Issue #69: The Great Fork Robbery of 2025.
I ate a salad with a spoon last night.
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Issue #69…nice.
Happy 4th of July week/weekend to everyone. For those of you who don’t have this whole week off, I stand with you. For those of you who have this whole week off…we’re all very jealous.
This whole week has felt like the last few days before Christmas Break at school. You’re still working, taking your exams, etc, but there’s an unspoken feeling between students and teachers alike. The unspoken feeling of wanting to get the hell out of there and start enjoying your break. Combine that with a bunch of other companies being off this week, as well as coworkers taking vacations, and it’s a perfect storm of everyone counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until we all get a 4-day weekend. I couldn’t be more excited. Why?
Because I get to go back home.
If anyone wants a refresher on the 4th of July festivities that I’m going home to, you can catch up here:
I’m looking forward to seeing my family, my friends, and eating a hot dog at 9:00 am on Friday. That’s a Holy Trinity if I’ve ever heard one.
But that’s not what we’re here to talk about in this intro. No, today we’re here to talk about my living situation here in LA.
As many of you are aware, I moved out to Los Angeles without knowing anyone out here. So much so that I found the apartment on Facebook Marketplace and started living with 3 randos. Well, flash forward 9 months, and 1 of those randos moved out, 1 of those randos is engaged (long story), and 1 of those randos is exactly the same as he was when I first moved in.
When the first rando moved out, he was replaced by a brand new rando: Ozzie. Ozzie is from Turkey, and I share a bathroom with him. Those two things share no relation, but they are two of the three things that I know about Ozzie. The third thing I know about Ozzie is that he smokes cigarettes. Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t care that Ozzie smokes cigs. I see him smoking them outside our place all the time, and I couldn’t care less.
HOWEVER
Recently, my bathroom, which, may I remind you, I share with Ozzie, has started to reek of cigarettes. You don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to figure out who caused the smell, but my question is, how? Is he smoking them in the shower? We do have a window right there. Is he bringing the smell in with him from when he smokes outside? Potentially, but nowhere else in the house smells like cigs. Is an elf coming into our house every night, but instead of fixing our shoes, he’s chain-smoking in our bathroom? These are all questions that I’ve wrestled with for the last couple of months.
Other than that, Ozzie is a great bathroom sharer. Well, other than that and the other issue he has:
Alright, enough about the bathroom. Let’s move on to the title of this blog.
I ate a salad with a spoon tonight.
*Editor’s Note: The author ate a salad with a spoon on the night he wrote this blog. You are reading it a day later, which is why it doesn’t say “last night”. Also, frankly, it’s 4 in the morning, I have to be up in 3 hours, and I don’t want to go through and change everything.*
“Why did I eat a salad with a spoon tonight?” you may be asking yourself.
I had to use a spoon because my apartment is officially out of forks. We have plenty of spoons and plenty of knives, but forks? Zero. I don’t know how this happened, but let me tell you, it’s kind of annoying. Don’t get me wrong, I think spoons are the best utensil, but here and there, it’s nice to use a fork once in a while.
I need to be clear that this was the first time I used a spoon in place of a fork while living in this apartment. We’ve had forks since I moved in, a very low bar to clear, I know, but they’ve slowly been dwindling in number for the last 6 months. Where are they going? I have no idea, but this last month I think we’ve had 2-3 forks to share amongst the 4 of us. Then, this past week, I could only find one. Before you ask, they’re not in the dishwasher. You know how I know that?
Because we have a dishwasher that has never been used in my time living in this apartment. “Why not, Will?” Well, dear reader, it’s because one of my rando roommates (the one who is exactly the same as when I moved in) is a neat freak with a capital F. He makes us handwash all of the dishes we use immediately after using them, and I mean immediately. So no, the forks aren’t hiding in the dishwasher like socks hide in the dryer.
Oh, there’s something I forgot to mention.
My roommates think I stole all of the forks.
Let me repeat that just in case you missed it.
My roommates think that I have slowly been stealing our forks and amassing a massive fork collection in my room.
