and I was exhausted from the weekend, but how could I complain? I was lucky enough to see Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons, see my family, and all in all, I had a great time. My only regret?
Not seeing any bears.
The next day, when my family was in Yellowstone?
They saw 19 of them.
Bastards hid from me.
Flag Rankings
If you need to remind yourself of the rankings so far, check them out here:
100% Accurate Official Flag Rankings
PSA before we start: Hand up, I fucked up by putting the Wisconsin flag at #44.
It should definitely be higher in the rankings, but I’ve locked myself in at this point, so at 44 it shall stay. Let’s be real, it’s only the top 25 that matter anyway.
Today, we’ll be continuing the discussion around blue flags with seals on them. AKA: boring ass flags.
#43. Nebraska
This flag sucks and there’s a chance I should’ve ranked it lower. Like all of these flags with seals on them (the badge thing, not the animal), you have to zoom in zzto tell what the hell is even going on. That’s a sign of a terrible flag. If you can’t see the guy using an anvil in the foreground, the tiny steamboat in the midground, and the even tinier train in the background from a distance, then what’s the point of having it on your flag?! This is making me angry. Nebraska: You’re lucky you got as high as #43.
#42. New Hampshire
Another seal, another boring flag. Sure, the boat is kind of cool, but if you see this from 100 yards away hanging from a flag pole, you’ll have no idea what you’re looking at. Does the boat have anything to do with New Hampshire? Turns out it’s called the USS Raleigh, and it was one of the 13 ships commissioned in 1776 to start the US Navy. That’s actually pretty cool. It also doesn’t belong on a flag.
NEXT.
#41. Idaho
I’m sensing a trend here. Blue flag, seal in the middle, and all in all, way too much going on. In case you can’t see it all, we’ve got some cornucopia, a lady who represents liberty on the left, a miner on the right, a mini seal in the middle with some farmland on it, and a deer head on top of that. Too much stuff and again, boring. The perfect Idaho flag in my eyes? Just put a potato in the middle with a plain background (the color is up to you, great people of Idaho). Get rid of the seal, do something different.
I made a new website. It’s basically the same as the old Vault, but it’s been given a makeover, and the movies and documentaries I watched in 2024 are now available as well. If you check it out, please give me suggestions on how I can make it better. And let me know if there are any issues I need to fix.
Check it out here!
Alright, on to the blog.
Movies count for the year: 82
Doc count for the year: 9
Total movie count on the blog: 304
Keeping Movie Theaters Alive
If I convince one singular person to go see a movie in theaters, I can die a happy man.
The Phoenecian Scheme (2025)
AKA: A Wes Anderson crime(?) film.
If you've been reading the blog for a while, you know how I feel about Wes Anderson. Hell, I wrote about one of his movies in the very first blog I wrote. I've written about four of his films before this one (Bottle Rocket, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, Moonrise Kingdom, Asteroid City), and I've now watched every single one of his feature-length films (except for the one he put out on Netflix last year. That'll be watched sometime in 2025, I'm sure). What can I say? I love his movies and his style. He's not for everyone, but for the people he is for, he's one of the best filmmakers we've got right now.
I really enjoyed this movie, but I almost hated it, and I feel that I may have PTSD if I ever watch it again. Allow me to explain in (hopefully) as few words as possible. I saw this on opening night in a sold-out theater. You can imagine the crowd at a Wes Anderson opening night.
Spoiler alert: We weren't exactly the 'coolest' crowd of all time.
Regardless, the movie started, and everyone was loving it from the very first scene. Then I heard it. You know, in Dumb and Dumber, when Lloyd asks that guy Harry if he wants to hear the most annoying sound in the world?
The laugh of the guy sitting next to me was worse than that.
I've seen a lot of movies in theaters, and I've sat next to some annoying people. This guy grabbed the gold ring, and I don't see him letting go of it anytime soon. I mean, it was almost like he was messing with the rest of us. The guys in front of me turned around multiple times during the movie in disbelief. There were moments during the movie where he was the only person laughing in the theater, and you would've thought that the best stand-up comic was up front slaying an entire crowd. That's how loud this guy's laugh was. I couldn't believe it. To the guy I'm talking about, if you're reading this (you're not, but let's pretend you are): Laugh all you want during a movie. But when your laugh pops off like a machine gun and is just as loud...maybe try to keep some of those to yourself. I don't say this lightly, but I'd rather have you commit the cardinal sin and have you be on your phone the entire time.
I'm glad you liked the movie, though.
Ranking of Wes Anderson Dads based on how well they raised their children:
A common thread between Wes Anderson’s films is father figures, or the lack of father figures. It’s just a hunch, but I think the guy might have some daddy issues.
Mr. Fox (Fantastic Mr. Fox)
The best dad in Wes Anderson movies, and even he has some work to do. Only a good dad would bring his son along with him to steal chickens, geese, and cider from Boggis, Bunce, and Bean.
Augie Steenbeck (Asteroid City)
Sure, he’s an actor playing a father in this play-inside-a-tv-show-inside-a-movie, but he’s a pretty good dad all the same.
Royal Tenenbaum (The Royal Tenenbaums)
Not a great dad, but his kids were all very successful (albeit mentally and emotionally stunted). At least he’s a good grandfather.
Steve Zissou (The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou)
Absentee dad, but in the time he has with his son, he spends it well (even if it doesn’t turn out great in the end). Plus, he's got a cool hat.
Zsa-Zsa Korda (The Phoenician Scheme)
3 wives, 9 sons, 1 daughter, and a whole lot of bad parenting. He takes the cake as the worst dad on this list.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Couldn’t believe how many times they did.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 0%
No, But Really: This movie is a ton of fun. Compared to Anderson’s last two films (French Dispatch and Asteroid City), it’s so much more straightforward, and I think people who may have been turned off by Wes Anderson in the past can really enjoy this one a bit more. I was laughing a ton, and every performance is top notch, per usual (especially Michael Cera and Benicio del Toro’s). I don’t know what else to say. It’s a Wes Anderson movie, so you know what you’re getting yourself into. I think this one is a lot more accessible and, as with all of Anderson’s films, totally worth the watch.
Seeing Older Movies in Theaters
I’ve been doing this a lot since I moved to LA. Seeing a movie on the big screen is truly the best way to do it, so when I have a chance to see a movie I love or to see a movie I’ve been meaning to watch in a theater, I’m taking that chance 100/100.
Today, we’ve got a movie that was in theaters for one day in preparation for a sequel coming out this month, a movie showing in theaters for its 10th anniversary that was ripe for a rewatch, and a concert film that was rereleased for its 40th anniversary.
Let’s get on with the show.
28 Days Later (2002)
AKA: The zombies can run now?
This was showing for one night only at the theater near my apartment the other day, so naturally I had to go see it. This was for a couple reasons:
1. I know this movie is good, and I've been meaning to watch it for some time
2. 28 Years Later comes out soon, and I need to catch up on the first two films before I can go see it
Killing 2 birds with 1 stone is always nice, so seeing this movie is how I spent my Wednesday night.
The collection of talent in this movie is almost unbelievable. You've got Danny Boyle directing (Academy Award winner), Alex Garland writing (Oscar nominee and one of the best writer/directors of the last 25 years), and Cillian Murphy as the lead (Academy Award winner and crazy to see him so young in this). That doesn't even mention the supporting performances by Brandon Gleeson (Oscar nominee), Naomie Harris (Oscar Nominee), and Christopher Eccleston (the 9th Doctor Who). It's a murderer's row of British and Irish talent. Tough beat for Christopher Eccleston, though. Dude’s gotta get himself an Oscar nom to match up.
I'm not sure how I'd do in a zombie apocalypse.
I'm pretty resourceful and I can work with my hands, etc. But would I be able to shoot a zombie that used to be a person, or bash them in the skull with a baseball bat? I'm sure that if they were coming at me and trying to eat my brains, I'd be a bit more motivated, but how can you know until you're faced with it? My biggest problem at the moment is that if a zombie apocalypse happens, I might be in the worst city in the US to be stuck in during one.