Let me be clear, I am doing no such thing. If anything, and I’ve made this clear to my roommates, I am net-positive when it comes to the number of utensils in our place. In my time in LA, I’ve “accidentally” ended up with multiple utensils that made it back to my place after eating meals at friends’ houses. I bring over Tupperware, use one of their utensils, close the Tupperware with the utensil inside, and bring it home by mistake. On my dead dog Wednesday’s life, I’m not doing this on purpose, but I tell you this to show you that I am, in fact, bringing in utensils rather than taking them away. In other words, I’m the only one carrying my weight around this place.
You want to know how I know my roommates think I’m the one taking all of the forks?
Because they’ve accused me of it numerous times. Well, really it’s just one roommate in particular (I’ll let you guys guess which one), and every time he does I do nothing but tell him the truth: that he’s a complete idiot/moron and that I am not stealing all of our forks.
So yeah, I ate a salad with a spoon tonight, and honestly, it went pretty well. Probably not the ideal utensil to use when eating a spinach salad, but for a kale salad? There are definitely worse options (a knife, for starters). And you know what? I bet you that when I get back from Maryland on Monday, there will still be no forks. And I’ll bet you again that there will be no forks in our place the week after that. And I’ll bet you yet again that there will be no forks in our place until one of us caves and walks the 100 yards to the Target right across the street and buys some. The question is:
Who will be the one to cave?
These are the questions you must ask yourself when you live with 3 other late-20-year-olds. I thought I might learn something from living with people older than me. All I’m learning is that being older does not guarantee more smarts (not even a little bit).
And that’s the reason why I ate a salad with a spoon tonight.
At least I ate a salad. I’m not a complete degenerate.
Alright, on to the blog (it’s 3:47 am).
Flag Rankings
If you need to remind yourself of the rankings so far, check them out here:
100% Accurate Official Flag Rankings
Today we have: Blue backgrounds, blue backgrounds, and more blue backgrounds.
#37. South Dakota
Boring, boring, and more boring. The only interesting thing about this flag is the lighter shade of blue. South Dakotans, come close so no one else can hear this part…YOU GUYS HAVE MOUNT RUSHMORE RIGHT THERE. Slap that on a flag and you automatically jump at least 20 spots in the rankings.
#36. Kansas
I don’t have a ton to say about this one. Kansas deserves a win here for being one of the most disrespected states in the country for so long. A “win” in this case is a ranking as high as #36. I don’t know, I guess I like the sunflower.
#35. North Dakota
I like what they’re going for here, and I don’t know what else North Dakota could put on their flag other than the national symbol of the US, but there’s something about it that feels like a cop out to me. At least the states with seals on their flags are kind of personalized to the state.
Check out The Vault if you’re struggling to pick a movie for your next movie night. It’s got everything I’ve watched since 2018 on it. You can sort by genre, sub-genre, release year, rewatchable status, etc. Give it a try (and let me know how I can improve it).
Check it out here!
Alright, on to the blog.
Movies count for the year: 94
Doc count for the year: 9 (slacking)
Total movie count on the blog: 309
Keeping Movie Theaters Alive
Go see these (if they’re still out). If I get one person to go to the theaters, I can die happy.
From the World of John Wick: Ballerina (2025)
AKA: John Wick Lite.
If you've read the blog before, then you know how I feel about the John Wick franchise. It's pound-for-pound one of the best action franchises of all time, and there's not a bad movie in the 4-movie series with Keanu in the lead role. Which is why, when they announced they'd be expanding the franchise with spin-offs, sequels, prequels, etc. I was excited but trepidatious ($5 word right there). John Wick movies are a perfect blend of Keanu, gun-fu (an actual term and not something I made up), and director Chad Stahelski. Without one or more of those things, you have no idea how a John Wick universe movie will go. Well, now we have our answer...kind of.