Being in any big city has got to be the worst place to be, as everything spreads, as is evidenced by...literally every single zombie movie of all time. Combine that with the fact that our traffic is already bad without a zombie outbreak, and I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to try and drive out of LA during one. But if I can get out? Hell, I've been on a couple road trips before, what's one more? I'd make my way East towards my family (hopefully they’d manage to still be alive) and then we’d figure out next steps. I think Sherwood Forest (my neighborhood back home) wouldn't be the worst place to be stuck during a zombie apocalypse.
But let's be real. I'm probably dying on the first day. I'll be walking to work, headphones in, listening to a podcast, and one of two things will happen:
1. A zombie will come up from behind and get me without me even realizing or having time to react because I didn't hear it.
2. The homeless guy-turned-zombie (sorry, unhoused guy-turned-zombie) who I see sleeping in the middle of the sidewalk every day will hear me coming, wake up, and bite my ankles as I walk by him.
That would have to be the worst way to go.
Right in front of a Taco Bell, too.
Mount Rushmore of COD Zombies Maps:
This ranking doesn’t mean anything to most of you, but for those of you who know, let me know how I did.
Origins (BO2)
Buried (BO2)
Kino der Toten (BO1)
Mob of the Dead (BO2)
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Not exactly, no.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 2%
No, But Really: I wasn’t really sure what to expect with this movie, and I’d say that I was pleasantly surprised. The editing in this movie is so frenetic, and the filmmaking style feels so guerrilla, that it’s intoxicating. The style of Danny Boyle, especially early Danny Boyle, is very unique, and when you pair that with a story by Alex Garland and a lead performer in Cillian Murphy, it’s almost unfathomable that they were all involved in this project. The singular drawback from this movie that I can think of is the running zombies being such an innovation. Nowadays, that’s very common, but it all stemmed from this movie, which is pretty freaking cool. This is an instant classic for the zombie movie genre and is a must-watch for any fans of those types of movies.
Interstellar (2014)
AKA: Matthew McConaughey goes to space.
This is a big one. This is a big one, because I know about 95% of the guys my age reading this have Interstellar in their top movies of all time, because, of course they do. I don't want to let you guys down, but I gotta say right off the bat, I don't even think this is a top 4-5 Christopher Nolan movie, much less an all-time movie. Granted, that's a very high bar to clear, and to be clear, I think this movie is spectacular, but there's better stuff out there. I'm sorry to everyone who just shut their computers, turned off their phones, shook their heads, made an ugly face, or went to text me that I was wrong right away; this is my opinion, and I'm sticking to it.
I saw this in IMAX for Interstellar's 10th anniversary. And I was not the only one. The 10th anniversary rerelease did great at the box office, and I think that's fantastic. I saw this movie in theaters for a multitude of reasons, but primarily because I had to redeem myself for the first time I saw this movie. Allow me to take you back to the spring of 2022.
I was on a plane from North Carolina to Guatemala. Or maybe it was a plane from Miami to Guatemala. Regardless, I was on a plane headed to Guatemala for Spring Break. One of my buddies from my fraternity (hi Fernando) lives there and organized a trip for a group of sophomores and juniors down there. So I'm on this plane, and I do what I always do when I'm on a plane: watch a movie. I had rented Interstellar on my computer for the flight, so I locked in and watched it. Couple of issues with this. First, the flight was only 2 hours (the movie is 2 hours and 50 minutes). Second, if you watch a movie like Interstellar on a plane for the first time, you deserve to go to prison. You're reading the words of a fugitive right now. Third, it's kind of hard to lock in on a flight when you've got your friends all over the plane. I did my best on the flight and had less than an hour to go once we landed in Guatemala. After deboarding, going through customs, etc., the 20+ of us were on a bus headed to our first destination.
The entire time since coming off the plane, I'd had people asking me what I thought about Interstellar, excited to go over it with me, but I had to tell them to shut up because I hadn't finished it yet. Thankfully, we had a 2-hour drive to our destination, which meant I had plenty of time to finish Interstellar. Let me tell you, if you think it's hard to lock into a movie on a flight that has your friends scattered throughout, I can assure you that trying to lock in on a movie on a bus that is made up entirely of your friends is way harder. Not to mention, this particular bus is stocked with cold beer and snacks that your friends are all enjoying while Spanish music is blasted throughout.