Right away, this movie is very ok. It has some great highs, but also a lot of lulls and lows that take away from it overall. It's very similar to another movie I saw in theaters this year: Captain America: Brave New World. First, the similarities:
Both of these movies were Frankensteined together. Different writers, different plots, reshoots, etc. It's impressive enough that these movies were able to be made at all based given their production woes.
Now the differences:
Ballerina is actually ok, while Captain America: Brave New World is horrible.
Ballerina originally had no Keanu in it at all. It was to be a stand-alone story about Ana de Armas' titular Ballerina in the world of John Wick. That was all the way back in 2022, when this film started production. 3 years ago! What followed were rewrites, reshoots, and fan-favorite characters being brought in for cameos. Sometimes this works, but most of the time, studios do this because they know they have a stinker on their hands and they need something they can put in the marketing to make sure people show out to see the movie.
In this case, this strategy starts with the title. Ballerina isn't even the name of this movie. The full title is: From the World of John Wick: Ballerina. This movie never stood a chance! It never had an opportunity to be its own thing because it was saddled with the expectations of John Wick from the jump. And I will say, the John Wick scenes in this movie are some of the best parts, so I guess they made a good decision there, but overall, I would have rather had a stand-alone John Wick-esque Ana de Armas movie.
I’ll stop there before I get too excited. Sorry, I got in the weeds a bit there. I let my film critic brain get the best of me.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: I don’t think they do, and I was very disappointed.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 0%
No, But Really: This was kind of disappointing, but I wasn’t surprised I felt that way. Unlike the previous John Wick movies, Ballerina was Frankensteined together with different writers and directors. The fact that it’s as pretty good as it is is impressive in its own right. I thought Ana de Armas was solid as a female-John-Wick-type, but this movie suffers most from being in the John Wick universe. Forcing past characters and lore into the story takes away from it, and while the final third of the movie is great, the rest of the movie plods along until the final showdown. Bottom of the pack when it comes to John Wick content.
The Life of Chuck (2025)
AKA: Live life to the fullest.
I never would have gone out of my way to see this movie if it hadn't been for TIFF last year (that's Toronto International Film Festival for all of you who were wondering). This movie, The Life of Chuck, won the Audience Award at TIFF in 2024. This was big for one particular reason: since 2010, 13/15 of the Audience Award winners at TIFF were nominated for Best Picture at the Oscars. Of those 13, four won (King's Speech, 12 Years A Slave, Green Book, Nomadland). The only 2 movies that weren't nominated for Best Picture after winning the Audience Award at TIFF? 2011's Where Do We Go Now? (A Lebanese film I've never heard of) and The Life of Chuck.
"Wait, if The Life of Chuck came out in 2025, how did it win the Audience Award in 2024?" you may be asking yourself. Well, dear reader, that's because no one picked it up last year to distribute it in time. I could get into the nitty gritty of film distribution here, but I'll spare you and just explain it like this: independent movies (non-major studio films) are made all of the time, but without a distribution company that works with theater chains to bring the movie to theaters, it doesn't really have a place to go.
On a different note, Mia Sara is in this movie.
Sloane Peterson, one-third of the trio featured in one of my favorite movies of all time, is back on the big screen. I'm gonna be honest, after looking at Mia's IMDb, I've only seen her in one movie (Ferris Bueller's Day Off). Other than that, she really hasn't been in anything of note since 1986. Despite this, she is so good in FBDO that it simply doesn't matter. Maybe that’s because I had a major, huge, unbelievable crush on Sloane in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. 6th grade me was 100% head over heels. I would've pretended to be her dad, told Principal Ed Rooney that her Grandmother had died so she could leave school early, and then taken her into Chicago for the best day ever whenever she wanted.
On a different note, this is an adaptation of a Stephen King short story. King is the adaptation...king (I’m so sorry). Starting with 1976's Carrie, there have been at least 55 film adaptations of Stephen King's works. That's outrageous. That doesn't even include the TV adaptations and TV-Movie adaptations. Dude is prolific. And the strangest part of this movie is that it's not scary at all. Similar to The Shawshank Redemption (another King adaptation), there's no outright horror, and it won't scare you out of your mind.