Safe to say that it was not the finest viewing experience. I have no one to blame but myself for even thinking it was a good idea to watch Interstellar on a computer for the first time. I apologize to Christopher Nolan, Matthew McConaughey, Jessica Chastain, and everyone else involved in the making of the film. I redeemed myself back in November, and I'll never watch Interstellar (or any other movie of the ilk) on a small screen again.
Ranking of the 4 Nolan movies ahead of Interstellar:
Sorry, not sorry. I’m right about this.
The Dark Knight
Oppenheimer (probably should be #1)
Dunkirk
The Prestige
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: I don’t believe so. Kinda lame.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 94%
No, But Really: A lot of people my age will tell you that this is a top 5-10 movie of all time. I don’t agree with this take, but that shouldn’t take anything away from this film. Make sure to watch this on the absolute biggest screen you can, because it is breathtaking. While the plot is completely insane, caring about it goes out the window because you’re too focused on how great the movie looks. Nolan is one of the best, and while his high theory plots can be overkill at times, he knows what he’s doing. McConaughey gives one of his finest performances in this movie, and the third act is completely devastating. Everyone should watch this at least once in their lives.
Stop Making Sense (1984)
AKA: Big jacket.
Live music is the best. I've written that before in past blogs, and I'm sure I'll write it in future blogs. But what if you were born after a band you really like is done touring? Enter:
The concert film.
I saw this film, Stop Making Sense, on a random weekday 8 months ago in October 2024. They were showing it in theaters for the 40th anniversary of the original release, and since this is considered the best concert film of all time (and because I like The Talking Heads), I decided to go. Also, I didn't have a job at the time, so why not? I should also mention that A24 helped with the rerelease of this movie. They worked to restore it to a very high quality, and let me tell you, it looks and sounds amazing. I'm sure it helped that the director was the same guy who directed Silence of the Lambs and Philadelphia, but who am I to say?
Was I the youngest person in the audience for this movie? Sure. Does that change the fact that seeing this movie in theaters felt like a party? No, and I was loving it. No one was outright dancing in my theaters, but everyone was grooving and jamming to the music in their seats. It felt like we were all actually there seeing The Talking Heads in person, and that is a truly intoxicating feeling.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think this was the first concert film I've ever seen? At the very least, it was certainly the first one I've seen in theaters, and going forward, that's how I want to see all of them. The Talking Heads are/were a weird group, but man, did they rock. And I can't leave here without mentioning David Byrne’s big jacket. It's one of those things that preceded the movie for me, and when he came out on stage wearing it, it made my day. This was also the beginning of a surprising number of music-based films I saw in theaters. We'll be reading about a couple more in the coming weeks.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: It’s a lyric in one of their songs (Girlfriend Is Better), so you bet they do.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 1%
No, But Really: Jonathan Demme being the director of this movie is insane. If you have the option, please, for the love of god, watch the A24 restored version, because oh my god it looks and sounds amazing. I’m a Talking Heads fan, so I was in the right place, but even if you don’t like them, I think you can find something to enjoy from this, even if it’s purely from a filmmaking and showmaking performance. It’s considered the best concert film of all time for a reason, and watching this in a theater was a party-like experience.
Franchise Mode
Tom Cruise and the Quest for the Perfect Stunt 5.0
You can catch up by reading about:
And read about the newest ones here:
Today’s Stunt?
Hanging off the side of a cargo plane as it takes off. Oh, also holding his breath underwater for 6 minutes. What an absolute psychopath.
Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015)
AKA: This guy will really do anything won’t he?
With this blog, we've finally reached the end of the Mission: Impossible experience here in Franchise Mode. Thankfully, we get the pleasure of ending on an absolute banger of a movie. It's the first one in the franchise directed by Christopher McQuarrie (who has become one of the 2 directors Tom Cruise seems willing to work with), and features some unbelievable stunts and action. In other words, it follows the same pattern as most other Mission: Impossible movies, and we're all eternally grateful.