What else do I have to say? Well, a lot, but I'll finish The Life of Chuck with this: Life is short. Do all of the things, say yes, appreciate your loved ones, and make that call or send that text. Check up on your people, they'll really appreciate it.
Top 5 Girlfriends from ‘80s movies:
I had to narrow this down somehow (it also gives me the opportunity to do this ranking with other decades later). All 5 of these ladies also happen to be in 5 of my all-time favorite movies. Coincidence?
Marion (Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark)
The best Indy girl in the franchise by a country mile. But she’s more than that. She’s cool, she can drink anyone under the table, and she owns a bar in Nepal (very cool).
Sloane Peterson (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off)
Anyone who is able to put up with Ferris’ antics has to be a good girlfriend. She also has the best style of anyone on this list.
Ophelia (Trading Places)
No, she’s not on this list because of what she does in the next 10 seconds of the scene this picture is from (perverts). Ophelia is down for whatever, will nurse you back to health if you’re sick, and is trustworthy as hell. Feeling good, Louis indeed.
Buttercup (Princess Bride)
You want to talk about loyal? I’ll just show you a picture of Buttercup. My girl mourned the loss of her Wesley and never loved another until he came back into her life. That’s commitment right there. Fuck Prince Humperdink.
Sally (When Harry Met Sally)
Neurotic and picky as hell, but there’s just something about her that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with her as soon as possible. I’d have to get used to her ordering style at restaurants, though.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: They do say all the words, just not in the right order.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 99%
No, But Really: I left this movie feeling fantastic. Not because this movie is all sunshine and roses, it’s actually quite heavy, but it made me appreciate my life and appreciate living life to the fullest. This movie is also weird, and it’s not perfect, but it treats the audience like they’re actually smart and doesn’t over-explain everything, which I really appreciated. It was not what I was expecting at all, but not in a bad way, and while it may not have been the absolute best movie I’ve ever seen, and dragged at points, I really enjoyed it, and it left me in a really good mood. It’s not for everyone, though, so be warned.
How to Train Your Dragon (2025)
AKA: No way these dragons are gonna to make me cry, right? Right?
Of the 24(!) live-action remakes of Disney animated movies, I've seen a whopping 0. That's right, since the first one in 1994 (Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book), all the way through the most recent Lilo and Stitch, I've avoided them like the plague. Well, I guess I'm not as steadfast as I claim to be, because of the 1 DreamWorks live-action remakes they've made, I've seen…1. The dragons, man, they made me fold. Part of me is mad at myself. I hate when Disney does this, and I wish they'd leave stuff they've already made alone, but when you bring pet dragons into the mix, you leave me no choice.
A couple things will always come to mind when I think of HTTYD.
1. The Happy Meal toys from the movie. (I had this one, the lamest of the bunch):
2. Steven Spielberg. Back in 3rd grade, we did a biography project for someone of our choice. I, naturally, picked Steven Spielberg. For the final presentation, I dressed up as Steve and went through my (his) entire life. A part of that life was when he founded DreamWorks Studios. I used that section to go over the new movies that were coming out for the studio at the time.
One of those movies was the original How to Train Your Dragon. I had no idea what that was at the time (I was 9), but it's insane to see where that franchise has come 15 years later. 3 beloved animated movies, 1 live-action remake that is legitimately good, and a live-action sequel already in the works; that's the franchise dream in the year 2025. The coolest thing, though? Dean DeBlois has been the writer/director of every single one of them. This franchise is his baby, and the live-action-ification of it seems a bit more sincere compared to the Disney ones because he's the one bringing them to life.
This movie will bring out your inner child (or at least it did with me, because the original came out when I was a kid). The score is thrilling, and I'm not ashamed to admit that I teared up during the final act. It was a manly cry, though. Just silently letting tears slowly fall down my face. Not embarrassing at all. Oh, and Toothless is one of the cutest dogs/dragons in pop culture.
Mount Rushmore of Pop Culture Dragons:
Toothless (HTTYD)
The cuteness/cool combo is what gives Toothless the #1 ranking here.
Dragon (Shrek)
With all due respect to Maleficent (who is a human animated woman), is Dragon, dare I say it, the most attractive dragon on this list? I’ll let you decide (I’ll remind you that she did bag Donkey without saying a word).
Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)
The only human/dragon combo on this list. She’s one of the first, if not the first, dragons I remember seeing in a movie. Absolutely iconic. Also, this animation is gorgeous.
Smaug (The Hobbit)
Surprisingly, the only talking dragon on Mount Rushmore and without a doubt the richest. The Benedict Cumberbatch version is hit or miss, but the OG version from The Hobbit book is one of the best villains ever.
First One Left Off: The one from Transformers (Transformers)
I haven’t seen a single one of these movies, but come on now. Don’t lie to yourself. This is sick.
Honorable Mentions: The ones from Dragon Tales, any of the ones from Game of Thrones, King Ghidorah from Godzilla.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: This would have been nearly impossible to slip in.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 99%
No, But Really: For better or worse, this is essentially a remake of the animated HTTYD (2011). I will say, bringing back the original writer/director as well as some of the voice actors does make this feel more sincere, though. I mean, what can I say? This original HTTYD is pretty great, and this is pretty great as well. The OG is better in my opinion, but for what this is, it nails it. The thing I was most surprised about was how good it looked, because nailing the dragons and humans flying on dragons is really hard to do. This movie will make you happy and leave you with a warm feeling inside. Fun for the whole family.
Movies at Home
Inching ever closer to having no life.
28 Weeks Later (2007)
AKA: Humans: not very good at dealing with pandemics.
Last blog, I wrote about how I was preparing for 28 Years Later by watching the other films in the "28" franchise. Now it's time to talk about the 2nd in the franchise, complete with the natural evolution in time frame. Days-->Weeks-->Years. Not really sure where else you can go from there.
You know what else this movie has? Our friend, Jeremy Renner. After discussing his attempts at taking over franchises (we'll be discussing his Bourne movie next week), he's in yet another franchise with 28 Weeks Later. Of his filmography, this is the earliest thing I've seen of his, and let me tell you, he's just as Jeremy Renner-y as ever in this role. Oh, also, I might as well tell you now, if you're planning on watching the other "28" movies before seeing 28 Years Later like I did: you can skip this one. Not because it's bad, it's pretty solid actually, but because it's not acknowledged in the slightest in the new movie. Obviously, it's good to be a completist, but if you're short on time, all you need as a syllabus is 28 Days Later (it's a better movie than 28 Weeks as well).
I don't think I wrote about this when I wrote about 28 Days Later, but the concept behind these movies is so damn cool. "The United Kingdom is an isolated island that gets quarantined from the rest of the world because of a zombie outbreak" is the logline of a movie I will see 10 times out of 10. Alex Garland has some gnarly thoughts in his head when he's writing these movies, but he sure makes it work. I should note that he didn't write 28 Weeks, and Danny Boyle didn't direct it either. It certainly shows, but as I said before, it's not all bad, it just feels like a Danny Boyle cosplay at times.
A final tally of the franchises Jeremy Renner has been a part of (for those of you keeping track at home)
Avengers
Jason Bourne
Mission: Impossible
28
The Taylor Sheridan Neo-Western Universe
Wind River, Hell or High Water, Sicario
The Kathryn Bigelow War/Anti-War Universe
The Hurt Locker, Zero Dark Thirty
The Ben Affleck-Directed Awesome Movie Universe
The Town, Argo
The Denis Villeneuve Hard-Sci-Fi Universe
Arrival, Dune, Dune II, Blade Runner 2049
Pretty impressive stuff if you ask me.
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Unfortunately, no.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 0%
No, But Really: This movie is definitely a step down from 28 Days Later, but it’s still a pretty solid action/thriller flick. It certainly is more conventional than the original when it comes to the filmmaking, and that’s because Danny Boyle didn’t come back for this one. At the end of the day, while I’d rewatch 28 Days before I rewatch 28 Weeks, this is a perfectly good movie to throw on if you like zombie movies. As with the first, the concept of the UK being a zombie nation while the rest of the world is fine is such a cool idea.