I wasn't sure what I was going to talk about today. What I did know is that I needed to talk about something that would make this a fitting end to our discussion of the Mission: Impossible franchise. So I landed on figuring out where it happened. Where did Tom Cruise become a guy obsessed with being an action star who does his own stunts? Let's do a deep dive, starting with the first movie of his I've seen:
The Outsiders (1983): No stunts outside of some brawls with other local Tulsa gangs. Outsiders. Great book, 7th grade English. I distinctly remember that we were reading it when Odell Beckham Jr. had his famous catch. We were in trailers that year because the middle school was being rebuilt, and when I walked into Mr. Christie’s English class that day (GOAT teacher), you could feel the energy in the room. At this point, every guy in class was playing fantasy football and Madden Mobile (best mobile game ever), and everyone had seen the catch the night before. What can I say? It was a great catch. Doesn't change the fact that OBJ is one of the most overrated receivers ever. There, I said it.
Risky Business (1983): Tom Cruise's first car crash on film? I did no research to back this up, but if my memory serves, it's a fact. Other than that, no stunts in this one other than having sex with a prostitute.
Top Gun (1986): Now, one could look at this movie as the turning point. You've got Tom flying planes and driving motorcycles, which are two things he clearly loves to do (and still loves doing 40 years later). But I don't think this is the turning point, because look at his next stretch of movies:
The Color of Money (1987): No stunts other than playing pool with Paul Newman.
Rain Man (1988): No stunts other than playing poker with Dustin Hoffman
A Few Good Men (1992): No stunts other than doing BP for his intramural softball league (that's real commitment right there).
Mission: Impossible (1996): Here's where we begin to see a change. Stunts galore, but this is still the most grounded M:I movie, so the turn hasn't happened just yet.
Jerry Maguire (1996): No stunts other than running through the airport to get back to Renee Zellweger's house
Mission: Impossible II (2000): This is where it turns. The seeds were in place, and this is where Tom turned into a stuntaholic. Not 100% just yet, that took a few years (as discussed in last week's blog), but after this movie, he was more focused on finding new ways to put his life in danger than ever before.
You may have noticed that I skipped a number of movies in that stretch from 1983-2000. That's because I haven't seen them all and I can only guess how they led to Tom's evolution to an adrenaline junkie. These are the ones that stick out most to me:
Days of Thunder (1990): He drives race cars in this one. Definitely a step towards the Tom we know today.
Magnolia (1999): Don't know a thing about this movie outside that I've heard Tom's performance is completely unhinged. This ties in nicely with the movie that I actually think had the biggest effect...
Eyes Wide Shut (1999): This movie fucked Tom up in the head and broke him. He got divorced from the AMC Queen, Nicole Kidman, because of it (definitely not because he's a scientologist weirdo or anything), and it took them 3 years to make this thing. So really, we have Stanley Kubrick to thank (or to blame) for Tom becoming the stung guy we know him as today. Thanks Stanley.
So there you have it. Eyes Wide Shut is the reason that Tom Cruise is obsessed with doing stunts in all of his movies. That's a fact, and I'm sticking to it.
Final Ranking of Mission: Impossible Movies:
Mission: Impossible - Fallout (2018)
Mission: Impossible (1996)
Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015)
Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011)
Mission: Impossible - Dead Reckoning (2023)
Mission: Impossible - Final Reckoning (2025)
Mission: Impossible III (2006)
Mission: Impossible II (2000)
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Rogue Nation? You bet your ass they do.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 4%
No, But Really: This and Ghost Protocol are neck and neck as the #3 and #4 films in the franchise for me. You could convince me that one is over the other on any given day. This is also the best Ethan Hunt’s team has been in any of the films. Everyone is at the top of their game, and this movie is that much better for it. It’s also the first McQuarrie-directed movie in the franchise, so it feels much more like the most recent films in the series than the collection of styles from the first 4.
-Jason Bourne next week
--4th of July in a couple weeks!
—Working during the summer should be illegal
-—I’m glad nothing bad is going on in LA for once (sarcasm)
——I hate having a disappointing baseball team again