Franchise Mode
Matt Damon (and sometimes Jeremy Renner) Has A Bad Memory 3.0
Last week, we talked about:
This week, we talk about the 2nd best movie in the franchise (The Bourne Identity is the best one). The one where Matt Damon tries to get his memory back (a mission 6 years in the making).
Bourne Ultimatum (2007)
AKA: Matt Damon still has some serious memory issues.
Matt Damon is the man.
Sure, he's one of the best male leads we have working today. I'm not sure if you've seen the work he's been putting in for The Odyssey, but it's truly inspiring stuff. He's obviously the lead of this movie as well, but you know what Matt Damon is really good at? (and what I think he really lives for?)
The cameo.
The guy loves to make cameos in stuff, and it almost always makes the movie better. Now, I won't be going into most of these cameos here, I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but one cameo I will bring up is probably his funniest. I've never seen the movie, and this is the Matt Damon cameo that is brought up the most of any, so if you've seen it before I apologize, but goddamn is this scene from Euro Trip awesome. Fun fact: not Matt Damon singing, but that's his buzzcut and pierced chin/ears. Song is also a banger.
Being able to cameo in real life would be pretty awesome. We've all had plans that start off sounding like a great time, but quickly devolve into dread and agony. A party that had the potential to be great but ended up being lame, a golf round that started with a couple pars but abruptly morphed into the round from hell, a group dinner that started off cheerful before transitioning into a heated political civil war, etc. Definitely not speaking from experience for any (or all) of those, by the way.
What if you could just have a cameo for these events? The party is dragging? You come in for 15 minutes with reinforcements, good music, a few new drinks, some snacks, and positive vibes galore. Congrats, you just saved the party and will be remembered as a mysterious hero whose sole purpose is to save flailing parties. Golf round going poorly? Why not skip the full round and just come in for a few holes in the middle? Hit some drives here and there, maybe make some putts, and play until the beginner's luck wears off. Once the good vibes of your arrival start to turn, your cameo is over. That friendly dinner isn't very friendly? Come in via cameo, slap everyone at the table in the face to get them to stop being ridiculous, and leave, your work complete.
The cameo in real life. Could be the move.
Ranking Matt Damon’s characters slimiest to least slimy:
Colin Sullivan (The Departed)
Tom Ripley (Talented Mr. Ripley)
The widest gap imaginable. Like, wider than the Grand Canyon, plus another Grand Canyon put together.
Linus (Ocean’s Series)
Will Hunting (Good Will Hunting)
Mark Watney (The Martian)
Jason Bourne (Bourne Series)
Do They Say the Title of the Movie In the Movie: Why are you asking me? I don’t remember.
Chance My Dad Cries While Watching This: 10%
No, But Really: Outside of The Bourne Identity, Ultimatum is the best Bourne movie of the franchise. The action in this one is thrilling, and as with every Paul Greengrass movie, you'd better get used to the cutting style, because it’s this entire movie. I wish they’d ended the series with this movie, but alas, they didn’t. Despite that, if I ever did a rewatch, I’d probably just do the trilogy and end it there. This movie did such a great job of wrapping up the first three movies that part of me is mad they kept it going. This is a great action flick that is underappreciated at this point.
-I’m going home today!
—4th of July weekend.
—-Movies are so back.
——Dinosaurs!
——Hug your bros.
See you at the movies.
Just a quick breakdown of the blog for any new readers:
I ramble for a bit and give an update on my life and what I’m thinking about this week
I talk about the movies I watched recently (usually in the last week, but I’m still catching up)
I do some rankings, ask some hypothetical questions (ex: what are the chances my dad cries while watching this movie?), and then I give my no-frills, no-jokes review
We ignore grammar errors here at the blog. Give me a break.
It has to be said that while maybe you didn't steal forks from your roommates, you are in fact a fork thief.